              Canonical Collection of  LONG BLONDE  Jokes
          ====================================================
            Last Updated: 7/5/95  by  robnykvist@delphi.com

326. A blonde goes to a cold-drink vending machine and sees the
     "insert 1 dollar" sign.  So she puts in the buck, and presses the
     button.  Out comes a coke!  Then she hears the trickle of coins
     being returned in the coin slot.  Wow!  So she tries again, and
     out comes another coke and more change.  She scratches around her
     purse for more money and keep on feeding the machine.   Out come
     cokes, pepsi's, etc and more coins.  30 minutes later, and 75
     cokes at hand, she discovers a long line behind her and some man
     taps her on the shoulder and says, "hey woman, hurry up.  We're
     thirsty too!"  The blonde replies, "Don't disturb me now, I'm
     on a winning streak like I've never seen before!

325. One morning a farmer and his youngest daughter, a blonde, went to
     town on their horse and cart to do some shopping and sell two piglets.
     They sold the pigs, bought a sack of flour, and were heading home.
     Suddenly the farmer and his daughter were set on by robbers.
     The robbers took everything, including the farmer's watch.
     "We're ruined, we're ruined!" mourned the old farmer.
     "No, father, we are not ruined," said the young blonde daughter,
     "We still have the pig money, I hid it and they never found it."
     "You hid the pig money?  But they stripped you!" said the farmer.
     "I know, but I stuffed all the pig money up my you-know-what," said
     his blonde daughter.  "OHhhh," concluded the farmer, adding, "then it
     is too bad your mother wasn't here with us, we could have saved the
     sack of flour too..."

324. Guy and a blonde are driving down the road.  Blonde leans over
     to him an say in his ear:  "I want you.  Right now!"
     He thinks about it for a very short second, and says, "Okay."
     They pull over and she says to him, "This is gonna sound kinda 
     kinky, but I want to do it on the hood."
     He thinks about it for a second, and says, "Okay."
     So they get out, but there's a problem.  They are driving a van.
     So they climb up on the roof, and start going at it.
     Blonde is enjoying it so much, she grabs the aerial and starts
     Whapping him on the back with it!  Whap!  Whap!  Whap!
     So they get back in the van and they're driving some more.
     She leans over and looks at his back.  It's flayed:  the skin is
     ripped and there's blood everywhere.
     They go do a doctor.  The doctor checks the guy out.
     Guy says, "So, Doc, whaddya think?"
     Doctor says, "Worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen."

323. Soon after the newlyweds came back from their honeymoon, the blonde
     bride cooked her first chicken.  When the husband began to carve it
     he asked, "What the hell did you stuff it with, dear?"
     "I didn't have to stuff it," replied the blonde, "it wasn't hollow."

322. A five year old blonde girl is running in a park when suddenly an
     exhibitionist appears.  He opens his raincoat and asks the blonde,
     "Will you kiss my dick for a piece of candy?"  The little blonde
     thinks for a minute, and answers, "If you give a whole box of candy
     I'll give you a good blow job!"
 
321. The dumb blonde was invited on an outting so she decided to shop
     for some luggage.  She asked the clerk, "Do you have any overnight
     cases?"   "Yes'm," he said.  "You'd better give me seven of them,
     I'll be gone a week."

320. This blonde woman goes to town to get her automobile worked on.
     The guy at the shop says it'll take awhile, so the blonde goes
     looking for something to eat.  Right across the street from the
     automotive shop is a restaurant with a sign that says, "All You
     Can Eat Fish Fry," so she goes and eats a *lot* of fried fish
     with all the trimmings.  When the blonde goes back to the shop,
     the guy has her car engine all taken apart.  He looks up as
     she enters.   He says, "Looks like you blew a seal."  "Naw,"
     says the blonde, wiping her mouth, "That's just tartar sauce."

319.  Last night, my blonde mom walked into my bedroom.  Much to her
      dismay, I was jerking off.  She screamed, "What the hell are
      you doing?"  "Just thinking of you mom!"

318.  "How come the blonde got expelled from school?"
      "She was caught cheating."
      "How?"
      "She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"

317.  A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the
      doctor.  She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to
      sit down.  He gets out his tool and says "Open wide."  "I can't,"
      replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

316.  A postman is walking his rounds for the very last time before
      he retires.  As he stops at one house, there is an envelope on
      the door marked 'postman.'  He opens it and finds a dollar along
      with a message that says, "please knock."   He does and the door
      is answered by a blonde babe in a skimpy nightgown.  She takes
      him into the bedroom and fucks his brains out.  Afterwards, she
      feeds him lunch.   He says, "I don't get it.  20 years I've
      delivered your mail and neither you or your husband has said
      so much as hello.  What is going on?"  The blonde says, "I told
      my husband yesterday that you were retiring.  He said, 'Fuck him.'
      'Give him a dollar.'   The lunch was my idea."

315.  A young blonde walks into a doctor's office.  "Doctor I'm
      suffering from a terrible discharge."  Doc lays her down lifts
      up her dress and has a good probe around her pussy and says,
      "how does that feel?"  Young blonde says, "Oooh Doctor!  That
      feels lovely and we can get back to that in a minute.  First,
      will you look at my terrible discharge coming from my ear?"

314.  The hillbilly, with a dizzy blonde hanging on his arm, took the pen
      handed him by the hotel clerk and signed the register with an X.
      With a thoughtful look on his face, he hesitated, then circled
      the X.  "A lot of people sign with an X," said the clerk, "but
      that's the first time I've ever seen it circled."  "Taint nothin,"
      so dadburn odd about hit," retorted the hillbilly.  "When I'm a
      runnin around with wild blonde women I don't use my real name."

313.  First blonde: "What shall we eat tonight, Italian, French or Chinese?"
      Second blonde: "How about Seafood for a change?"
      First blonde:  "I didn't know you knew any Sailors!"

312.  A blonde driver was breaking just about every rule of the road, and
      made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street.  A policeman
      whistled at her.  She refused to stop.  The policeman finally caught
      up with the blonde and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?"
      The blonde lady said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!"

311.  There was this young couple, both virgins, that got married.  He was
      an epileptic, but had never told her for fear that she might not
      want to marry him.  So on their wedding night they were making love
      when he began having a seizure.  Now the blonde wife not knowing what
      is going on gets scared and calls 911,
      Blonde:  "My husband needs an ambulance quick!"
      911 operator:  "What's the matter with him?"
      Blonde:  "His cummer is stuck!"

310.  A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
      asked to see the "upturn."
      "I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
      "Yes," said the blonde. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
      "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
      "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
      "I'm sure you mean the maturnity ward."
      To which the blonde girl replied:
      "Upturn, intern;  contamination, examination;  fraternity, maturnity;
      what's the difference?   All I know is I haven't demonstrated
      in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

309.  A blonde came home from work early one day, and found her husband
      naked and panting on the bed.  "Honey," he said, thinking quickly,
      "I think I'm having a heart attack!"  While rushing to call the
      doctor, the blonde wife nearly stumbled over her crying four year
      old, who told her there was a naked woman in the closet.  She ran
      to the closet, opened the door, and there was her best friend.
      "Damn it, Bridget" she shouted, "Dave's having a heart attack and
      here you are trying to scare the hell out of my kids!"

308.  Blonde:  "What does your Daddy do?"
         Boy:  "He is a pastor."
      Blonde:  "A pasture?"
         Boy:  "Yes, my daddy is a pastor."
      Blonde:  "Your Daddy is a PASTURE?"
         Boy:  "That's right - a pastor."
      Blonde:  "I don't understand.  Your Daddy is a place where cows shit?"

307.  One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the north
      forty (the mudpit behind the barn).  It sounded like she was in hard
      labor.  He went out, and, sure enough, it was a breech.  He tried to
      turn the calf around, but it was too late--the legs were already coming
      out.  All he could do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth.
      This field was right next to the interstate, and a red MG stopped, and
      this blonde jumped out and said, "Is there anything I can do to assist?"

      The farmer said, "Yes, there sure is!  Grab a leg and pull!"

      So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out.  The
      farmer, very grateful, said, "Wait a minute while I run back and get
      my wallet--I owe you for this."

      "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any compensation for this
      service," said the blonde.  However, there is one question you
      can answer for me."

      "Anything!"

      "How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?"

306.  A naked blonde lady standing on the street in the combat zone flags
      down a cab, hops in and says, "Quick!  Take me to Georgetown."
      The cabby replies, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with?
      You don't even have a handbag."  The blonde smiles, opens her legs
      and points saying, "With this of course."  After thinking for a moment,
      the cabby replies, "Have you got anything smaller?"

305.  A blonde woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun.
      Five months after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out to her
      car in a dark parking lot and found it occupied by four men.  The
      blonde ordered them out.  They refused to move; she pulled her gun.
      Instantly four doors popped open and her car's occupants fled into
      the night.  Then, as the blonde started to load her groceries into
      the car, she noticed her car (same make and model) parked three spots
      away.

304.  A blonde being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
      Finally, the thugs subdued her and took her purse.  Upon finding
      only two dollars in her wallet, the surprised thug said, "Why did
      you put up such a fight?"  To which the blonde promptly replied,
      "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

303.  There was this farmer who had a pond in back of his house but no ducks
      in the pond.  He had always wanted ducks in the pond so one day he goes
      and buys a pair of tame ducks.  The ducks prospered (i.e.  reproduced)
      and, in fact, their number doubled evey year.  Since the ducks were the
      non-migrating variety after about 9 years the farm was overun with
      ducks.  The farmer still liked the ducks and didn't have the heart to
      shoot them but the density of ducks was overwhemling.  After thinking it
      over he decided he would give them to the city zoo.  So he calls his
      blond neighbor down the road, who has a truck, and says to him,
      "Here's two dollars, if'n you'll would take these here ducks to the
      zoo for me."  His blond neighbor, who was kinda dense by the way,
      scratched his head and then, after a bit of thought, agreed.  So off
      he drove with the ducks.  After a few hours, the blond has not returned
      from the city and the farmer is getting worried that something went
      wrong.  So he gets in his car and drives into the city only to see the
      neighbor's truck parked outside of the local movie theater with the
      neighbor sitting in the cab.  So of course he asks his neighbor what
      is going on and the blond neighbor says says, "Well I still had a
      dollar left after taking them to the zoo, so I though I would take
      them to the movies with the remainder."

302.  Blonde-Sitter:  "While you were gone, Ma'am, the baby swallowed a bug."
      Mom:  "Great heavens! What did you do?"
      Blonde-Sitter (proudly):  "Oh, I took care of your baby.  I made him
      swallow some insecticide powder to kill the bug."

301.  A businessman on a trip to New York gets lonely and decies to
      hit the bar.  He spots a blonde (hooker):

      Man:     "How much ?"
      Blonde:  "$250. for a hand job."
      Man:     "You've got to be kidding!"
      Blonde:  "Come over to the window, I want to show you something.
                See that limo down there?  I have four more.  All paid
                for from hand jobs.
      Man:     "O.K. lets go."

      As promised the hand job is the best he ever had.  On his next trip
      he visits the same bar, and there's the blonde in the same seat.

      Man:     "That hand job was sooo good how much for a blow job?"
      Blonde:  "$750"
      Man:     "Thats outrageous!"
      Blonde:  "Come over to the window, I want to show you something.
                See that McDonalds on the corner.  I own 5 of them, all
                paid for by blow jobs.
      Man:     "Well the handjob was the best so I'm gonna trust you
                on this one."

      You guessed it.  The best blowjob he's ever had.
      On his next visit...same bar...same blonde.

      Man:     "You know the hand job and the blow job were soo good
                I not even gonna ask how much to screw, I'll pay it.
      Blonde:  "Come over to the window, I want to show you something.
                Do you see that big building way over there?"
      Man:     (Amazed)  "You mean The Empire State Building?"
      Blonde:  "Yep.  You know...if I was a woman I'd own own that
                building by now!"

300.  Boyfriend:  "Can I call you at work?"
      Blonde:     "Yes, but if my supervisor answers hang up."
      Boyfriend:  "How will I know it's your supervisor."
      Blonde:     "She has red hair and wears glasses."

299.  A buddy told me Saturday that he had just come from the hardware
      store.  Went there to get some blonde paint.  Of course, I had to
      ask, "What in the hell is blonde paint?  He explained, "Well, it's
      not very bright, but it sure spreads easy."

298.  So, this guy and his blonde girlfriend were walking along in a
      residential area, chatting about life and love.  He sees a beautiful
      Irish Setter in the yard of a house just up ahead.  When the dog
      turns its head, he can see its been in some kind of accident, and
      lost one of its eyes.  He says to his girlfriend, "Hon, look at
      the Setter with one eye!"  She pauses, raises her left hand in
      front of her left eye, blocking her vision, and says, "Where?"

297.  Did you hear about the blonde race?  Two blondes were doing what they
      do best, giving blow jobs.  One satisfied gent noticed his blonde was
      spitting the cum into a jar that was almost full.  He asked her, "Why
      are you saving that stuff?"  The blonde replies, "we're having a race,
      and the one that fills her Mayo first gets to drink both of them!"

296.  A blonde worked at a drive through window at McDonalds.  She got
      fired because every time someone would order something, she asked,
      "Is that for here, or to go?"

295.  While walking through a local Sears store, the blonde saw a
      photographer doing portraits of children.   "How much?" she asked.
      "It's fifteen dollars for four kids," the photographer said.
      "It figures," the blonde sighed. "I've only got two kids."

294.  A party required that the guests come dressed representing emotions.
      The first guest came dressed in red for anger.
      The second guest came dressed in yellow for cowardice.
      The third guest came dressed in blue for melancholy.
      The fourth guest, a blonde, came dressed with only tire
      around her waist.  The blonde explained saying, "I'm despair."

293.  A student picked up his gorgeous blonde date at her home.  He'd scraped
      every cent together to take her to a fancy French restaurant.  To his
      horror, his budget was blown when she ordered three appetizers, soup,
      lobster, the special dessert, and a bottle of expensive champagne.
      When he recovered enough to talk, he asked, "What are you doing?  Does
      your Mother feed you like that at home?"  "No," the blonde replied
      sweetly, "but mother's not looking to get sucked and fucked tonight."

292.  A man was walking along the beach when he came across a naked woman.
      He immediately took off his swimsuit and started screwing her.
      Another man walked by, and, horrified by what he saw, started
      screaming at the first man to stop.  "What are you doing, can't you
      see she's dead!"  The first man jumps up with a shocked look on his
      face and says, "Dead?   I thought she was just a normal blonde girl!"

291.  A little blonde girl comes home from school one day crying and runs
      upstairs to her room.  Her Mother follows and asks the girl what was
      wrong.  "Mom," the girl blurted out, "At school today we had a talk
      about how babies are made."  Yes honey, go on," the mother said. "But
      (sob), Mom, they told us that babies come out from where the male
      puts in his.. (sob,cry,wine)...His *thang*!"   "Why yes honey that's
      right," the mother affirms.   "But mom..." cried the little blonde
      girl even harder now, "I don't want to loose my teeth!"

290.  A blonde went to the gynecologist and when he started examining
      her he said, "Good Lord, what a hole!"   She went home and started
      wondering just what he was talking about.  She took off all her
      clothes and put a mirror on the floor so she could see for herself.
      Just then, her husband came home and when he saw her, he asked her
      what she was doing.  His blonde wife said, "Doing jumping jacks."
      He said, "Ok, but look out for that hole in the floor."

289.  Two blondes were playing golf.  One hits a drive and loses sight of
      it after it hits the green.  The other blonde hits his drive and comes
      close to the pin, and may have hit it.  Both golfers go down to the
      green.  They look.  One ball is three inches from the pin, the other
      one is in the cup!   One blonde said, "I was playing a Titleist #2.
      What were you playing?"  The other blonde golfer says, "I was using
      a Titleist #2, too."   After a minute's discussion they retreated to
      the clubhouse.  They were going to ask the club pro to settle the
      dispute.  The pro comes out and looks at the situation.  He then
      comments, "this should be easy for you gals to figure this one out."
      "Which one of you played the WHITE Titleist #2 and which one played
      the ORANGE Titleist #2?"

288.  Blonde reading a newspaper article outloud.  "It is a statistical
      fact, somewhere in the United States, every fifteen minutes, a child
      is born."   The blonde then comments, "My God!  We've got to find
      this woman and stop her!"

287.  Blonde: "So, this is oral sex?"
      He: "Sure is."
      Blonde: "I thought this was a method of cleaning my teeth."
      He: "Nonsense!  Whoever told you that?"
       (pause)
      Blonde: "Oh, nobody..."

