
        Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
[]
        I.R.S.: We've got what it takes, to take what you've got!
[]
        "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
[]
        The gene pool, could use a little chlorine.
[]
        We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
[]
        Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
[]
        I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
[]
        He who laughs last, thinks slowest!
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        Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
[]
        Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
[]
        A flashlight, is a case for holding dead batteries.
[]
        Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
[]
        Artificial Intelligence, usually beats real stupidity.
[]
        Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!
[]
        Double your drive space, delete Windows!
[]
        Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.
[]
        Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
[]
        I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
[]
        Better to understand a little, than to misunderstand a lot.
[]
        When there's a will, I want to be in it.
[]
        We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart!
[]
        All generalizations are false, including this one.
[]
        Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
[]
Why isn't phonetic, spelled the way it sounds?
[]
Why are there inter state highways, in Hawaii?
[]
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
[]
Have you ever imagined a world, with no hypothetical situations?
[]
How does the guy who drives the snowplow, get to work in the mornings?
[]
If 7 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
[]
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
[]
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
[]
You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
[]
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
[]
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
[]
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
[]
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
[]
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but
together can decide that nothing can be done. 
[]
They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a
stop to siphoning.
[]
I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people.
[]
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?  But
when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
[]
Everything is drive-through.  In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box.
[]
Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a moron.
[]
You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother does, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
[]
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back
for seventy-five cents.
[]
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The girl
at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
[]
Anytime that four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
[]
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie", until you can find a rock.
[]
If it weren't for electricity, we would all be watching television by candlelight.
[]
A Freudian slip, is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
[]
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved
in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus
controls the "Four F's":  1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3. feeding; and  4.
mating.
[]
What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary.
[]
Applying computer technology, is simply finding the right wrench to pound in
the correct screw.
[]
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?", The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?", The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?", The graduate with a
Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
[]
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.
[]
A great many people think they are thinking, when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
[]
There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the
streets!
[]
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base.
[]
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake,
when you make it again.
[]
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that
you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
[]
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
[]
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone
calls taper off.
[]
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me.
[] 
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
[]
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
[]
Don't use a big word, where a diminutive one will suffice.
[]
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
[]
The beatings will continue, until morale improves.
[]
I used up all my sick days, so I'm now calling in dead.
[]
Have you ever stopped to think, and forget to start again!
[]
A conclusion, is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
[]
Don't be so open-minded, your brains fall out.
[]
 If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!
[]
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a  rock.
[]
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
[]
 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too!
[]
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
[]
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
[]
 What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
[]
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
[]
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
[]
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, and put new ones in.
[]
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
[]
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
[]
 Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
[]
 All computers wait, at the same speed.
[]
 Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit...

