'Dunraving'
   1 Paranoid Avenue
    Pitlochry
     Remoteshire
      U.K.  (Oldgit@Richteabiscuit.letskeepthishort.Demon.co.uk)

  Sir,

I am writing in no uncertain terms about your assertion that  'the 
Edge Magazine are sucking the balls of 3DO and hate Atari' because 
of certain factual irregularities I feel that should be brought to 
your attention.

Whilst  agreeing with the overall assertion of the  message,  that 
Future  Publishing  are  a  bunch of sad  tossers  who  would  not 
recognise quality if it played a bagpipe chorus of the Thunderbirds  
theme  tune,  I  would like to take issue with the point that  the 
'Edge Magazine are sucking the balls of 3DO.' Why??

I find it hard to see how a large corporate entity such as 3DO can 
actually  be in possession of a pair of testicles to suck  in  the 
first  place?  A  collection of anonymous offices  and  associated 
manufacturing plant will not have a pair of dangly bits, or indeed 
a groin to display them on, in the first instance..

You  may  be referring to a recently severed  pair  of  testicles, 
possibly surgically removed from the CEO of 3DO, Trip Hawkins, and 
kept  refridgerated for later use in staff black magic  ceremonies 
of  an  arcane and disgusting nature..  If the Edge were  to  suck 
these,  do you think they would make the trip over to 3DO GHQ,  or 
else have said testicles brought to them in a jewelled case?

If this is so, make that fact clear in the first place!

It  may be possible for 3DO to manufacture an artificial  pair  of 
testicles  for this purpose,  maybe a pair of giant sized knackers 
made  out  of  brick and twenty feet high..  This would  have  the 
effect  of  giving 3DO a 'very well endowed  package'  and  really 
throw  a  decent scare into the  competition..  Alternatively,  if 
times are harder,  they may be able to knock up a pair out of wood 
and that artificial turf stuff they use for making fake  Christmas 
trees?
 
Leaving  the  testicle/corporation question to one side  now,  the 
action of sucking a pair of testicles can be considered unwise and 
questionable for a number of medical and social reasons..

Hairy  balls,  if  the Edge spend any time sucking these,  all you 
will  get  with  the next batch of 3DO reviews  is  the  sound  of 
coughing  as  the  tiny curly hairs found  on  most  post-pubertal 
testicles  will inevitably stick in the throat..  Hardly the clear 
and  favourable message that 3DO wish the Edge to get  across,  is 
it? 

Cheap laughs,  something we suspected all along is proven horribly 
true,  and  the Edge are forced to close next day out of shame and 
guilt..

What  kind of sauce or dressing to use,  as sucking an  unadorned, 
and  presumably  shaven pair of testicles can get tedious  in  the 
extreme,  many practictioners of this fine art choose some kind of 
dressing  or  externally  applied flavouring  to  make  the  going 
easier..  Great  care must be taken here,  as something like curry 
powder  or  chilli sauce may cause great pain and  trauma  to  the 
wearer,  and  you are left with the glorious vision of an agonised 
Trip  Hawkins clutching his groin and begging you to end his  life 
quickly.. A 'hot' substance such as chilli has a corrosive burning 
action on those sensitive bits of the body you choose to apply  it 
to (allegedly! - what do you think I am!!)  

On  this subject,  if any corporate testicle-sucking is being done 
by the Edge, it is on behalf of Sony, not 3DO, and I like to think 
that  a  suitably far eastern sweet and sour  sauce  is  liberally 
applied beforehand..

I  therefore suggest that you study the implications of  what  you 
are  saying in future,  and comments such as 'Rogering Atari  from 
behind  with  a  huge marrow,  spank me,  spank me!' need  further 
clarification before they are tossed around in a seemingly leather 
clad  and thoughtless fashion by authors such as yourself  on  the 
Internet.. 

I remain... Yours!!

    Colonel Frank Gussetspawn V.C.