286.  A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
      The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that
      he would be with him in just a few minutes.  Well, when the man sat
      down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items
      on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber
      glove, and a beer.  When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc,
      this is my first exam.  I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what
      the glove is for, but what's the BEER for?"   At this instant, the
      doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.  The
      Doc flung the door open and yelled to his blonde nurse, "Dammit!
      Nurse, I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

285.  Some guys give their buddy a blonde woman's phone number with the
      advice, "Call her, she's really hot."   That night, the guy calls her,
      and, after a few minutes of general chit chat, says, "Honey, you need
      to know something about me.  I'm ten inches long and 9 inches around.
      Are you interested?"   "Interested?" the blonde replies, "I'm
      fascinated.  Now tell me how big your dick is!"

284.  The blonde little girl came home one day and said to her blonde mother,
      "Mommy, I found out how women get pregnant!."   "How?" asked her
      blonde mother.   "First you suck on this long hard thing between a
      man's legs," said the little girl, "and then you swallow."  "No
      honey", said the blonde mother, "that's not how women get pregnant.
      That's how women get jewelry."

283.  The blonde was telling her friend about a strange man who had gotten
      on the bus with her at the same stop.  "It was terrible," the blonde
      huffed.  "That asshole grabbed my butt and kissed me and felt me up
      until he had to get off the bus."  "Didn't you say anything to him?"
      asked her friend.  "Oh, no!" exclaimed the blonde.  "My mamma told
      me never to talk to strangers!"

282.  Pat and Mike both long time friends passed away at the same time,
      Pat went up to the Pearly Gates and Mike went to Hell.  Pat was able
      to look down upon Hell and saw Mike with a blonde on one knee and a
      bottle of beer on the other.  He questioned St. Peter about this.
      St. Peter's answer was:  "See the bottle of beer?  It has a hole in
      the bottom.   See the blonde?   She doesn't.

281.  A man had about 10 gallons in the sperm bank, and returned about a
      week later to see if they would take anymore.  He was surprised to
      find that all his sperm was gone.  He found that it was the same woman,
      too.  He visited the blonde woman, and asked her why she had
      withdrawn 10 gallons of his sperm.  "Because it tasted good!  Can
      I have some fresh?"  She asked with a sly grin on her face.
      "Why Sure!" he said with anticipation as he took down his pants.
      She left, and then walked in with a cup.  "Here you go!" said the
      blonde, handing him the cup, and sitting down to wait for her drink.

280.  A blonde visiting Toronto for the first time decides to go to a
      ball game in the SkyDome.  About half way through the game she
      hears, "Hey Mary!"  She turns around and scans the crowd but can't
      pinpoint the caller, so she turns back to watch the game.  A few
      minutes later she hears, "Hey Mary!" again from somewhere in the
      bleachers behind her.  She turns to look For the caller again and
      she still can't figure out who's voice it is.  About 30 seconds
      later she hears again, "Hey Mary!"  In exasperation the blonde
      turns around and shouts to the crowd, "Hey, my name is NOT Mary!"

279.  Blonde:  "I think there's something wrong with my car."
      Boyfriend:  "Any idea what the problem is?"
      Blonde:  "I think I've flooded the fuel system."
      Boyfriend:  "What makes you think that?"
      Blonde:  "Well, earlier I swerved to avoid a cat and ended
           up with the car in the creek."

278.  A blonde female was being asked some questions by a lawyer.  The
      lawyer said to the blonde, "Miss, have you ever been a witness in
      a suit like this?"  The blonde replied, "No, last time I wore my
      white skirt and black blouse."

277.  This guy picks up this blonde Hitchhicker and while driving down the
      road the blonde says, "Thanks for picking me up, not many men will
      pick up a Witch."   The guy says, "Awww, your not really a Witch
      are you?"  The blonde says, "Yes! I really am."  She then bites him
      on the neck, and blows in his ear making him turn into a motel.

276.  I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for four hundred
      dollars, minus six percent for cash," the salesman said.
      The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think
      about the deal and return the next day.
      That evening, the fellow asked his blonde friend, "If you were
      offered four hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you
      take off?"  "Everything but my earrings," purred the blonde.

275.  A business man calls home from work to speak with his wife and the
      blonde maid answers the phone.   "I'm sorry sir," says the blonde,
      "she is busy right now."   The gentleman, a little upset at the maid's
      refusal to put his wife on the phone demands to speak with his wife
      once again.

      "But sir, she is in the bedroom with a man," says the blonde maid.

      Becoming quite furious and shocked that his wife is sleeping with
      another man, he instructs the maid to take his gun and shoot them both.

      "I could never shoot anyone," says the blonde maid.

      He offers her $200,000 to kill them both and she agrees.  She
      sets down the phone and not long after a half dozen gun shots
      ring out and the blonde returns to the phone crying.

      "I did it, sir.  I did it!  I shot them both dead for you."

      The man instructs the blonde maid to take the bodies and put them in
      the empty pool and cover them until he gets home to get rid of them.

      "But, sir, we have no pool!"

      Confused, the man asks, "Isn't this the Smith residence?"

274.  Officer: "Do you know you were doing 80 miles an hour?"
      Blonde lady: "But that's what the sign says!"
      "That's the route number, not the speed limit!" says the officer.
      "Really?  You should have clocked me on Route 120!" says the blonde.

273.  This blond guy takes his date to an open air theater.  At the
      intermission, he excuses himself to go take a leak.  He asks an
      usher where the men's room is.  Jokingly the usher tells the blond
      guy to take a left at the next elm tree and that would be it.
      So the blond does and finishes his business and returns to his seat.
      He asks his date, "Did the second act start yet?"  To which she
      replies, "You should know.  You were in it!"

272.  Did you hear about the guy standing at a bus stop with his hands in
      his pockets on an icy, windy day.  A blonde comes up to the bus stop,
      without gloves, and says "May I stick my hands in your pockets?"
      "Sure," he says.  The blonde slips her hands in, screams and pulls
      them out again.   "So who said I had pockets?"

271.  Blonde walking down the street steps across an open manhole.  Raucous
      laughter comes up from the manhole.  She leans over the edge and says,
      "Mister, you ain't no gentleman!"  To which the guy in the hole
      replies, "And lady, you ain't no blonde!"

270.                       Bah Humbug Christmas

           Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed,
                He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
           Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
                I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

           I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
                Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
           The old lady bitches cause I work late at night,
                The elves want more money.  The reindeer all fight.

           Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
                Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
           And just when I thought that things would get better,
                Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

           They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny,
                Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
           And the kids these days, they all are the pits,
                They want the impossible.  Those mean little shits.

           I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
                Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads.
           I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them,
                They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

           If you think that's bad...just picture this,
                Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss.
           They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard,
                And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird.

           Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
                Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
           I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment,
                I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

           There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason,
                I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

269.  This blonde goes into a doctor's office, and says, "Pardon me, doctor,
      I was wondering if I might converse with you about a small problem
      that I have."   The doctor ushers her into his office, and she says,
      "Unfortunately, Doc, I was born with an unnaturally high IQ, and this
      has simply been the bane of my existence!  I cannot go anywhere,
      no-one wants to converse with me--oh, doctor, I wish you had some way
      to make me less intelligent!"

      The doctor considers this, and says, "You know...we just got a
      machine in from Dallas called the 'brainsucker.'  It'll lower your
      IQ from genius to normal in just three minutes!"  The blonde is
      simply overjoyed--a normal life!  So the doctor hooks her up to
      the machine, flips the switch...after only a minute and a half,
      the doctor's phone rings--it's his wife.  He's talking to his wife,
      talking, talking...looks up, and half an hour has passed.  "Oh my
      GOD!" he yells, hangs up the phone, dashes tot he other room, turns
      off the machine, rips the helmet off the blonde, and starts slapping
      her, trying to make her conscious.   The blonde finally starts
      showing signs of life.  The doctor says, "You were on that machine
      TEN TIMES as long as you should've been!   Are you all right?"

      The blonde says, (tilting head to one side)  "Cocktails?"

268.  The blonde was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a gun to
      her head.  She turned to her boyfriend and said, "I'm gonna' kill
      myself."  Her boyfriend responded, "that would be real stupid!"
      The blonde screamed, "Shut up ass hole or you're next!"

267.  A blonde cop pulls over a woman.  "Let me see your driver's license,"
      demands the blonde cop.  The woman hands over her drivers license.
      "It says here you need 'corrective lenses' so, where are your glasses?"
      asks the blonde cop.
      "Officer, I have contacts," replies the woman driver.
      "I don't care WHO you know, where are you glasses?"

266.  Down South for a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local
      blonde.  When he called for her at her home, the blonde was clad
      in a low-cut, tight-fitting gown.  He remarked, "That's a beautiful
      dress."  "Sho'nough?"  asked the blonde.  "It sure does," he replied.

265.  A blonde is walking down a street with one tit hanging outside her
      dress.  Cop walks up to her and says, "I'm arresting you for indecent
      exposure."  The blonde looks down and exclaims, "Oh SHIT! I must have
      left the baby on the bus!"

264.  Because I'm blonde I don't have to think.
        I talk like a baby and I never pay for drink.
      I don't have to worry about getting a man,
        If I keep this blonde and I keep this tan.

           -----chorus-----
      Because I'm a blonde, yah, yah, cause I'm a blonde, yah, yah.

      I see people working it just makes giggle.
        I don't have to work, I just have to wiggle.
      I never learned to read and I never learned to cook,
        Why should I bother when I look how I look?

           -----chorus-----
      Because I'm a blonde, yah, yah, cause I'm a blonde, yah, yah.

      I know lots of people are smarter then me,
        But I have this philosophy...
      I took an I.Q. test and flunked it of course,
        Can't spell B.W. but I got a Porsche.

           -----chorus-----
      Because I'm a blonde, yah, yah, cause I'm a blonde, yah, yah.

      I see girls without dates and I feel so sorry for them,
        Cause whenever I'm around all the men ignore em.
      Being chosen as this month's Miss August,
        Is a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can.
      Right now I'm a freshman at my forth year at u.c.l.a
        And my goals to be a vet cause I love children.

           -----chorus-----
      Because I'm a blonde, yah, yah, cause I'm a blonde, yah, yah.

263.       The desk sergeant answered the phone, and a blonde, obviously
      drunk, began screaming at him.  "It's terrible!  I went into the
      bar for a few drinks, and when I came out they'd ransacked my car!
      They took the radio, the steering wheel, the brake, the gas pedal,
      the glove compartment--the whole friggin' dashboard, in fact!"
           After dutifully writing down the address of the bar, the desk
      sergeant dispatched a car.  Moments later, the phone rang again.
           "Never mind," the blonde told him.  "I got in the back seat by
      mistake."

262.  A man who plays cards one night a month with a group of buddies was
      concerned because he always woke up his blonde wife when he came
      home about 1 am.  One night he decided to try not to disturb her.
      He undressed in the living room and tiptoed nude into the bedroom,
      only to find his blonde wife sitting up in bed reading.  "Good Lord!"
      she exclaimed.  "Did you lose everything?"

261.  While Oscar was in a board meeting, one of his
      blonde employees came running up to him.
      "Oscar!  Oscar!  I just saw someone driving off with your Mercedes!"
      "Did you try to stop him?!"
      "No," said the blonde, "but don't worry.  I got the license number!"

260.  Sven and Olga just got married and are driving to Minneapolis for
      their honeymoon.  Along the way, Sven (who's at the wheel) reaches
      over and places his hand on Olga's knee.  Olga smiles and blushes,
      and says,  "Oh Sven, we're married now, you can go farther than
      that!"   So they drove to Duluth.

259.  After taking his blonde date to a movie and nice dinner, a young man
      drove to a quiet spot and parked.  The couple began to neck, and
      when things got steamy, the fellow asked his blonde date,

      "How about getting in the back seat?"
      "No," the blonde said.

      He began to kiss her again and started running his hand up and
      down her body.

      "Now will you get in the back seat?" he asked.
      "No!" she said more firmly.

      He went back to kissing and rubbing her breasts.  She was squirming all
      over the place.  Finally, he clenched his teeth and pleaded with her,

      "For God's sake, get in the back seat, will you?"
      "No," replied the blonde.
      "Well, why the hell not?" asked her frustrated date.
      "Because," she replied sweetly, "I want to stay up here with you."

258.  A blonde bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
      "Shall I stick it on myself?"
      The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on
      the envelope."

257.  The young blonde had just moved into a fourth story apartment.
      The phone rang.  A man with a strange voice said, "I am the Viper.
      I'm one building away."  She slammed the phone down and closed
      her curtains.

      About 30 minutes later the phone ran.  The same strange voice
      said, "I am the Viper.  I'm downstairs now.  I'll be up in a
      few minutes."  She slammed the phone down, ran to the door,
      threw the dead bolt, and put the chain lock on.

      She was still shivering from his last call when the doorbell
      rang.  She peered through the peephole, but saw nothing.  The
      doorbell rang again.  She went to the kitchen and got a butcher
      knife.  Her courage bolsted, she turned the dead bolt and opened
      the door as far as the chain would allow.

      A very small man stood outside.  "I'm the Viper," he said.
      "I'm here to vash your vindows."

256.  A blond truck driver returns home after two months on the road.
      At 1:00 in the morning the phone rings and he pickes it up.
      He replies, "How the hell should I know . . . that's 200 miles away!"
      The blond then lays the phone back down and snuggles back into bed.
      His wife asks,  "Who was that honey?"
      The blond trucker replies, "Some jerk!"
      His wife, even more curious, asks, "Well, what did he want?"
      "He wanted to know if the coast was clear," replied the dumb blond.

255.  This lady is consoling a blonde friend.  She is getting married and has
      been hiding a secret from her husband to be.  Her fiance believes
      his blonde wife to be is a virgin.  She asks her best friend what
      to do on the wedding night.  The best friend advises the blonde to
      wrap an elastic band around her upper leg and when the time is right
      snap the elastic band.  The blonde is stumped and asks why.  The best
      friend says, "When the elastic is snapped, tell your husband that the
      sound is that of your cherry popping."  The blonde agrees to do this,
      and on the wedding night, with perfect timing and at the perfect
      moment she snaps the elastic, "POP!!"   "YOW!!!!  What the hell is
      that," screams the newly married husband.   "That my dear, is my
      cherry popping," replies the blonde newlywed.  "FOR GODS SAKES!!
      Pop it again it's caught me by the balls!!"

254.  This blonde was ice fishing, when a voice from above was calling:
      "There are no fish here!"
      She was startled but he went on drilling the hole.
      "There are no fish!" the voice came again.
      The blonde stopped drilling and asked, "Is that you speaking God?"
      "No, I'm the Ice Hockey Arena announcer!"

253.  A blonde is on a 12 story building, ON THE ROOF of it.  She falls off.
      Some guy on the 9th story is on his balcony and he grabs the girl as
      she's falling.  He asks, "do you screw?"  She says, "no!!"  So he drops
      her off the balcony.  Some guy at the 6th story is on his balcony, and
      he grabs her as she's falling.  He asks her, "do you suck?"  She says,
      "No!"  So he drops her off the balcony.  She is on the 4th story, and
      a guy on his balcony grabs her as she's falling.  She yells out, "I
      screw, I suck!  Yes yes I do!"   Then he yells, "SLUT!" and drops her
      off the balcony where she really gets screwed slamming into the street.

252.  The beautiful blonde had finished filling out the job application
      and handed it to the personnel director.  He looked it over,
      handed it back and said, "Under EXPERIENCE, could please be a
      little more specific than just 'Lots'?"

251.  A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.  In
      the first room she said she would like a pale blue.  The contractor
      wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
      "GREEN SIDE UP!"  In the second room she told the painter she would
      like it painted in a soft yellow.  He wrote this on his pad, walked
      to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  The lady was
      somewhat curious but she said nothing.  In the third room she said
      she would like it painted a warm rose color.  The painter wrote this
      down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
      The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
      "I'm sorry," came the reply.  "But I have a crew of blond guys laying
      sod across the street..."

250.  A brunette was stopped with her Volkswagen alongside the highway, with
      some motor trouble.  A blonde pulled up and asked if she could  help.

      "Well . . . I don't know -- the car won't run anymore."

      So the blonde had a look under the front hood and found it empty.
      "That's why it won't run, you lost the motor somewhere back there
      on the highway."

249.  The little blonde is going home from school.
      Dirty Johnnie is standing by the flag pole calling her over.

      "I'll give you a dollar if you can climb this flag pole!"  He tells her.

      The blonde runs home to her mother and says, "Mommy, I got
      a dollar from Dirty Johnnie for climbing the flag pole!"

      "You stupid girl!"  Her mother exclaims.
      "He only wanted to see your panties!"

      The next day Dirty Johnnie is at the flag pole again calling
      the cute little blonde over.  "I'll give you five dollars if
      you climb the pole again!"

      She thinks for a minute then agrees!

      She runs home and tells her mother, "Mommy I just got
      five dollars for climbing the flag pole!"

      "You stupid girl!  I told you yesterday that Johnnie only
      wants to see your panties!"  Her mother yells at her.

      With a big grin, the blonde replies,
      "Today I was smart!  I took my panties off first!"

248.  There was a blonde out rowing her boat in the corn field.   Another
      blonde pulls her car over by the field saying,  "Why are you rowing
      in the field?   You know it is stupid blondes like you who gives us
      smart blondes a bad reputation.  If you weren't so far away from my
      car, I would swim over there and teach you a lesson."

247.  Blonde wife:  "Hey Honey!  Look at this new VCR I bought!"
      Husband:      "Now Hillary, I told you we can't afford one of those!"
      Blonde wife:  "It's okay, Honey.  I traded in the TV set for it!"

246.  A blonde Polish girl is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a trucker.
      She is amazed at all the radio gear he has in his truck.

      Trucker:  "Yeah, I got a cellular phone, a C.B. radio, a ham radio,
      and I can talk to people all over the world."

      Blonde:  "Can you get my mother, in Poland?  I haven't talked to her
      in ages."

      Trucker:  "Yeah, I got all the equipment necessary.  Maybe we can
      work something out."  And he unzips his pants and pulls "it" out.

      Blonde:  "Oh, O.K."  She leans over towards his lap and opens her
      mouth, and says, "HELLO?  MOM?"

245.  Date: Jan 10, 1993.
      From: Clorox Research Dept. Oakland, Ca
      To:   All employees
      RE:   So-called 'Bleach Blondes' and 'Blonde Idiocy'

      Due to the negative publicity given forth by the public about 'Bleach
      Blondes' (heretofore known as 'Imitation Blondes') having lower-than-
      average intelligence, because of the alleged chemical reactions between
      our product and the Imitation Blondes' brains, we at the Clorox Research
      Dept. have donated much time and effort in order to find the true cause
      of this problem.

      One hundred Natural Blondes, and One hundred Imitation Blondes were
      given Intelligent Quotient (IQ) tests.  The following is the result:
      (The Average is the mean IQ scores of all groups)

                        Natural  |  Imitation
               ---------------------------------------
      Above Avg.          65     |     1*
      Avg.                34     |     15
      Below Avg.           1*    |     84


      (* It was later found that one Blonde couldn't remember if she was a
      Natural, or an Imitation.  After extensive root research it was found
      that she was Imitation.)

      After many hours of deliberation, it was decided that there was a link
      between being born a Natural, or later becoming an Imitation,  and the
      level of intelligence.

      Our next question was if this was related to our fine product.  Many
      tests (done safely, with the watchful eye of the Humane Society) were
      endeavored with common household rats coloured both white, and dingy
      brown.   The results were astonishing!  The dingy brown rats lost
      their color, and the whites became whiter!   More tests proved that
      there was NO significant difference in the intelligence of the rats,
      and possibly an INCREASE in intelligence due to their better self-
      esteem!  Knowing that our product was not the cause of intelligence
      loss, we moved on to other tests.

      It was noted by a researcher that some blondes 'bounce' their heads
      from side to side as they walk.  The following results are from the
      same one hundred Natural and one hundred Imitation:

                        Natural  :  Imitation
               ---------------------------------------
      No Bounce           99     :      1*
      Bounce               1*    :     99

      (* Refer to previous note)

      A direct correlation was found between Imitation Blondes, and 'Bouncing'
      their heads as they walk.

      After much experimentation, it was discovered that by 'bouncing' his
      or her head, the Imitation Blonde would actually be forcing brain cells
      through the follicles, and finally into the hair, discoloring it
      because of the lighter color of the brain cells.  The Imitation Blonde
      would then have his/her hair cut, and thus become of lower intelligence,
      explaining this oddity.

      In conclusion, Clorox is NOT the cause of Blonde Idiocy.

                              Clorox Research Dept.
                              (c) 1993 Eric Forhan

244.  A blonde enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
      The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.  The instructor,
      hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what
      her asshole does when she has an orgasm.  The intelligent blonde
      says, "Sure.  He's at home taking care of the kids."

243.  The college professor assigned this creative writing class to prepare
      a short story embedding all the following elements:

          Religion
          Sex
          Mystery
          Royalty

      The blonde transfer student turned in her effort as follows:

      "Good God," said the blonde homecoming queen, "I'm pregnant.
      Who did it?"

242.  So the High School Teacher is giving his students a little quiz.
      He asks the blonde girl if she can explain the difference between
      a screw, a nail, and a bolt.   "Golly!" replied the beautiful blonde,
      "I've never BEEN bolted before!"

241.  This blonde couple was doing some heavy necking in the car and
      things started getting pretty steamy.  "Oh darling, darling," the
      girl gasped at last, "Kiss me where it smells!"  So he drove her
      to the Garbage Dump.

240.  There were three women in a bar.  They were having an argument
      about whose pussy was looser.  The first one says, "I can stick 2
      fingers up my cunt," and she did.  The second one said, "I can
      stick my fist up my cunt," and she did.  The third one, the only
      blonde of the bunch, just laughed and slid down the barstool.

239.  A blonde and a brunette went to the movies together. A while after the
      lights went out the blonde leaned over and said,  "The man next to me
      is masturbating."  "Oh, that's disgusting," said the brunette.  "Lets
      get out of here."  "I can't," the blonde moaned.  "He's using MY hand."

238.  Once there was this blond guy who wanted to study agriculture.
      So he headed out to a farm to buy some animals.  "I'll take one
      of these," he said to the farmer,  "What is it?"  "Well to me it's
      a cock, but to you it's a rooster," said the wily farmer.  "I'll
      take one of these too," said the blond Alabama boy. "What is it?"
      "Well to me it's a pullet, but to you it's a chicken," replied the
      farmer.  "Okay", said the blond student.  "And I'll take one of
      those, too, but what it is."  "To us farmers it's a rare jackass
      from outer Mongolia, but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer.
      "And when it sits down you will have to scratch its belly to get
      it moving again," the farmer says while laughing.  So the blond
      boy set off for home with all his new purchases.  He was doing
      fine, till he passed an intersection and a pretty girl drove out,
      at which point his rare jackass sat down in the middle of the
      intersection and refused to budge.  Seeing he was having some
      trouble, the pretty blonde girl backed up and asked if there was
      anything she could do to help him out.  "Actually, yes," said the
      blond student.  "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch
      my ass?"

237.  A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were talking about having babies
      and the Brunette said that you can predict what the baby was going to
      be by the way you screwed.  The redhead said that means that she was
      going to have a girl because she was on the bottom.  The brunette said
      that she was going to have a boy because she was on top.  The blonde
      was starting to cry, saying, "I think I'm going to have a dog!"

236.  One night Bob came home from work and told his wife that he had just
      signed up with the company hockey team.  Worried that he might get her
      favorite tool hurt, she went out to buy him a cup.  The middle-aged
      blonde sales clerk showed her the cup and told her there was a range
      of sizes to choose from.   "Gee, I'm really not sure what Bob's cup
      size is," confided his wife to the clerk.  The blonde clerk helpfully
      extended her pinkie.  "Oh, no.  It's bigger that that."  The clerk
      extends a second finger.  "Nope," replies Bob's wife, "bigger than
      that."   The clerk adds a third finger.  Blushing, she says, "still
      bigger."  The clerk extended a fourth finger and her thumb too.  "Yes,
      that's about right," says Bob's wife.  So the blonde clerk puts all
      her extended digits into her mouth, pulls them out, and proudly
      announces, "That'll be a medium."

235.  A guy took a blonde out on a date.   Earlier that day a cop told him
      to check his turn signal.  Remembering that and the dumb obedience of
      blondes, he told his blonde date to get out and tell him if his turn
      signals were working.   Well, she forgot to wait for him to stop the
      car, but after a couple of tumbles and a quick jog she caught up with
      him.  Finally, she stood behind the car, and again he asked her to
      tell him if the turn signals were working.   She replied, "Yes...No...
      Yes...No... Yes...No..."

234.  There are these 2 blondes looking at the ground trying to figure out
      what the strange tracks are that they are on.   One of them says,
      "these are definitely lion tracks."  The other one says, "No! No!
      These are bear tracks."  Then suddenly as they are arguing, they get
      hit by a train.

233.  There once once this blonde bitch who was walking down the street.
      She saw a man jumping on a manhole cover and yelling "21, 21, 21"
      really happily.  Not seeing what the man could possibly be getting
      from all of that.   She asked if she could try.   He agreed and she
      started jumping and saying "21, 21, 21" and not getting anything out
      of it.  All of a sudden the man yanks the cover from under her,  she
      falls in, he covers up the manhole, puts back the cover and starts
      yelling "22, 22, 22."

232.  After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
      sports car over to the curb.  When he walked up to the drivers window,
      he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind the wheel.
      "Ma'am," he said.  "I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a
      Breathalyzer test to see whether you've been drinking."  The test was
      taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, the test
      indicates you've had a couple of stiff ones."  "That's amazing!"
      the blonde cried.  "You mean it shows that, too?"

231.  A cop pulls over a blonde in a car, and thinks to himself, 'hummm, she
      looks like she's had one too many, I think I'll take advantage of the
      situation.'  So he walks over to her car, and pulls out his dick.
      The blonde lady just groans and says, "Breathalyzer test again?"

230.  There's a Russian, an American woman, and a Mexican sitting in a bar
      talking, the Russian says, "We were the FIRST country to put a
      man in space!"  The American blonde woman replies, "We were the
      FIRST country to put a man on the moon!"  The Mexican says, "So
      what, we're the greatest, we're going to de SUN!"  The Russian laughs,
      at him and explains that he'll burn up long before he reaches it.
      The blonde backs the Mexican saying, "Nah, not if they go at
      night time!"

229.  An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament was delighted
      when a beautiful blonde came up to him after the round and hinted
      he come over to her place.  The fellow was a bit embarrassed to
      admit he couldn't stay the night, for he had to be up bright and
      early for his next tournament tomorrow.  Twenty minutes later
      they were in her bed making powerful love.  When it was all over
      he got out of bed and started dressing.  "Hey," called out the
      blonde from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going?
      Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early..."  Hearing that, the
      amateur golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of
      her again.  Once they had finished making love the second time, he
      got up and started putting his pants on.  "Now what are you doing?"
      she asked.  "Greg Norman wouldn't think of leaving now."  So,
      reluctantly, the golfer pulled his pants back off, got in bed,
      gave her another good screw and afterwards he started putting on his
      pants again.  "Aw c'mon, you can't leave yet," the horny blonde
      protested.  "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't call it a day yet."  "Lady,
      would you tell me just one thing?" asked the wore out golfer,
      looking at the blonde seriously.  "What's par for your hole?"

228.  There was this blonde that wanted to start a chicken farm so she
      went to a chicken farm and said, "I want 500 baby chickens.  The
      chicken farm sold the blonde the baby chicks.  This same blonde
      comes back in to the chicken farm the next day and asked for
      another 500 baby chicks!  The chicken farm guy said, "Lady, you
      are going to have a BIG chicken farm!"  The blonde said, "I don't
      know . . . I am either planting them to far apart or too deep!"

227.  The farmers in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard in town.
      The blonde daughter walked into the office and said, "I need
      some four-by-twos."  "You must mean two-by-fours," the office
      worker suggested.  The blonde stared blankly for a minute.
      "Lemme go check, I'll be right back," she said heading back to
      the truck.  When she returned, she said, "Yeah, I mean two-by-
      fours."  "OK, how long do you want them?" asked the office worker.
      The blonde again stared blankly into space.  "I'd better go check,
      be right back," she said heading off for the truck again.  Upon
      returning to the office, she said, "We'll need them for a long
      long time, we're building a house."

226.  The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist
      and told him of her and her husband's wish to start a family.  "We've
      been trying for months now, and I can't get pregnant" she confessed
      miserably.   "I'm sure we'll solve the problem" the Doctor states,
      "please remove all your clothing and get on the examination table."
      "Well, all right Doctor," agreed the blushing blonde, "But I'd rather
      have my husband's baby!"

225.  "What sounds do a cow make?", the teacher asked his class of
      youngsters.   One of his pupils held up his hand and responded,
      "A cow goes 'Moo'."   Very good, the teacher said.  "Now tell me
      what sound a sheep makes."   Another pupil replied,  "Baaaa."
      "Great," the teacher exclaimed.  He turned to this blonde student
      and asked, "And what does a pig say?"   The sexy young blonde
      shouted out, "A pig says,  'Freeze, motherfuckers!  Put your hands
      over your fucking heads!'"

224.  Two blondes were talking about their sex lives.  One blonde
      turns to the other and says, "Do you and your husband have
      mutual orgasms?"   "No," answers her blonde friend.  "We have
      State Farm."

223.  A blonde woman was washing her clothes in a pasture stream.  She
      was leaning over a scrub board, her skirt tied up so it wouldn't
      get wet, and her devil red panties were showing.  A bull in the
      pasture caught sight of the panties and charged.  WHAM!!!  The
      blonde kept on with her washing, and sensually said, "I don't
      know who you are or where you are from, but I'm here every
      Monday, Wednesday and Friday!"

222.  One day a blonde came home and told her mother that she had been
      fucked by a black man.  A large black man.  Her mother instantly
      grabs her arm, "Well, hurry, go into the kitchen, cut up a lemon
      and suck on it!"   "Will that keep me from getting pregnant?" asked
      the blonde.  "No," snapped the mother, "but it'll wipe that stupid
      grin off your face before you father sees it!"

221.  A blonde was standing on a street corner when a man stopped
      and said, "Excuse me miss, but did you know that you have a
      tampon hanging out of your mouth?"  "Oh my God," said the blonde.
      "What did I do with my cigarette?"

220.  A macho guy came into a bar one day with his pet alligator under his
      arm, sat down, put the gator on the bar and ordered a drink. The
      bartender freaked and said to get the alligator out of there.  The
      guy explained that the gator was very tame and clean because he was
      his pet.  The bartender wouldn't buy it and said he'd have to leave.
      The guy said he would demonstrate how tame the gator was and proceeded
      to open the gator's mouth and put his arm inside.  The bartender
      did not buy this and said he would still have to leave.  The guy
      said he was so tame that he opened the gator's mouth and put his
      head inside.  The bartender still wasn't convinced so the guy said
      he would show him, for once and for all, that the gator was a pet.
      With this, he opened his fly, opened the gator's mouth and put his
      dick inside.  Then he grabbed a newspaper, rolled it up and beat
      the gator over the head with it.  When he was finished he said to
      the bartender, "There now are you convinced?"  The bartender was
      still hesitant.  The guy, being almost at the end of his rope
      hollered over at a gorgeous blonde lady sitting in a corner table
      to come over and help him.  She stumbled over and he asked if she
      had seen what had happened and if she would help him convince the
      bartender.   The blonde said, "Okay mister, just don't hit me so
      hard with the newspaper when you stick your cock in my mouth."

219.  Did you hear about the blonde's little boy who, while
      passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night,
      and hearing noises inside, stared in and hollered,
      "And you have the nerve to slap me for sucking my thumb!?"

218.  A guy met a sexy blonde at a party and was dying to get into her
      jeans.  She seemed willing and he couldn't wait, so the moment he
      got her alone he jumped on top of her and started drilling away.
      "If I'd known you were a virgin," said the fellow afterwards,
      "I'd have taken my time."   "If I'd known you had time," the
      blonde replied back, "I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

217.  Two sexy blondes were sitting on a wharf in the everglades dangling
      their legs in the water, trying to cool off.  SNAP!   Suddenly one
      blonde said to the other, "Hey!  I think an alligator just bit my
      leg off."   The other said, "Which one?"   The first blonde said,
      "I dunno, you seen one alligator you seen 'em all."

216.  There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
      and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland
      and estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, "I'm going
      to try to swim to shore."  So she swam out five miles, and got really
      tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
      and drowned.  The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder
      if she made it.  I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
      than stay here and starve."  So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead
      had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles
      before she even got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go
      on, and she drowned.  So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if
      they made it!  I think I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam
      out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.
      The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"
      So she swam back.

215.  A young blonde girl is getting married, so she goes to
      her doctor to find out which contraceptive she should
      use.  After a lengthy discussion with him she chose
      the diaphragm.  After two weeks of marriage, the blonde
      comes back to the doctor and says she thinks she must be
      dying or something.  "What seems to be the problem?" asks
      the doctor.  "Well Doctor, I seem to have this awful
      discharge down there," says the blonde.  "Are you using
      your diaphragm like I told you?" asks the doctor.  "Yes
      everytime I have intercourse," answers the blonde right
      back.  "And what kind of jelly are you using?" asks the
      Doctor?   "Grape," says the blonde.

214.  Betty had two passions.  She loved shopping and she love to
      feel free, wearing no underwear at all.  One day she went looking
      for a new pair of shoes alone.  Since she was wearing a skirt
      this day, the shoe salesman was enjoying an excellent view.
      After slipping on the third or fourth pair of shoes on the blonde,
      the guy couldn't stand it any longer.  "Lady," he was saying to
      the cute blonde who's pussy was so inviting, "that's some
      beautiful sight.  I could eat that pussy out even if it was full of
      ice cream!"  Totally disgusted, Betty stormed out of the store,
      called her boyfriend, told him about the incident, and asked him
      to go down and beat the shit out of the shoe salesman.  When her
      boyfriend flatly refused, the irritated blonde asked why.  "Three
      reasons," the boyfriend replied.  "Number one, you shouldn't have
      been out in a skirt without wearing panties.  Number two, you have
      enough shoes to last you a lifetime already.  And number three, I
      don't care to mess with any bastard who can eat that much
      ice cream!"

213.  A guy comes home from work and there is no aroma of supper in
      the air.  He asks his blonde wife where she has been all day and
      she replies boldly, "at a N.O.W. meeting."  He says, "ok where is
      supper?"  She says, "you can cook, get your own supper."  Later
      he asks if his clothes are washed for the next day.  She replies,
      "You can operate the washer, do it yourself."   So he says,  "How
      would you like it if you did not see me for three days?"   The
      blonde replied, "FINE!"   Well she did not see him the next day.
      The day after that, her swelling started going down a little.
      On the third day she finally regained consciousness...

212.  A blonde goes to the petshop to buy a singing parakeet.   The pet shop
      owner says: "I'm sorry lady, we just ran out of singing parakeets,
      but we have regular parakeets and if you file their beak just right
      they will sing away just like the singing ones do."  The blonde said,
      "I'll take one."  The shop owner said, "You have to file the beak
      just so.  If you file it to much the parakeet will go to take a drink
      and it will drown.  The blonde buys the bird and a file and leaves
      the shop.  Three days later the blonde shows up back at the petshop.
      The owner is standing at the counter and says, "Aren't you the same
      lady that bought the... Ohhh, let me guess, you filed the beak to
      much and the bird went for a drink and drowned didn't it?"   The
      blonde replied,  "No, I knew the bird was dead when I took it's
      head out of the vice."

211.  There was a blonde who went on one of those $10 airplane rides that
      pop up at some small airfields. While cruising at a nice high
      altitude, the pilot, knowing who he has in the other seat, fiddles
      with the controls, causing the engine to sputter and die.  In a
      panic, he tells his passenger that the plane is out of gas. The
      blonde, looks out of the window at the ground far below, and says:
      "Gee, they never will find us way up here!"

210.  The blonde mother decided it was time for her son to learn to
      play baseball, so she went to the sporting goods store.  "How
      much for this baseball glove?" she asked the salesman.  "Twenty
      dollars," he replied.  "And the bat?" she asked.  "Twelve dollars,"
      said the salesman.  "How about a ball for this stuff?" suggested
      the salesman sincerely.  "Nah," answered the blonde mother after
      a bit of thought, "but I got time for a quick blow job for it."

209.  Well the Fundamentalists are at it again with their literal
      interpretations of the Bible.  However, a group at a well-known
      ultra-conservative church in town got even too literal for its
      literal minded minister.  One night during prayer meeting, the
      pastor had urged his flock to flip their fingers through the Bible
      and then literally practice whatever scripture their finger happened
      to land upon.  All of a sudden in the back of the church, a blonde
      woman jumped on top of a man and started going for his bone.  The
      pastor was outraged and said,  "I don't know any place in the Holy
      Bible where such outrageous conduct is condoned."   The blonde
      woman who he was disgusted with stuck out her Bible and said,
      "Right here it reads 'Thy rod and Thy staff shall comfort me...'"

208.  The police stopped a blonde running down main street the other
      day buck naked!   "Susan," demanded the cop, "why are you running
      down the street naked?"   "Well," replied Susan, "We was having
      a wild party over at Mario's house and somebody said, 'Hey, let's
      all take off our clothes and go to town.'"   Golly, I must be
      the first one in town!"

207.  A while after his wife of twenty years had died, John decided it
      was time to remarry.  Soon afterward he met a sweet young blonde
      named Sophia and he proposed to her.  Sophia laid it on the line
      to John.  "John," she started saying, "there are some things I'm
      not prepared to live without if I marry you.  First of all, I need
      a condominium in Florida."  "No problem.  I've got a super condo
      in Miami," said the older man.  "Also, I need my own bath
      room," the blonde continued on.  "Two and a half baths in both
      my house and condo, you can have your pick of both," said John.
      Then Sophia looked John straight in the eye.  "And SEX!"
      "Infrequently," answered John.  Thinking it over for a minute,
      the blonde asked, "Did you mean that as one word or two?"

206.  A blonde goes to the gynecologist.   She gets up on the
      table and spreads her legs.  The doctor looks her over and
      can't believe how badly she has taken care of herself.
      "When was the last time you had a check-up?" the doctor
      asks.   Embarrassed, the blonde replies, "Never had a
      Czech up yet, but I've had a few Italians, one German,
      couple of Swedes..."

205.  A blond guy visits the hospital.
      "I want to be castrated!"  he demands cheerfully.
      "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks.
      "Have you discussed it with your wife?" he added.
      "Yes, yes!  I've thought about this for a long time.  Let's get
       it over with!"   So, the operation is performed.  Since it's
      relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital
      for one day.  On his way home, he meets a friend.
      "Well, hello!  I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his
       friend says.
      "No, I've been in the hospital," replies the blond.
      "Well, that's funny.  I'm on my way there right now!"
      "Really?  So, what's up?" asked the blond.
      "I'm going to get vaccinated."
      "OH, NO!!  That's what it's called!" said the blond.

204.  A stupid blonde goes into a bar and sits down.  The bartender
      asks what she'd like to drink and she says, "Bring me a beer."
      "Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.  "Just fine, thanks," she
      answers back, "and how's yur cock?"

203.  During the war, three women (a redhead, an brunette and a blonde) were
      caught spying behind enemy lines and were sentenced to die by firing
      squad.  As they were waiting their turn to be executed, one of them
      said, "I remember reading that these people are afraid of disasters.
      So when they take aim at us we should yell out some kind of disaster
      and make a break for it."  They all agreed.

      The brunette was the first to be brought to the wall.  As the firing
      squad raised their rifles she yelled "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE," and the
      soldiers dropped their guns and ran for shelter and in the confusion
      she made her escape.

      Then the redhead was brought up.  At the sound of Ready! Aim!  She
      began to scream at the top of her lungs.  "Here comes a tornado!!"
      And again the soldiers dropped their guns and ran.

      Now it was time to execute the blonde.  As the soldiers raised their
      rifles to the sound of "Ready!  Aim!" she screamed "Fire!"

202.  A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird
      flying overhead.  Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was
      directly over her.  The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
      open, or that would've hit me right in the face!"   Then she
      said,  "Good thing that cows don't fly."

201.  Garth noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by
      the local drug store.  "What size?" asked the cute blonde who
      was behind the register.  When he admitted he wasn't sure of his
      size, the cute blonde led him to a back room, lifted her skirt,
      and told him to enter her pussy.  He was much obliged to do so.
      "Size six," she informed Garth after it grew to it's final length.
      "Now take it out.  How many please?"  Garth bought a dozen and on
      the way down the street, he ran into his friend Steven to whom he
      eagerly related his condom story.  Needless to say, Steven ran
      right down to the drug store to place an order.  "I'm afraid I
      don't know my size," Steven told the salesgirl cashier.  So the
      blonde led him into the back room and repeated the procedure that
      Garth had told him about.  "Size eight sir, now take it out.
      How many, please?"  But Steven continued plugging away until he
      unloaded inside the blonde.  "None, thanks anyway," he told her,
      zipping up his fly and grinning ear to ear.  "Just came in for
      a fitting."

200.  After that service, the pastor decided to take a walk.  He went
      downtown where he made a wrong turn, ending up in the red light
      district.  On the first corner, he saw a blonde hooker dressed
      in a halter and hot pants leaning against a light post.  Seeing
      the fallen woman, the pastor went up and said, "My dear, I have
      spent my nights praying for you."  "No need to do that, Pastor,"
      the blonde said. "I'm here every night.  You can have me any
      time you want."

199.  When her two loving cats died, the blonde was very sad.  So that
      she would have something to remember by, she took her dead cats
      to a taxidermist and asked him to stuff both cats.  "No problem,"
      said the taxidermist.  "Would you like them mounted?"  The blonde
      thought about this for a minute and replied, "No, just leave
      them standing side by side..."

198.  A blonde went on a space mission with a monkey.  The monkey had
      to push the buttons, adjust dial readings and file reports.  What
      was the blonde's job?
           The blonde's job was to feed the monkey and satisfy it's needs.

197.  On the evening of their first date they are sitting on the porch
      while the sun is setting.  "Mike," says the young eleven year old
      blonde, "now that we're going steady, will you finally tell me what
      a penis is?"   Mike almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
      So, since his parents weren't home, he led the young blonde into
      his room and took his pants off.  He dropped his underwear, exposing
      his rock hard penis, pointing at it he said, "This, is a penis."
      The little blonde exclaimed, "Oh, it's the same thing as a cock,
      only it's miniature."

196.  On the way back from a ski trip, the bus went over an embankment
      and four women - three brunettes and one blonde - were instantly
      killed.  They materialized shortly thereafter at the Pearly Gates
      of Heaven, where St. Peter asked the first brunette whether she
      had performed any unclean acts during her time on earth.  Blushing,
      she confessed to having kissed a boy.  "Wash your lips in the holy
      water," commanded St. Peter, "and proceed into Heaven.  And you
      miss, have you sinned during your time on earth?" he said looking
      at the next brunette.  The second brunette blushed deeply and
      stammered, "St. Peter, I once touched a man's penis."  "Go wash
      your hands in the holy water and you shall be cleansed and admitted
      into Heaven."  He turned around expectantly, only to be startled
      by the sight of the other two women fighting for position of who
      is next in line.  "Ladies, ladies!" he bellowed out.  "What in
      Heaven's name is going on here?"  "It's like this, St. Peter,"
      replied the panting third brunette.  "I was last in line, but
      don't you think I should be allowed to gargle in the holy water
      before that blonde bitch has to sit in it?"

195.  The new stewardess was called to the office of the head of the
      training program for a severe reprimand.  "I heard about what
      happened on your first flight, Miss Davis," she said sternly,
      looking at the voluptuous blonde over the top of her glasses.
      "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, you push his
      head down between his own legs, not YOURS!"

194.  Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over
      a hundred miles an hour in their hot sports car.  "Hey," asked
      the brunette who was driving while checking herself out in
      the mirror, "see any cops around?"  Her blonde friend turns
      around, takes a long look, and says, "As a matter of fact, I do."
      "FUCK!" cursed the brunette.  "Are his flashers on?"  The blonde
      turns around again, takes a long look, and says, "Yup . . .
      nope . . . yup . . . nope . . . yup . . ."

193.  The beautiful blonde was complaining to her best friend about
      the way men just took her for granted that she'd go to bed
      with them.  "I went over to this guy's pad last night, and
      he just assumed I was going to spend the night," she recalled.
      "I was so insulted, I put my clothes back on after our romp
      in the bed and left."

192.  Betty went to the dentist for the first time in years, so she
      was prepared for bad news.  Nevertheless, she was a little put
      out when, when after some probing time, the dentist said, "Jesus,
      Your gums are in terrible shape!  All red and swollen . . . looks
      like I might have to do some major drilling in your cavity just
      like I had to on your last visit."  Betty sighed, "If it's that
      bad, then go ahead with your drilling.  Just hurry up and get your
      face out of my crotch, you're breath is tickling me."

191.  The young blonde came running downstairs, crying.  Her mother asked
      what was wrong?  "Men," says the youngster.  Her mother (a blonde)
      nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees
      and the blonde said:  "No Ma.  I can fuck and suck with the best of
      them.  But he says I can't cook."

190.  The blonde private had joined the Army Airborne with dreams of
      parachuting, but now that the moment had come for her first jump,
      she was scared to death.  The instructor reassured her that all
      she had to do was count to ten and pull the cord.  "Relax, even
      if your chute malfunctions, the reserve will work.  And our
      truck will be there to pick you up at the drop site afterwards."
      With those comforting words, the instructor gave Michelle a
      shove out the plane's door, and instantly Michelle found herself
      plummeting toward the earth at blazing speeds.  After the initial
      few seconds of pure terror, the blonde private began counting,
      and pulled the ripcord right after reaching ten.  Nothing at all
      happened.  "Shit!"  Trying to say calm, Michelle pulls the
      reserve chute's ripcord.  Again, nothing happened.  "Aw Fuck!"
      she muttered as the ground rushed towards her quickly.  "I'll
      bet the truck isn't down there either."

189.  Lee was touching up the paint job he was doing in the bathroom
      one weekend when the brush slipped out of his hand, leaving a
      fresh paint stripe across the toilet seat.  So Lee decided to
      paint the entire toilet seat to cover his boo boo, and went off
      to a softball game.  His wife happened to get home early, went
      into the bathroom to pee, plopped on the seat only to find herself
      firmly stuck to the seat.  When Lee got home from the game, he
      found her there, furious and frustrated, but he couldn't dislodge
      her for fear of tearing her skin.  With considerable effort, Lee
      managed to get the pins out of the toilet seat, got her free, but
      still the toilet seat was stuck on her ass.  He got her into the
      backseat of the car, went to the doctors, got her in a wheelchair,
      where she was wheeled into a room, and then put onto the examination
      table on her hands and knees.  At this point the doctor came in,
      and surveyed the scene before him.  "What do you think Doc?" the
      nervous husband asked.  "Nice, very nice indeed," the doctor said
      while moving in for a closer look.  "It's obvious your wife is a
      natural blonde," he continued while nodding his head in approval.
      "But why the shitty frame?"

188.  During a commercial airline flight, the attendant passed out
      gum, telling passengers it would relieve the pressure in their
      ears during the descent.  After landing, it took one blonde
      passenger an hour to get the gum out of her ears.

187.  A blonde replies to an ad for police recruits.  The Captain tells
      her,  "We have an entrance examination for police detectives, you
        have to answer three questions first."
      Blonde:  "OK"
      Captain:  "What is one and one?"
      Blonde:  "11"
      Captain:  "Hmmmm.  Not what we had in mind, but I'll accept
        the answer because police detectives must be good at intuitive
        leaps and non-linear thinking.  OK.  Question 2, How many days
        of the week begin with the letter T, and what are they?"
      Blonde  "2"
      Captain:   "Good, and what are they."
      Blonde:  "Today and tomorrow"
      Captain:  "Well, once again, not exactly what we had in mind,
        but I'll accept that answer for the same reason.  Good, two down.
        Get the next one and you're hired."
      Blonde:  "Fine. Shoot"
      Captain:  "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
      Blonde:  "Huh?  Is Abraham Lincoln dead?"
      Captain:  "Tell you what, it's nearly quitting time.  Go home.
        Come back in on Monday and we'll talk some more."
      So the blonde goes home.  When she gets home her husband asks her,
      Husband:  "Well, did you get the job?"
      Blonde:  "Sure did.  And guess what!"
      Husband:  "What?" .
      Blonde: "First thing they did, they put me on a murder case!
        Somebody killed Mr. Lincoln..."

186.  The little blonde girl was getting chewed out privately by the
      teacher for wetting herself in class.  "Why didn't you put your
      hand up," asked the teacher?   "I did, but even that didn't plug
      it, the pee flowed anyway," responded the little blonde.

185.  The Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes & Computers Don't Mix.
          1. There are too many numbers past 1.
          2. It's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.
          3. Too many broken nails jam the keyboard. (bad typists)
          4. The alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.
          5. When a blonde makes a mistake with a computer there's
             no one to sleep with to forget it ever happened.
          6. The computers refuse to answer when blonde talk to them.
          7. Blondes can't figure out which key starts the food processor.
          8. Their software is incompatible.
          9. Joysticks break too easily, keyboards don't work if they're
             wet, and the screen can't handle that much lipstick.
         10. The mouse won't eat the cheese.

184.  When Susan won the lottery everyone agreed that it couldn't have
      happened to a nicer gal.  They were all tickled to death.  And
      indeed, the first thing the big hearted blonde announced that she
      was going to do with the lottery money was build three swimming
      pools for her all her friends to use.  "Three swimming pools?
      Why three?" asked the news reporter.  "One with cold water that
      will be really breath taking and refreshing, one heated to eighty
      five degrees for my friends who like the water warm, and the other
      one empty," says the charitable blonde.  "Empty?" inquired the
      reporter.  "Yeah, empty," explained Susan.  "Some of my friends
      can't swim."

183.  The wealthy blonde just loved her cat Thistle.  One day she called
      up the vet and insisted he pay her a house call.  "Her tummy is
      getting bigger and bigger," she explained.  "I'm afraid it's a
      tumor, Doctor."  It didn't take long for the vet to confirm that
      little Thistle was knocked up.  "It can't be!" protested the blonde.
      "Why, Thistle has never even seen another cat.  In fact, she only
      leaves the house in her cat luggage carrier when I take her to
      the Kitty Salon for her shampoo.  How could she get pregnant
      when she doesn't even have a boyfriend?"  Just then a big tomcat
      strolled into the living room.  "What about him?" asked the vet.
      "Impossible," she said positively, "That's her brother!"

182.  "Lookit my new watch," said the blonde.  "This here shows what
      time it is now.  And when you push this little button,
      you can see what time it was at this exact time yesterday."

181.  A blonde walks into a bar with duck.
      Bartender:  "You can't come in here with that pig."
      Blonde:     "This ain't a pig silly, it's a duck!"
      Bartender:  "I wasn't talking to YOU, I was talking to the duck!"

180.  Annie, a little blonde, went off to school for her first day and
      came home full of questions.  "Mommy, how did baby Michelle next
      door get born?" she asked.  "The stork brought her, honey," was
      her mother's response, "want to help me bake some cookies?"  "Nah.
      Mommy, so how did the twins down the street in the corner house
      get born?"  "Sweetie, the stork just carried the parents two
      babies at once instead on one."  "Shit!" mumbled the little blonde,
      "doesn't anyone in this neighborhood make babies by fucking?"

179.  A blonde is being interviewed for a job in a whorehouse.  The
      madame asks her, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
      The blonde replies, "No, but I've been swung by the tits a
      few times."

178.  "Now cheer up Bob," said his buddy Sam over a couple of Buds.
      "You and Bertha seem to be doing just dandy.  It seems a little
      silly for you to be jealous of a German Shepherd of all things.
      After all, you work all day and she is stuck at home out in the
      middle of no where without the security of a man.  That dog's
      probably good company for Bertha.  "Good company!" roared Bob,
      nearly spilling his beer.  "Hell, the other day when I was
      headed off for work, I caught that blonde bitch douching with
      Gravy Train!"

177.
               The Blonde Glossary Medical Terms
       ( Stolen from Clinton Health Care Plan Proposal )

      Acute.................... Opposite of an ugly.
      Adnoid................... Domino's Pizza character.
      Advil.................... Used to hammer things on.
      AIDS..................... Helpers or Assistants.
      Anally................... Occurring yearly.
      Anus..................... Latin word for Hillary.
      Aphrodisiac.............. An African disc jockey.
      Artery................... Study of fine paintings.
      Aspirin.................. Having great ambitions.
      Bacteria................. Back door to a cafeteria.
      Barium................... What doctors do when treatment fails.
      Benign................... What you are after you be eight.
      Blood.................... A type of Gang.
      Bowel.................... A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.
      Bruise................... A six-pack.
      Caesarean Section........ A district in Rome.
      Capsule.................. A space ship.
      Catarrh.................. Stringed instrument.
      Catheter................. String instruments.
      Cat Scan................. Searching for kitty.
      Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her.
      Cerebral Palsy........... Hands playing in the Cereal.
      Clitoris................. A type of flower.
      Colic.................... A sheep dog.
      Coma..................... A punctuation mark.
      Condom................... Apartment complex.
      Congenital............... Friendly.
      Concussion............... A prisoner's sofa pillow.
      Constipation............. An important U.S. document.
      D&C...................... Where Washington is.
      Diaphram................. A drawing in geometry.
      Diarrhea................. Journal of daily events.
      Dilate................... To live long.
      Dildo.................... Variety of sweet pickle.
      Douche................... Italian word for "12."
      Enema.................... Not a friend.
      Erection................. When the Japanese vote.
      Feces.................... What Bill Clinton sees in the Mirror.
      Femur.................... Not a Male.
      Fester................... Quicker.
      Fibula................... Small lie.
      Fracture................. A number less than one.
      Genital.................. Non-Jewish.
      G.I. Series.............. Baseball series for soldiers.
      Grippe................... Suit case.
      Hair..................... Rodent with long ears.
      Hangnail................. Coat hook.
      Heart.................... Bow & Arrow target.
      High Colonic............. Jewish religious holiday.
      Hospital................. An unknown person ejecting saliva.
      Immune................... Congressional perk.
      Impotent................. Distinguished; well known.
      Infection................ Russians coming to the U.S.
      Intense pain............. Torture in a teepee.
      Intestines............... Beta version of forks.
      Jaundice................. To include in a group.
      Jaw...................... A shark without as much teeth.
      Joint.................... A location or place.
      Kinesthetics............. A relationship towards relatives.
      Labor Pain............... Getting hurt at work.
      Laceration............... Dainty material allotment.
      Leper.................... A wild cat.
      Lesbian.................. Person from the Middle East.
      Lesion................... A unit of Roman Army.
      Loin..................... Not fat.
      Lymph.................... A special Fairy.
      Lymph Node............... Where special Fairy lives.
      Major Operation.......... A job for the Major.
      Malaria.................. Several shopping Stores.
      Mamogram................. A telegram to Mom.
      Manic Depressive......... A man pressed down to the floor.
      Medical Staff............ Doctor's cane.
      Medicare................. A partial care.
      Meningitis............... Getting a Man.
      Menstrual cycle.......... Bloody vehicle for men.
      Menstruation............. Male Model display.
      Midwife.................. Second wife in three marriages.
      Migraine................. Not your wheat.
      Minor Operation.......... Coal digging.
      Miscarriage.............. Firing a Rifle and missing a target.
      Morbid................... Higher offer.
      Mucus.................... Not quite in focus.
      Nitrate.................. Cheaper than a day rate.
      Node..................... Was aware of.
      Organic.................. Musical.
      Orgasm................... Person who accompanies the church choir.
      Outpatient............... Person who has fainted.
      Ovaries.................. French egg dish made with cheese.
      Papsmear................. Fatherhood test.
      Pelvis................... Cousin of Elvis.
      Peter Pan................ Small wash basin in a whore house.
      Pornography.............. Business of making record albums.
      Post-operative........... Letter carrier.
      Prostate................. Flat on your back.
      Protein.................. In favor of young people.
      Pubic Hair............... Wild rabbit.
      PWA...................... Airline Service.
      Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery.
      Rectum................... Dang near killed him.
      Rheumatic................ Amorous.
      Scalpel.................. What Indians used to do.
      Scrotum.................. Small planet near Uranus.
      Semen.................... A sailor.
      Sex...................... What comes after five.
      Scar..................... Rolled tobacco leaf.
      Secretion................ Hiding something.
      Seizure.................. Roman Emperor.
      Serology................. Study of knighthood.
      Sodomy................... Special kind of fast growing grass.
      Sonogram................. A telegram from your son.
      Smoke.................... What comes after sex.
      Stat..................... Info on baseball cards.
      Stimulant................ Wad of hundred dollar bills.
      Tablet................... A small table.
      Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.
      Testicles................ Sucking sacks found on an octopus.
      Tibia.................... Country in North Africa.
      Tumor.................... More than one.
      Ultrasound............... A loud noise.
      Umbilical Cord........... Part of a parachute.
      Urine.................... Opposite of "You're Out."
      Vagina................... Heart trouble.
      Varicose................. Near by.
      Varicose Veins........... Veins very close to each other.
      Vein..................... Conceited.
      Weak..................... Seven days.
      Zit...................... Dog Command.

   ,^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^,   ,^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^,
   ;  robnykvist@delphi.com  ;   ;   A Laugh is a Smile that Bursts!   ;
   ;                         ;   ;                                     ;
    ^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^     ^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^


176.  A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
      wrong way on a one-way street.
      Cop:      "Do you know where you were going?"
      Blonde:   "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
                 people were leaving."

175.  A blonde was having a sandwich at the corner deli when she was
      approached by a small man dressed in all green.  "Know what?"
      asked the odd little fellow in a confidential voice.  "I'm a
      leprechaun, and I'm feeling extremely generous.  So generous in
      fact, that I'm willing to grant you any three wishes you'd like."
      "No kidding?  Gee, that's fantastic," blurted out the lucky blonde.
      "I sure wish I had a lot of extra cash," she added.  "No problem,"
      said the leprechaun with a gracious wave of his arm.  "The trunk
      of your car is now crammed with one hundred-dollar bills.  What
      wish do you want next?"  "Well, I wish I was in a nicer apartment,"
      said the blonde.  "Consider it done," announced the leprechaun.
      "Here.  Here is the keys to a two thousand-square-foot penthouse
      condominium on Park Avenue," he said while handing her two keys
      off of his key ring.  "And what's your third and final wish?"
      "Well, uh, I sure wish I had a gorgeous well hung boyfriend,"
      the blushing blond softly mumbled.  "He's waiting for you in the
      bedroom of your new condo, built like a god, and hung like a
      horse," said the little leprechaun.  "Wow, this is really great!"
      said the lucky blonde, who got down from her stool and started
      heading toward the door.  "I wish there were some way to thank you."
      "Oh, but there is," spoke up the man in the green clothes.  "Oh?"
      replied the blonde who instantly stopped.  "I'd like a blow job,"
      said the leprechaun.  "A blow job?" asked the blonde who wasn't
      sure she heard right.  "Yes.  After all I've given you, it doesn't
      seem like too much to ask for, does it?"  The blonde had to admit
      that was true, so in a dark corner of the bar she vigorously
      obliged her generous friend to a blow job.  As she was turning
      around to leave afterwards, the little leprechaun man tugged on
      her sleeve.  "Just one question," he asked.  "How old are you?"
      The blonde replies, "twenty-eight."  The little man asks back,
      "And you still believe in leprechauns?"

174.  Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of
      attention to her sexual needs and decided to come on a little
      stronger to him.   After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless
      nightgown backwards and sauntered into the living room.  "Notice
      anything?" the blonde asked slyly.   "Yes, you've got your
      nightgown on backwards," her husband answered back.  "How could
      you tell?" she cooed.  "Because the shit stains are in the front
      right now," he replied.

173.  A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells him that everytime
      she sneezes, she has an orgasm.  The doctor says, "No kidding.
      What are you taking to control the sneezing?"  The blonde
      replies, "Pepper!"

172.  Sam couldn't wait to get the beautiful blonde bitch to go to
      bed with him.  It wasn't long before they were going at it
      hot and heavy.  He could not help noticing that with each
      thrust his partner's toes would curl up.  A while later they
      decided to take a shower and ended up screwing again in the
      shower.  This time her toes stayed flat.  Puzzled, he whispered
      in her ear, "How come when we do it in your bed your toes
      curl up, and when we do it in the shower they don't?"   "You
      silly goose," the blonde replied giggled.  "It's because I took
      my pantyhose off before I showered!"

171.  The little seven year old blonde barges into the bathroom where
      her father is about to take a shower.  "Wow Daddy, look at that!"
      she said pointing at his genitalia.   "Oh, err, it's a ... hedgehog!"
      he embarrassingly replied.  "Hedgehog?  Call it what you want, but
      it sure looks like a nice sized dick to me!" she snapped back.

170.  Two blondes were talking and one said to the other, "A dog bit my
      leg."  The other said, "Did you put anything on it?"  The first
      replied, "No, he liked it plain."

169.  The boss says to his new sexy blonde secretary, "I covered a lot
      of things yesterday, are you ready to use my dictaphone?"  The
      new blonde employee says, "No thanks!  I'll use my finger to
      phone just like everyone else."

168.  "I think my new gynecologist is a crackpot," confessed the blonde
      to her girlfriend.  "I went to see him about my yeast infection and
      he told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.  "You never know,"
      commented her girlfriend.  "Carrots are suppose to be good for you.
      How did the carrot juice taste?"   "I dunno," the blonde replied back,
      "I only managed to drink about a gallon of bathwater before it
      went cold and I sure didn't have room left to drink carrot juice!"

167.  This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the
      blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your
      finger out, I'll sink?"

166.  The cultured gentleman in his divorce proceedings, steps up to
      judges bench, and deposits a coffee machine on the evidence
      table.  "What's this," asked the judge.  "It's the grounds for
      divorce," replied the gentleman.  "That blonde bitch I married
      just can't make a pot of coffee."

165.  "I know a blonde that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
      goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
      "Hey, that's great."  "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll
      be five years old."

164.  The new blonde computer operator came to her boss and said
      she had a problem.  He asked her what was happening.  She said,
      "well I was using the computer ok all morning.  But just now
      it stopped and said, 'press any key' and I can't fine the key
      labeled ANY."

163.  A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
      She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
      The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

162.  Melissa had dreamed of being a teacher all her life, and sure
      enough, after years of work, one day she faced her own class
      of fifth graders.  The beautiful sweet blonde thing decided to
      start out with a vocabulary quiz, and instructed her class to
      think of a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence.  "Yes,
      Bambi?" she said, seeing a freckle-faced kid in the front row
      with her hand up in the air.  "Beautiful," said Bambi, "My
      teacher is absolutely beautiful."   "Why, thank you Bambi,"
      responded Melissa with a warm smile.  "Someone else?  How about
      you Anne?"  "Wonderful.  Miss Melissa is a wonderful teacher."
      Melissa nodded graciously, "Thank you Anne.  Yes, go ahead Ted."
      The boy said with a grin, "Urinate."  "Teddy!!"  The teacher
      was shocked.  He continued on, "Urinate, but if your tits were
      a bit bigger, you'd be a ten!"

161.  The blonde had always loved to travel.  She wanted to see Australia
      so she saved up her money and went off on a two-week tour.  She
      had been there only three days when she fell head over heels in love
      with a kangaroo.  She disregarded the advice of her tour guide and
      traveling companions and got a drunk priest to perform a wedding
      ceremony, afterwards bringing her new husband back to her home in
      America.  In the course of her new love, the relationship was not
      without problems, and soon she sought out a marriage counselor.
      "Frankly, in your case, it's not hard to put my finger on the heart
      of the problem," said the counselor immediately.  "Besides the
      obvious cultural differences between you and your ...ahem... husband,
      it's clearly going to be impossible for you to establish genuine
      lines of communication with a KANGAROO!"  "Oh, that's not the
      problem at all," broke in the blonde.  "My husband and I communicate
      perfectly - except...in bed.  All he does in bed is hop on, hop
      off, hop on, hop off..."

160.  The divorce was a real nasty one, as the woman was suing on the
      grounds that her husband had completely failed to satisfy her.
      "Well, Your Honor," the blonde bitch informed the court in a
      whisper, "His weenie was so teeny, I'm talking real teeny, that
      it wasn't even worth the effort."  The sympathetic judge awarded
      her a substantial cash settlement, and on her way out of the court
      room, she walked past her ex-husband, "So long, sucker," she
      whispered to him.  Beside himself with rage and fury, he stuck
      a finger in each corner of his mouth, stretched his lips as wide
      as possible, and hollered out, "So long you chasm bitch."

159.  An old blonde lady goes to a gigolo.  He says, "Well, I charge
      $5 for the floor,  $10 for the table, and $20 for the bed."  The
      blonde goes away & comes back later and hands the gigolo $20.
      "OK, get on the bed."   "No," the horny old blonde lady said,
      "Give me four on the floor!"

158.  Three women - a German, a Jew and a Blonde - all gave birth to
      seven-pound baby boys at the same time.  The nurses got the babies
      mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which
      mother.  After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German
      baby decided he'd settle the problem.  He walked into the nursery
      and lined up the three infants in a row.  He clicked his heels,
      raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!"  The German baby snapped
      to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the blonde baby played
      with the shit.

157.  The blonde had shot her abusive husband and she felt a wave of
      panic come over her as she looked at the sophisticated well dressed
      jury filling up the jury seats.  Positive she'd never beat the
      murder rap, she managed to get a hold of one of the jurors and
      bribed him with sexual promises if he'd help get the jurors to
      find her just guilty manslaughter instead of premeditated murder.
      Sure enough, at the close of the trial, the jury declared her
      guilty of manslaughter.  Tears of gratitude rolled down her eyes.
      She snuck in a quick moment with the juror she bribed before being
      led off to prison.  "Thank you, thank you and thank you!  How'd
      you do it?"  "It sure wasn't easy and it took a lot arm twisting,"
      said the blond Juror that she had bribed, "They all wanted to
      drop the charge against you, but I got them to finally agree on
      the manslaughter charge like you wanted."

156.  There once was a blonde who came into the store and bought a box of
      moth balls.  She came back the next day and bought 6 more boxes.
      "Say," asked the clerk, "Didn't you buy a box yesterday?"  "Yeah,"
      she says, "But damn, sure is tough to hit'em with these little balls!"

155.  The blonde decided her boyfriend definitely needed some deodorant.
      She consulted the pharmacist and he asked her what type her boyfriend
      might prefer.  "How about the ball type?" he asked.   "Oh, no," she
      quickly responded, "it is for under his arms."

154.  Two little blonde girls were walking down the street to school,
      and one said to the other, "Hey, know what I found on the patio
      the other day?  A contraceptive!"  "Yeah, you really found a
      rubber?  Um, what's a patio?"

153.  The blonde was complaining about her date to her girlfriend.
      "The creep called me a slut," the blonde huffed.
      "That's awful!" her friend exclaimed.  "What did you do?"
      "I told him to put his clothes on, get out of my bedroom,"
      Tracy replied, "and take his friends with him."

152.  Hubby:   "As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then
           we could do without the ironing lady."
      Blonde Wife:  "Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could
           do without the gardener."

151.  A young country girl came to town for a day.  She was window
      shopping when a beautiful pair of red shining shoes caught
      her attention.  As she stood admiring them, the clerk came out,
      eyed her long blonde hair and curvy body, and asked if he could
      be of some assistance.  The girl admitted that she has spent all
      her money but that she'd do anything to get her hands on those
      red shoes.  The clerk thought it over for a moment.  "I think we
      can work out a deal," her told her.  "Go sit down on the couch
      in the back room."  Soon he came in and closed the door.  "So
      do you want those shoes bad enough to put out for them?" he asked
      the blonde.  When she nodded yes, he pulled down his pants,
      exposing a raging hard-on about ten inches long.  "Honey, I'll
      fuck you with this big cock until you squirm with pleasure and
      scream in ecstasy and go wild with desire."  "Great!" replied
      the blonde, fondling the shoes.  She spread her legs and lay back
      cheerfully.  Sure she couldn't last long, the salesman thought as
      he started pumping away, but she lay there like a limp noodle.
      Pretty soon he'd come twice and begun to worry about getting soft,
      so he started going at it for all he was worth.  Sure enough he
      felt her arms go around his neck and her legs tighten around his
      waist.  "Best fuck you've ever had, right?" asked the salesman.
      "I bet you're about to cum like crazy," he added.   "Oh, no silly,
      all I'm doing right now is trying on my new red shoes," said
      the blonde.

150.  The sophisticated blonde spent most of the summer with the
      company of a trendy painter named Saulk.  When summer was over
      and school was about to start, Saulk had a gala art showing,
      which the blonde took her parents to.  The walls of the gallery
      were covered with huge paintings of mostly nudes.  Upon closer
      scrutiny, the blonde's mother lost no time in ascertaining the
      nude paintings distinct resemblance to her daughter.  Steering
      her aside into a quiet corner, she hissed, "Beth, these paintings
      look just like you.  Don't tell me you stooped as low as to pose
      in the nude."  "Of course not, mother!" protested the blonde
      blushingly.  "I do have some standards, Saulk must have painted
      them from memory."

149.  "This is a little embarrassing honey," said the hungover husband
      the morning after a wild party.  "I'm afraid to ask, but, uhhh,
      was it you I made love to last night out on the patio?"  "Hmmm,"
      the blonde moaned.  She looked up and asked, "Tell me about what
      time it was when you were fucking and I'll know."

148.  This couple fell on really hard times, both losing their jobs.
      They decided the only way to keep the family afloat for the
      time being was for his cute blonde wife to go out and sell
      herself.  On her first night out, she didn't return until
      the late hours of the morning, disheveled and exhausted.  Watching
      her plop onto the sofa like a limp noodle, her husband said
      sympathetically, "You look like you've really had a rough
      night honey, we don't need the money this bad."  "I did have
      a rough night, but it's OK," she moaned.  "Well, did you at least
      make a lot of money for all your suffering?" he asked his wife.
      His wife managed a proud smile, "Thirty five dollars and
      twenty-five cents," she said handing over the money.  "Twenty-
      five cents!" roared the husband in disbelief.  "Who was the cheap
      bastard who gave you gave you a quarter?"  "Why," said the
      stunned blonde, "all of them."

147.  A shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was
      considerably more experienced with women.  When the shy fellow
      explained his problem about being a virgin, his roommate was
      quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who was making the
      rounds on campus with all the fellows.  "Just take this bimbo
      out to dinner, then a show, and let nature take it's course,"
      his roommate assured him.  "This bitch knows what a man wants
      and she's even a natural blonde."  The roommate arranged the
      date as promised.  The shy freshman was delighted by his cute,
      outgoing sexy companion, and they spent the evening dining and
      dancing.  On the way home he parked his car in a dark path into
      the woods, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh,
      I sure would love to have a little pussy."  "I would too," sighed
      the blonde.

146.  The blonde walks into a hardware store, finds some hinges she
      needs, and lays them down on the counter.  "Need a screw for those
      hinges?" asks the male clerk.  "No," the blonde answers, then after
      thinking a bit says, "but how about a quick blow job if you help
      me install them."

145.  A blonde called up to the pharmacist and ask what she can do about
      her boyfriend's dandruff.  The pharmacist recommended giving him
      Head & Shoulders.  The blonde responds, "I give him Head every
      day, but how do you give someone Shoulders?"

144.  Larry came into his wife's room one day.  "If I were, say,
      disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked his sexy blonde
      wife.  "Darling, I'll always love you," she replied calmly while
      working on her fingernails.  "How about if I became impotent and
      couldn't make love to you anymore?" he asked her anxiously.
      "Don't worry about it darling, I'll always love you," she said
      while intently buffing her nails.  "Well, how about if I lost my
      job as vice-president?"  Larry continued on, "If I weren't
      pulling in those six figures anymore, would you still love me
      then?"   His wife instantly stopped manicuring her nails, and looked
      up into her husband's worried face.  "Larry, I'll always love you,"
      she reassured him, "but if that's the case, I'll really miss you."

143.  "Hi Fred, the usual?"  Fred nodded yes and the bartender poured
      a draft taking it over to his friend adding, "What's new?"  "Oh,
      nothing much," replied Fred.  "Cindy died though, remember her -
      that floozy blonde widow who lived down the street?"  "Yeah, I
      do," replied the bartender.  "Well, at least they'll finally be
      together," added Fred thoughtfully.  "That's a nice thought Fred,"
      said the bartender, "husband and wife reunited."  "No, no," said
      Fred abruptly.  "I meant her legs."

142.  A big fat ugly blonde walked into a bar with a parrot on her
      shoulder and shouted, "Whoever can guess the weight of my parrot
      can fuck me."  From the back of the bar a drunk heckler hollers
      out, "How about one thousand pounds!"  "Close enough for me,"
      the blonde responded cheerfully while heading in his direction.

141.  Rocking with her company on the front porch, the ninety year old
      blonde proudly said, "I've got my health, my heart pumps strong as
      ever, still have sex every day, my liver is good and my mind, knock
      knock on wood (she knocks on the wall) . . ."Who's there?"

140.  "Excuse me sir, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde
      to a man standing on the street corner.  "Sure thing," he says
      while pulling back his sleeve to expose his watch.  "It's
      ten minutes after three," he added with a wink.  "Thanks!"
      she said, with a puzzled look.  "Something wrong?" he inquired
      noticing her odd look.  "You know, it's the weirdest thing,
      I've been asking that same question all day and keep getting
      different answers."

139.  Two blonde friends ran into each other one Friday night.  "Guess
      what?" asked Maggie with a smirk.  "One of my boyfriends brought
      me a dozen roses.  Now I'm going to spend all weekend with my
      legs in the air."  "Gee, Maggie, how come?" wondered Sharon.
      "Don't you have a vase to put them in?"

138.  Judge Harcourt was considered very cold-blooded, but even he
      was moved by the aging blonde's tale of hardships and woe.  Before
      handing down a stiff sentence, he ordered a recess, and was mulling
      over the case on his way to his chambers, when he ran into a
      colleague.  "Say," he asked, "what would you give a down-and-out
      fifty-seven-year old blonde hooker?   "Ten bucks, Max!" replied
      the other judge.

137.  A redhead, brunette and a blonde all died on the same day, and
      went up to the Gates of Heaven, where they were instructed to
      shed their clothing.  "No clothes are needed in Heaven," said
      St. Peter.  Upon looking at the brunette, St. Peter said, "Now,
      why is it that you have an "T" on your chest?"  Blushing a good
      bit, the brunette explained, "Because whenever my husband made
      love to me, he wore his University of Texas letter sweatshirt."
      "And why is there a big "A" on your chest?" St. Peter asked the
      redhead.  "My husband always wore his University of Alabama
      letter sweater when we made love," the redhead explained.  "And
      you?  Let me guess," said St. Peter, turning to the blonde woman
      while noticing the letter "M" on her bare chest.  "Everytime
      your husband made love to you, he must have wore his Michigan
      sweatshirt, right?"  "No, silly!" laughed the blonde.  "My
      husband lettered at the University of Wisconsin."

136.  How does the blonde show the milkman, the mailman and
      the meter reader that she really loves her husband?
           When her husband stays home, she hollers out to the mailman,
           milkman and meter reader, "My Husband's Home!" as they knock
           on the door.

135.  The horny blonde bitch confessed her embarrassing situation:
      she had gotten her vibrator stuck deep down inside her.
      "Don't worry, we'll have it out in no time," the gynecologist
      reassured her.  "NO, NO!  No need to remove it," whimpered the
      blonde.  "Well, why on earth are you here?" ask the puzzled Doc.
      "Can you please change the batteries?"

134.  Then there was the stupid blonde whose teacher told her to write
      a hundred-word essay on what she did during her summer vacation.
      She wrote "Suck, and fuck," fifty times.

133.  Beth and Susan were hanging out their laundry in their backyards
      when the talk came around to why Heather's laundry never got
      rained on.  So when their beautiful blonde neighbor came out with
      her laundry basket, Susan asked Heather how come she always seemed
      to know in advance whether or not it was going to rain.  "Your
      laundry's never hanging out on days it storms," she commented to
      the blonde.  Heather leaned over her fence and winked at the two
      homely brunettes.  "When I wake up in the morning I look over at
      my husband," she started to explain.  "If his cock is hanging over
      his right leg, I know it's going to be fair weather and I go do
      my laundry right away.  On the other hand, if it's hanging over his
      left leg, for sure it will rain, so if I have to do laundry I'll
      hang it up inside instead."  "Well, smarty-pants," said Beth,
      "what's the forecast if your husband has a hard-on when you wake
      up and it ain't touching either leg?"  "Honey," winking again,
      the blonde continues, "on a day starting out like that, I never
      get around to doing the laundry!"

132.  Coming into the bar, Sam quickly picked out a beautiful blonde,
      sat down next to her, and pulled a frog out of his pocket.
      Flashing her his winning smile, Sam informed the blonde that
      his frog was a very special frog.  "His name is Ralph."  "Oh
      wow!  Really?" said the stupid blonde, flashing her big smile
      back to Sam.  "What's so special about Ralph?"   Blushing a
      bit, Sam confessed he was embarrassed to tell her.  But the
      blonde girl was very curious, so finally he whispered to her,
      "This frog can eat pussy."  The girl slapped him so hard he
      fell off his barstool, while cussing him out.  "Shit dude,
      I'm not one of those dumb blondes who falls for any silly line
      she hears."   But Sam kept assuring her that it was no lie.
      In fact, it wasn't even an exaggeration.  And after much
      discussion and quite a few Brandys, the luscious blonde agreed
      to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.  After
      the blonde shed her clothes and spread her lovely legs, Joe
      positioned the frog appropriately between her legs, and
      commanded, "OK Ralph, do your stuff!"  Despite the encouragement
      from it's owner, the frog remained completely still, showing
      no interest in the delightful prospect before him.  "Do it
      Ralph, DO IT!"  Finally Sam sighed deeply, picked up the
      frog, and said, "Ralph . . . I'm only going to show you this
      one more time . . ."

131.  "Doctor Smith completely cured my hemorrhoids," Lisa informed
      the other girls in the office.  "How'd he do it?" asked one of
      the girls.  "First he had me disrobe, then bend over of course,
      putting some sort of ointment around my hemorrhoids.  Then he
      put one hand on my shoulder and using the other hand he used his
      fingers to pack..." Lisa's face got a puzzled look as she stopped
      abruptly in her story.  Concentrating, she went on, "yeah, that's
      it,  Dr. Smith put his right hand on my shoulder and stuck his
      left up . . ."  Lisa turned a pale white, "Wait a minute!" she
      gasped in surprise.  "He had both his hands on my shoulders...!"

130.  A young pastor married a pretty blonde who'd been around with
      quite a few guys while he himself had little sexual experience.
      On their wedding night, the pastor stepped into the bathroom
      to put on his pajamas, and when he came out he was shocked to
      find his new blonde wife lying nude on the bed.  Shocked, he
      blurted out, "I thought I would find you on your knees by the
      side of the bed."   "Nah," replied the blonde, "that position
      always gives me the hiccups."

129.  The boss suggested to his new blonde employee for her to go down
      on him - "you know," he says to her, "68."  "Oh, what's 68?"
      she inquires back.  "68 is one short of 69.  68 - you go down
      on me, and I'll owe you one," he answers commandingly.

128.  A sexy blonde came up to the business looking man sitting alone
      at the expensive bar and boldly said, "I cost three hundred
      dollars, and I'm well worth!"  "Is that so?" asked the business
      man looking her over, "three hundred bucks is a lot of money."
      Snuggling up so that he could smell her perfume and leaning over
      so she could entice him with her superb cleavage, the blonde
      proceeded to elaborate upon the skills of her trade.  "I'll make
      love to you like you've never been made love to before," she
      promised with a sexy whisper.  "In fact, tell me any three words-
      picture your wildest fantasy - and I'll make it happen."  "Any
      three words, for three hundred dollars?" he asked in a keen
      interest.  "That's right baby," confirmed the blonde, blowing
      him a little kiss.  "We've got a deal," cried out the new client
      happily.  As she sat up in his lap, he pulled her long blonde
      hair away from her ear and whispered, "Paint my house."

127.  Blonde working on a crossword puzzle:  "What's a four-letter
      word ending in "it" for something that lies on the bottom of
      a bird cage?"
      Brunette:  "Grit."
      Blonde:  "Do you have an eraser that I can borrow?"

126.  A wealthy stockbroker married a beautiful blonde and had
      everything money could buy, until he gambled on a few bad tips
      and lost all his assets.  He came home with a heavy heart that
      night and said to his blonde wife, "You better learn to cook
      Beth, so we can fire the chef."   His blonde wife thought it
      over for a moment and replied back, "Well, OK, but you better
      learn to screw, so we can fire the chauffeur too."

125.  There was a discussion going on at a party about who physically
      enjoys sex more, a man or a woman.  The blonde finally got her
      chance to talk.  She said, "When the inside of your nose itches,
      and you put your little finger in and wiggle it around and finally
      take it out, what feels better, your finger or the inside of your
      nose?"

124.  "Ya gotta help me Doc," said the blonde to the podiatrist.  "My
      feet are hurting me all the time."  The doctor asked her to walk
      down the hall and back while he observed, and when she sat back
      down he pointed out that she was extremely bowlegged and needed
      to lose about 50 pounds.  "Do you know if this is a congenital
      problem?"  "Oh no, it's my feet that are bothering me, not my
      genitals," the blonde quickly replied back, with a giggle.
      "Though I've been screwing a lot lately doggy style."  "Well,
      I'd recommend you try another sexual position for a while," said
      the doctor slightly embarrassed.  "NO way!," the blonde boldly
      blared back.  "That's the only way my Doberman will take me."

123.  After his first date with a young a blonde, the guy walking her home
      commented, "You know, you're the third blonde girl I've walked home
      that's pregnant."  "Why, I'm not pregnant," she exclaimed.  The guy
      replied, "You aren't home yet, either."

122.  A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
      Brunette:  "Last night I had three orgasms in a row!"
      Blonde:    "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."
      Brunette:  "My god! I had no idea he was that good."
      Blonde:    (looking shocked) "Oh, you mean with one guy."

121.  Sam was desperate to get Beth to marry him, but right after
      wedding, his romance cooled off, and pretty soon the little
      blonde was feeling awfully neglected.  When she confided this
      to her next-door neighbor, the woman suggested that she start
      ordering her milk from the milkman.  "He's a handsome young
      guy, and I bet he won't mind settling the bill with some sex."
      Beth took her neighbor's advice, and sure enough, when the
      milkman presented his bill he was delighted to settle for a
      long and energetic screw.  Pulling his pants back on, he
      reached for the bill and marked on it, "PAID."   "No way!"
      cried the blonde, grabbing the bill back.  "You brought me
      this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I aim to
      pay for it."

120.  A blonde was driving to the West Coast, and on the way she saw
      a sign reading "Clean Restrooms Ahead"...  By the time she
      reached the West Coast, she'd cleaned 58 Restrooms!

119.  When the blonde's husband called her on the phone and said,
      "Honey, I'm thinking about the last time we made love;  I'm
      all excited,"  How did the blonde respond?
           The blonde said, "Who is this?"

118.  Two blondes were tanning themselves in the backyard one day.  When
      Cindy got up to get a drink, her friend Margret noticed she was
      walking funny, feet set wide apart, she was taking short steps.
      "Why are you walking so funny?" asked Margret, "is something
      wrong?"  "Not at all," replied Cindy.  "I've got a big date
      tonight, so my hair is in curlers right now."

117.  Depressed because she was fat and old and unable to find a man, the
      poor old blonde widow decided to end it all by shooting herself in
      the heart.   To make sure she did it right, she called her doctor
      and asked exactly where her heart was.  He told her it was directly
      beneath her left breast.   Hanging up the phone, the fat old blonde
      woman picked up the gun and promptly shot herself in the left knee.

116.  A glamorous blonde was asked by the bank teller to identify
      herself before he would cash her check.  She rummaged in her
      handbag, found a mirror, looked at herself in it, and says,
      "Oh yes.  That's me all right..."

115.  An old farmer and his previously blonde wife were sitting on their
      porch after celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.  At
      long last the wife, her golden blonde hair long since turned to
      silver, broke the peaceful silence with a question.  "Have you
      ever been unfaithful to me?" she asked her husband.  "Once, dear,
      just once," shivered her husband, "And you?"  "Just a minute,"
      she said and disappeared into the house, returning with a shoe
      box containing six kernels of corn and ten thousand dollars
      in cash.  Her husband stood in awe.  "What in the hell does
      this mean?"  "Every time I'm unfaithful to you, I put a kernel
      of corn in the box," she explained.  "Well, where did you get all
      the money?"  His wife said, "Every time I got a bushel of corn,
      I sold it."

114.  The Captain and his blonde research associate went up in the
      Space Shuttle on a mission to repair a satellite.  While he
      walked in space to fix the satellite, the blonde was left in
      charge on the Shuttle.  After finishing his repairs, the captain
      returned to the Shuttle, and knocked on the door to be let back
      into their space vehicle.  Upon here the knocks, the blonde perked
      up, turned on her microphone, and said, "Who's there?"

113.  Did you hear about the two blondes walking on the railroad track
      together?  One said, "Boy, these are long stairs," and the other
      blonde replied, "Yeah, and they sure do have a low handrail too!"

112.  Scene:  A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are sitting in a bar.
           Redhead:    "I'll have a W.W., please."
           Bartender:  "One white wine coming right up."
           Brunette:   "I'll have an R.W., please."
           Bartender:  "One red wine coming right up."
           Blonde:     "I'll have a Fifteen, please."
           Bartender:  "Fifteen, what kind of drink is that?"
           Blonde:     "You know.....a Seven and Seven"

111.  The horny blonde goes into the supermarket and gets all hot
      and bothered after eyeing the carrots and cucumbers.  By the
      time she gets to the checkout line, she can barely hold on.
      So she asks one of the blond supermarket bag boys to carry
      her groceries out to her car for her.  They are halfway across
      the parking lot when the blonde slips her hand down in his
      pants and whispers, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy."
      "Sorry lady," says the blond bagger, "I can't tell one foreign
      car from another, you'll have to lead me to it."

110.  Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.  One of
      them decides to call 911:
       Blonde:   "We need help.  We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
       Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a new bulb?"
       Blonde:   "Yes."
       Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
       Blonde:   "Of course."
       Operator: "And the switch is on?"
       Blonde:   "Yes, yes, do you think we are stupid?"
       Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
                 "Then what's the problem?"
       Blonde:   "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and around!"

109.  "Mommy, what are those dogs doing over there?" asked little
      Melissa, hearing and catching sight of one dog stuck on top
      of another in the vacant lot next door.  "Uh . . . one dog is
      hurt and it looks like the other one is helping her out, honey,"
      explained the embarrassed mother.  "What a fuckin' bitch!" the
      little girl blurted out, "Just when you're down and out, someone
      comes along and gives it to you up the ass."

108.  Three blondes went on vacation together, and to save money, they
      shared the same hotel room.  Three women in a double bed didn't
      make for very comfortable sleeping conditions.  Sleeping quarters
      were very cramped, so Debbie gave up her corner on the crowded
      bed and moved onto the spacious carpet.  She was just about to
      fall asleep when her girl friend shook her by the shoulder.  "You
      might as well get back in bed Debbie - look!  There is lots of
      room on the bed now."

107.  While walking to the drug store one afternoon, the aging blonde
      was confronted by a determined thief.  "I'm telling you the truth,
      I don't have any money," pleaded the blonde.  The mugger wouldn't
      believe her though and after emptying her purse, he started to
      feel around her bra for a possible stash of money.  "Young man,"
      she said as the mugger continued searching her breasts, "I told
      you I don't have any money - but if you keep this up, I'll be
      happy to write you a check!"

106.  The businessman decided to stop at a small town hotel after driving
      all day.  He figured to take advantage of his few free hours by
      writing a few business letters.  "Do you keep stationary?" he asked
      the blonde behind the front desk.  "Yeah," she answered, and quickly
      added, "but not for long, especially after someone touches my clit.
      Then I fuck like crazy."

105.  Two beautiful Swedish blondes were touring the United States,
      beginning in New York City.  Spotting a hot-dog vendor in
      the street, Olga wondered outloud to her friend, "Do they
      really eat dogs in America?"  Her companion shrugged her
      shoulders saying, "I don't know."   "Well, we might as well
      get used to the American Food here," said Olga, so they each
      bought a hot dog and sat down on a nearby park bench.  After
      unwrapping the wax paper, Bridget inspected her lunch, turned
      to Olga and asked, "What part of the dog did you get?"

104.  A blonde married into a Native American Indian tribe.  When their
      first child was born, at the instant of birth, the father was looking
      at his blonde wife.  He decided to name the baby Sitting Dumb.

103.  A very experienced blonde changed gynecologists, and was rather
      embarrassed when the doctor took a look and commented, "Why,
      this is the biggest damn pussy I've ever seen - why, this is
      the biggest damn pussy I've ever seen."  "You didn't have to
      say it twice," she said sniffling.  "I didn't," replied the
      gynecologist sincerely.

102.  Billy and Sandy grew up next door to each other, both always trying
      to one-up the other.  One day, Sandy was whizzing down the sidewalk
      on her new tricycle.  "Nyaah, nyaah," she taunted Billy, tossing
      her long blonde hair over her shoulder, "look what I've got!"  "So,"
      barked back Billy.  "I've got something you'll never have - look!"
      With that, he pulled down his pants and showed her his little prick."
      Stumped, realizing she had been outdone, Sandy ran home into her
      Mother's arms, sobbing.  Her mother picked her up, trying to comfort
      her, while getting the whole story out.  After hearing it, her mommy
      whispered something into her ear while grinning.  Next day Billy
      spotted Cindy in the backyard and rubbed it in.  "I've got one of
      these and you don't!" he teased while pulling his pants down again.
      "Big deal," said the little blonde confidently, pulling up her skirt,
      and her underpants down.  "See this?  My mommy says that with this,"
      she said pointing to her hairless slit, "I can have as many of those
      as I want!" she said pointing at his little prick.

101.  The young man and his new girlfriend were fooling around when
      the blonde asked, "Hey babe, could you take your ring off?
      It's hurting my clit."  "Ring?  Heh heh heh!" he snorted.
      "That's my wrist watch you're feeling."

100.  A blonde woman walks into a local bar for the first time.  The
      bartender asks the woman what she would like to have.  The woman
      explains that she has never been in a bar before, and she wants
      to know what is a good drink to start out with?  The bartender
      pours her a cold glass of Budweiser beer.  The woman instantly
      falls in love with the beer and proceeds to have several more.
      She then passes out on her bar stool.  The bartender then carries
      the blonde fool to the back room and rapes her and then he puts
      her back on her stool as if nothing had happened.  This goes on
      for a few nights.  On the forth day when she walks into the bar
      the bartender offers her a Bud she says, "No! I want to try
      something else tonight!  "Sure thing," said the bartender, "but
      how come you're switching brands?"   That Budweiser is making my
      pussy hurt!" she explained.

 99.  The married real-estate tycoon was delighted when he got his new
      sexy blonde receptionist and proceeded to turn on all of his charms
      to win her over.  Within a few weeks, however, he noticed her
      habit of coming in tardy, much to his displeasure of course.
      "Listen baby," he said abruptly one morning, "we may have gone
      to bed together a few times, but who said you could start making
      it a habit of coming in late?"  The voluptuous blonde sweetly
      replied, "After I showed my lawyer our video, he said with this
      material, I can do whatever I want."

 98.  The blonde waitress had an appointment after work with her
      gynecologist.  During the course of her examination, the shocked
      doctor removed a tea bag from her pussy and asked her to explain.
      "Oh shit," said the blonde waitress, "I plumb forgot to serve my
      last customer his flow through tea . . . tea bag."

 97.  Did you hear what happened to the
      blonde who swallowed a razor blade?
           Within two days, she'd given herself a hysterectomy,
           castrated her husband, circumcised her little boyfriend,
           gave the priest a harelip, and cut the mayor's tongue.

 96.  There were two cowgirls who were having a problem telling their
      horses apart.  First they tried making one horse wear a hat, but
      the hat kept falling off.  Then they tried clipped the ear of one
      of the horses, but it kept growing back.  Both of the horses
      cocks were the same size so that didn't help.  They finally put
      up a partitioned wall in their barn so they could put the gray
      horse on one side, and the brown horse on the other side.

 95.  This guy rolls over in bed and asks his new blonde lover, "do you
      smoke after sex?"  "I dunno," admitted the blonde, who sat up and
      spread her legs.  "I never looked before now . . . nope, no smoke
      that I can see..."

 94.  Why did the blonde ask her friend to
      save her burned out light bulbs for her?
           She was saving the dead bulbs so she give them to her new
           friend as a present.  She wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
           a photographer, who worked in a darkroom.

 93.  What are three things blondes and sheep have in common?
           They are always in the mood.
           They never have a headache.
           When you're done fucking them, you let them out the door.

 92.  A blonde dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter is waiting outside the
      Pearly Gates.  "Before you can go into heaven," St. Peter said, "You
      must answer a religious question."   "Well, I went to church on
      earth," says the blonde, "I think I can answer a question."  St. Peter
      asks, "What was the name of the Son of God?"  "Andy," says the blonde.
      "Andy!" says St. Peter, "Why do you say that?"   "Well," the blonde
      says, "When I'm in church the pastor always said, "Andy walks with
      you."  "Andy listens to you."  "Andy guides you."  "Andy loves you."

 91.  Did you hear about the blonde ball washer at the golf course?
           Yeah, she would grab the guy's knob and start pumping it
           up and down till the soap squirted out.  Then she'd wash
           his two balls.

 90.  Sam was thrilled to death when his sexy blonde girlfriend agreed
      to marry him, and both promptly made appointments with the doctor
      for their required physical check-ups.  A few days later, the
      doctor called Sam in and told him he had some good news, and some
      bad news.  "The good news," he went on, "is your fiancee has
      gonorrhea, and we caught it just in time."  Sam turned red in
      the face and said, "If that is the good news Doc, then what can
      the bad news be?"  The doctor replied, "You're clean, she didn't
      get it from you..."

 89.  How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at the bank?
           To make sure the teller saw the gun, she put the gun in the
           drawer when it opened along with her note reading, "This
           is a stick-up."

 88.  There are three women trying to work their way up the corporate
      ladder in this particular company.  The president realizes it is
      time to promote one of them, but can't decide whom to choose.  So
      he devises a fair test.  One day while all three are out at lunch,
      he places five - hundred dollar bills on each of their desks.
      The first woman returns the money to him immediately upon finding
      it after lunch.  The second woman instantly pockets the money.
      The third woman invests the five hundred dollars in the market
      and returns fifteen hundred dollars to him the next morning.  So
      who did the President promote?  Who else?  The blonde with the
      big tits and accommodating mouth!

 87.  When Ben met Sylvia in a bar one night, he thought the gorgeous
      blonde was the foxiest thing he'd ever seen on earth, and he
      remained intrigued even after she'd confessed to having a foot
      fetish.  So he accepted her invitation to come back to her place
      and obligingly fucked her with his big toe.  A few days later he
      woke up and his toe was swollen and throbbing.  He limped over to
      the doctor, where after a test or two, the doctor said he had
      syphilis of the big toe.  Ben admitted he'd never known such a
      condition was possible.  "Must be pretty rare, huh doc?"  "Yes,
      but even stranger was this lady that came in this morning.  She
      had athlete's foot . . . in her vagina!"

 86.  The blonde came home early from work one afternoon and found her
      found her boyfriend in bed, going at it hot and heavy with the
      sexy girl who lived across the street.  "What is going on here?"
      she screamed.  "You see?" said the boyfriend to his sex partner
      at the moment, "I told you she's stupid."

 85.  "Which would you prefer, white wine, or a light red wine with that
      entree?" asked the waiter sincerely.  "Aww, suit yourself," replied
      the blonde diner, "Any color or size makes me happy."

 84.  What are a blonde's three most used lies to her lovers?
           1)  You are the best I've ever had.
           2)  You got the biggest cock I've ever seen.
           3)  It doesn't always smell that way.

 83.  The blonde prostitute was explaining her livelihood to a new
      girlfriend.  "I put a stocking on my right leg, then I put a
      stocking on my left leg.  And between these stockings . . . I
      make a living."

 82.  How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
            She drops her nail-file!  or
            Who cares?   or
            She say 'Next'.    or
            The next person in waiting taps you on the shoulder.  or
            He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.    or
            The batteries run out.

 81.  "My blonde bitch and I broke up because we have too much in common,"
      a lone drinker confided to the bartender.  "Is that so?"  says the
      bartender.  The drinker says, "Yeah, we both like to eat pussy."

 80.  Little boy walking home from school, takes short-cut through
      the woods and meets up with a cute little blonde. "Can you pull
      your pants down, so I can see what you have inside?" the cute
      little blonde asked.  The little guy was so frightened, he ran
      home and told his Mother of the experience. "Well," began the
      Mother. "Next time when you meet up with that little girl and
      she asks you to pull your pants down, you tell her that you have
      a mouse down there!   That will frighten her away."  Following day,
      the little guy was on his way home and again, he meets the same
      cute little girl. "Can you pull your pants down so I can see what
      you have inside?" the cute little blonde asked.  "I've got a mouse
      in there..!!" came the brave, bold reply.  The little blonde thing
      pulls her dress up and says,  "SIC'em pussy...!"

 79.  The California Legislature has recently passed a resolution
      requiring automobile manufacturers to take the headlight dimmer
      switch off of the steering column and place it back back on the
      floorboard.  It seems the blondes are getting their feet wrapped up
      in the steering wheels and causing wrecks!

 78.  A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding.  When he asks
      for the drivers license, the blonde argued, "Speeding!?  But officer,
      I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car
      in back of me."

 77.  A state trooper pulls a blonde over for making an illegal turn.  The
      blonde says,  "Officer, you can't give me a ticket.  I WANTED to go
      straight, but the sign said 'No U Turn.'"

 76.  A policeman following a car weaving down the road pulled up beside
      it and found the driver to be a little old blonde lady knitting a
      sweater.  He shouted,  "Pull over!"   She replied, "No, a cardigan."

 75.  A man and a blonde woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
      Man:  "What are you doing here today?"

      Blonde: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.  They're going to give
          me $5 for it."
      Man:  "Hmm, I'm here to donate sperm, myself.  But they pay me $25."

      The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
      before going their separate ways.  Several days later, the same man
      and blonde woman meet again in the donation center.

      Man:  "Oh, hi there!  Here to donate blood again?"
      Blonde:  [shaking her head with mouth closed and cheeks puffed out]
           "Uh huh..."

 74.  A Pimp goes to the hospital to visit a blonde girlfriend who is
      about to have a heart transplant.  He's worried about her.
      Pimp:  "I'm worried about my blonde friend doc, what if her body
          rejects the organ?"
      Doctor:  "Well she's 36 years old and healthy.  How long has she
          been in business?"
      Pimp: "She's been working since she was 13 years old but what does
          that have to do with anything?"
      Doctor:  "Well she said she's been working 23 years and hasn't
          rejected an organ yet!"

 73 . A truck driver picked up a blonde who was hitchhiking.  Several miles
      down the road they passed a spot where a car had hit a skunk a few
      minutes before.   "Would you mind crossing your legs?" the truck driver
      politely asked the blonde.

 72.  A blonde woman telephoned an airline ticket office in NY and asked,
      "How long does it take to fly to San Francisco?"  "Just a minute,"
      said the airline ticket man who was busy with a customer at the
      moment.  "Thank you," said the woman and she hung up.

 71.  A blonde woman called the fire department to report that her house
      was on fire.  When the fireman asked her how to get there the blonde
      replied,  "Don't you have that little red truck anymore?"

 70.  A man who had just gotten hit by a car was lying in the middle of
      the street.  A blonde woman walked by and said, "What should I do?"
      The man said, "Call me an ambulance!"  So the blonde said, "You're
      an ambulance!"

 69.  A couple was having a discussion about family finances.  Finally
      the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house
      wouldn't be here!"   The blonde yelled back, "My dear, if it
      weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

 68.  A blonde is sitting on her stool eating a slice of pizza. Two of
      her friends walk up and notice that she is not wearing panties.
      "Hey Inga," one of her friends calls out jealously, "did you take
      off your panties to allow it to cool off?"   "Can say that going
      without panties cools it off," replied the blonde, "but it sure
      keeps the flies away from my pizza!"

 67.  The blonde had a terrible problem - she hadn't had a bowel movement
      in two weeks.  When she explained the situation to her doctor, the
      doctor gave her a box of suppositories and told her to use them all
      and come back in a week.  So the blonde ate two for first day, four
      the next, and so on until the box was finished and the week was up.
      She returned to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I did what you told
      me and I still have no relief."  The doctor was amazed.  "I don't
      understand!  You've used a whole box of these and you still haven't
      taken a shit?  What have you doing, eating them?" he asked
      sarcastically.  "What do you think I've been doing with them you
      silly man?" said the blonde adding, "Shoving them up my ass?"

 66.  Thirteen year old Inga arrived home from her date on a cloud.  She
      tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister, she
      threw the rest of her clothing around when she got in her bedroom.
      The next morning at breakfast her mother asked if she had a good
      time on her date.  "Yeah," sighed her blonde daughter, "I had a
      w o n d e r f u l  time!"   "I can tell," her mother remarked.
      "Your panties are still stuck to the wall."

 65.  After making love to his blonde girlfriend for the first time,
      the young Stud got his feelings hurt after his blonde sex pot
      told him that the only thing that could satisfy her now was a Camel.

 64.  Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like most boys his age, rather
      curious.  He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older
      boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day he
      took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered.
      Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind
      the curtains one night and watch his older blonde sister and her
      boyfriend.  This he did.  The following morning, Johnny described
      everything to his mother.  "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
      a while, then he turned off most of the lights.  Then he started
      kissing and hugging her.  I figured sis must be getting sick because
      her face started looking funny.  He must have thought so too,
      because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just
      like the doctor would.  Except he's not as smart as the doctor
      because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.  His hands
      kept moving from one side of her chest to the other.  I guess he
      was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of the them started
      panting all out of breath.  His other hand must have been cold,
      because he put it under her skirt.  About this time, Sis got worse
      and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward
      the end of the couch.  This was when the fever started.  I knew
      it was a fever because she told him she was "really hot."  Finally
      I found out what was making them so sick--a big eel had gotten
      inside his pants somehow.   It must have jumped out of his pants
      and stood there, about a foot long.  Honest!!!   Anyway, he grabbed
      it in his hand to keep it from getting away.  When Sis saw it, she
      got really scared.  Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and
      she started calling to God and stuff like that.   She said it was
      the biggest one she ever seen--I should tell her about the eels
      down at the lake.  Anyway,  Sis got brave and tried to kill the
      eel by biting it's head off.   All of a sudden she made a noise
      and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back!  Then she grabbed
      it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out
      of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from
      bitting again.  Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get
      a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.  The
      eel put up a hell of a fight.   Sis started moaning and squealing
      and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted to
      kill the eel by squeezing it between them.   After a while they
      both quit and gave a great sigh.  Her boyfriend got up and sure
      enough, they had killed the eel.  I knew it was dead because it
      just hung there limp, and some it insides were hanging out.   Sis
      and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but, they
      went on courting anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her again.
      By golly Mom, the eel wasn't dead!  It jumped straight up and
      started to fight again!   I guess the eels are like cats, they
      have nine lives or something.  This time, Sis jumped up and tried
      to kill it by sitting on it.  After a 35 minute struggle, they
      finally killed the eel.  I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's
      boyfriend peel it's skin of, take it to the bathroom, and flush
      it down the toilet!"  Thump...  "Mom!  Mom!  Wake up!"

 63.  A Doctor was examining a young, luscious blonde girl.  "My breasts
      hurt," she complained to him.  He examined and fondled her small
      but firm breasts.   "That's only natural," he told her.  "They're
      just growing, they'll get bigger."   "Something else bothers me.
      I'm getting hair under my arms."  The Doc looked and answered,
      "That's natural," then he took off his shirt and showed her his
      bushy underarms.  "You'll get more hair, like me."  "But I'm also
      getting hair here," whispered the girl, shyly pointing to her
      crotch.   "Let me see." said the Doc as he washed his hands.  She
      dropped her panties and said, "See?"   The Doc looked, felt and
      huskily said, "That's only natural.  Your hair will grow thicker,
      like mine."  He then dropped his pants and pointed to his crotch.
      The little blonde saw his throbbing erection and exclaimed, "And
      when am I gonna get one of those?"   "Just as soon as I pull down
      the shades and lock the door..." said the Doc.

 62.  The young blonde girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her
      mother about her attendance to her first elementary football game.
      "Mom, I  have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
      last night."   "I'm not surprised," said her blonde mother. "It was
      bound to happen sooner or later.  I just hope it was a romantic
      and pleasurable experience."   "Well, yes and no," the cute young
      blonde remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them
      my pussy and ass got real sore."

 61.  Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Blonde
      Suzy wants to go out to my car.  She's really hot," one boy said.
      "I'm really nervous.  I know I'll goof up!"   "Take it easy,"  his
      friend assured him.  "All you gotta do is compliment her.  Chicks
      love to be complemented.   You'll have her in the palm of your
      hand."   About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing
      a black eye.  "Shit, man!   What happened to you?"  his buddy
      asked.  "I took your advice."   "Didn't you compliment her?"
      "Sure I did.  We got in my car and started kissing.  I told her
      that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet.  She liked that.
      After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for
      such large breasts they sure were firm.  This blonde bitch was eating
      my words up!"   "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend
      said.  "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went
      wrong.  I got her dress up and her panties off and after checking
      out her blonde crotch, I tried to think of another compliment."
      "What did you say?"  "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

 60.  After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
      nursing a king-size hangover and he asked his blonde wife,  "What
      the hell happened?"   "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in
      front of your boss," sighed the his blonde wife.  "Piss on him,"
      answered the husband.  "You did," said the blonde, "and he fired
      you."   "Well, fuck him,"  said the husband.  "I did, and you
      can now go back to work in the morning."

 59.  A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
      When the blonde hustler undressed, he noticed that she had no
      pubic hair.   The man shouted, "What, no wool?  In my country
      all women have wool down there."  The blonde prostitute snapped
      back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

 58.  The young blonde girl asked her new date, "What do you think of
      anal sex?"  "Ugh," the guy exclaimed.  "I couldn't stick my prick
      up anyone's rear unless I was stone drunk and unconscious."
      "Dad's whiskey is in the top left cabinet," suggested the blonde.

 57.  The naked blonde leaned across the bed,  picked up the phone and
      said, "Yes, dear.  That's all right, don't hurry.  Enjoy yourself.
      Goodbye."  When she hung up, the man lying beside her asked, "Who
      was that?"   "My husband," was the reply from the gorgeous blonde.
      "What did he want?" asked her lover.   "He called to tell me he'd
      be home late tonight.   He's downtown playing poker with YOU and a
      bunch of the boys..."

 56.  Miss Smith asked her class to use the word "definitely" in a
      sentence.  Little Debbie raised her hand.  "The sky is definitely
      blue."  "That was a very good answer, dear, but the sky is
      sometimes pink, or gray, too.  'Definitely' has a stronger meaning."
      Little Mikey raised his hand.  "The grass is definitely green."
      "Very good, Jimmy,  but sometimes the grass is brown, or yellow."
      A little blonde named Inga waved her hand.  "Yes? asked the teacher.
      "Teacher, does a fart have lumps?"  Miss Smith was horrified.  "Inga,
      what are you talking about?  Of course not!"  "Well then," said Inga,
      "I definitely have shit in my pants then."

 55.  The little boy came into the bathroom while his blonde mother was
      taking a shower.  He asked, "mommy what's that blonde furry thing
      between your legs?" She told him that was her squirrel.  Later
      that day he snuck in the bathroom again this time while grandma was
      taking a shower and he asked, "grandma what's that between your legs?"
      She replied that's my squirrel.  The little boy said,"well mommy has
      one too but hers is not gray like yours."  Grandma replied, "well
      your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as this one has!"

 54.  A couple of squirrels were going through the park looking for a
      convenient tree where they could have dinner and spend the night.
      Inadvertently, however, one ran up the skirt of a blonde girl who
      was wearing no panties.  A moment later, the squirrel came back
      down, a look of disgust on his face.  "What, that tree no good?"
      his friend asked.  "The worst," replied the stunned squirrel back.
      "It had bare limbs, no nuts, and the nest is all wet, smelly,
      and sticky!"

 53.  A blonde entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
      "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this
      is enough?"   The blonde woman replied, "Are you kidding?
      This is the only vacation I get each year."

 52.  I noticed my neighbor leaving for work, his wife embracing him
      passionately and kissing him goodbye.  "Now why can't you do that?"
      I asked my blonde wife pointing at the loving neighbors.  "Don't
      be silly," my blonde wife said,  "I haven't even met him yet."

 51.  A husband came home from work and asked his blonde wife,
      "Did a salesman come by today?"
      His blonde wife replied, "Yes."
      The husband asked,  "Did he have a bill?"
      The blonde replied, "No, just an ordinary nose like everybody else."

 50.  A husband met his wife at the door and said, "I hope you have a
      good reason for coming in at 5:00 in the morning, drunk."
      "I sure do," she said.  "Breakfast."

 49.  One blonde to another:  "Yesterday my grandmother fell down the
      stairs."  The other blonde asked, "Cellar?"  Her blonde friend
      answered, "Naw, I think she can be fixed."

 48.  A hillbilly father and his son went to the big city mall one day.
      They saw an old lady walk in an elevator, the doors closed and
      shortly thereafter opened up again.  Out came a beautiful blonde.
      The father said to his son, "Boy, go fetch your Ma, quick."

 47.  A blonde told her friend that she was getting married.  The friend
      asked her if she had chosen a date.  The blonde replied, "Oh, can
      I take a date to my wedding?"

 46.  A man in Florida asked a blonde on the beach why she was staring at
      him.  She replied, "You look like my 3rd husband."  He asked, "How
      many times have you been married?"  The blonde replied, "Twice."

 45.  A little blonde girl looked at a pregnant
      woman and asked, "What is in your tummy?"
      The woman replied, "A baby."
      The blonde girl asked, "Do you love him?"
      "Yes," replied the woman.
      "Then why did you eat him?" asked the little blonde girl.

 44.  A new husband was bragging about new blonde bride. "She treats
      me like a God," he said.  His friend replied, "Oh, you mean
      your meals are burnt offerings, too?"

 43.  After looking at some dust balls under her bed, a little blonde
      girl asked her mother, "Is it true from dust we came and to dust
      we shall return?"    The mother replied, "Yes."  The little blonde
      girl replied, "Well, then someone is under my bed and they're
      either coming or going."

 42.  Husband fearing that his lovely blonde wife may be going deaf:
      "Honey, can you hear me?"  Silence.  He moved a little closer:
      "Honey, can you hear me?"  Silence.  He moved a little closer yet:
      "Honey, can you hear me?"  Blonde Wife:  "For the 3rd time, what?"

 41.  How did the blonde try to commit suicide?
           First, she tried overdosing on an entire bottle of Flintstone's
           vitamins.  Then she tried throwing a transistor radio into the
           bathtub.  Then she tied a rope around her neck and tied the
           other end to the doorknob, and slammed the door!  Finally, she
           tried to cut her wrists using an electric razor.

 40.  Blonde student:  "This is the 5th time you've raped me this week."
      Teacher:  "What are you trying to say?"
      Blonde student:  "Thank God it's Friday, what we doing this weekend?"

 39.  Did you hear about the blonde who was into beastiality?
           Her dog jumped upon her belly and began licking, only
           to be yelled at by the blonde women, "Down Boy!  DOWN!"

 38.  What are the three most marvelous things about a blonde?
           1.  She can bleed for a week once a month and never die!
           2.  She can give milk and never eat a blade of grass!
           3.  She can bury a bone and never get her nose dirty!

 37.  Inga stood on a New York pier sobbing.  A sailor walked up to her
      and asked, "What's the matter, miss?"  "I want to go back to Sweden.
      I haf no money.  I would do anything just to get on a ship back
      home," cried the blonde Swedish girl.  "Well, wait till tonight.
      I'll smuggle you aboard my ship and put you in one of the life
      boats."   He did.  That night the sailor made love to the greatful
      blonde.  And the next night.  And the night after that.  Soon some
      of the other crew were partaking of her favors.  Inga stayed in the
      lifeboat for weeks.  One night the captain heard movement in the
      lifeboat and pulled back the tarpaulin to investigate.  "Hello,"
      said Inga.  "I'm going to back to Sweden, are we almost there?"  "
      Like hell you are,"  said the captain.  "This is the Staten Island
      Ferry!"

 36.  The blonde waitress wanted to deposit 10 dollars into her bank
      account.  "I'm sorry ma'am," the teller says, "but I'm afraid this
      monopoly money isn't good here."  "Uugh!" she yells, "that means I
      was raped, that lousy son of a bitch!"

 35.  The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young blonde.  She was
      reciting her confession, and it was too much for him.  He told her
      to come with him to his room.  There, he place his arm around her.
      "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.  "Yes, Father, and
      worse," the girl replied.  "Hmm," said the priest.  He kissed her.
      "Did he do this?"  "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.  "Did
      he do this?" the priest asked, as he lifted her skirt and fingered
      her blonde pussy.  "Yes, Father, and worse."  By this time, the
      priest was thoroughly aroused.  He pulled the blonde down onto
      the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked,
      "Did he manage to do this?"   "Yes, Father, and worse," said the
      girl.  When the priest shot his load in the girl, he asked, "Did
      he do this too?"  "Yes, Father, and worse!"  "My dear daughter,
      what could he have done that is worse?"   "Well," the young blonde
      girl said, "Father, he gave me AIDS..."

 34.  A blonde women enters a pharmacy, and proceeds to the 'feminine
      supplies' area.  After about 15 minutes of reading and head
      scratching, the pharmacist approaches the blonde an asks if he can
      be of some help.  The blonde says yes, explaining she's not sure
      which product to buy.  "What kind of flow do you have?" the
      pharmacist enquires.  "Linoleum" replies the blonde.

 33.  Mrs. Sorenson decided to take up the sport of golf.  She signed
      up for lessons with the local pro at the country club, but after
      six months of lessons, she could still barely get the ball off
      the tee.  At the end of his patience with the blonde bitch, the
      pro finally said, "Mrs. Sorenson, there's only one thing left
      that I can think of to try with you.  No matter how strange my
      instructions sound, just do what I say.  I want you to hold the
      club as though it were you husband's penis, swing it, and then
      hit the ball."  This was indeed strange, but the blonde was
      always willing to try anything new.  She followed the pro's
      instructions, and lo and behold, the ball shot straight down the
      fairway for 300 yards.  "Wonderful!  Just Wonderful!  We're
      making progress!" said the pro.  "Now take the club out of your
      mouth..."

 32.  This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
      them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'  She asks if anyone
      can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their
      hands.  "Johnny," she says.  Johnny says, "My dad told me to stay
      away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."  "Very good,"
      says the teacher.  Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere
      was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"  Then
      she notices that Carl has his hand up, at the back of the class.
      "Yes, Carl?" she says.  Carl says, "The other day, me and my dad's
      a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence.
      She had a tiny little paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little
      strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's
      gonna take that 'cunt ages' to finish paintin' that fence."

 31.  This blonde was on a safari.  She was taking pictures when a huge
      gorilla swung down out of a tree and snatched her off to his tree
      house.  There he abused her in ways she had never even heard about.
      Luckily, a rescue party found her while her captor was in search
      of a banana, and they took her back to civilization.  While the
      blonde was recuperating in a hospital, her best friend came to
      visit.  "Susan!  Such a terrible experience, thank God you're
      alive!" said her friend.  Susan was completely silent.  "Susan!
      Say something!"  Susan babbles,  "Say?  What is there to say!  It's
      been two weeks!  He doesn't call, he doesn't write, he doesn't
      visit...God how I miss him!"

 30.  A man is giving it to this blonde chick doggie style.  He pulls his
      dick out of her pussy and proceeds to shove it up her ass.  She
      slowly looks around at him and says, "Mighty presumptuous, aren't
      we?"   He looks down at her and says,  "Mighty big words for a
      nine-year old blonde!"

 29.  While on vacation, President Reagan wants a girl for the night.
      He has three beautiful girls sent up to his room: a blonde,
      a brunette, and a redhead.  To the redhead he says, "I am the
      president of the United States.  How much will it cost me to
      spend the night with you?"  She replies, "Fourteen hundred
      dollars."  "Way too much!" he says.  Then to the brunette, "I
      am the president of the United States.  How much to spend the
      night with you?"   "Two hundred dollars." says the brunette.
      The blonde walks up and says, "Mr. President, if you can raise
      my skirt as high as taxes, get your dick has hard as times are
      now, and fuck me the way you are fucking the people of America,
      I won't charge you a damn thing!"

 28.  Three women are discussing their men.  "I call my man Eighty-eight,"
      says the redhead.  "That's cause he's eight inches long and can do
      it eight times a night."   "I call my man Seventy five," says the
      brunette, "cause he's seven inches long, and he can do it five times
      a night."  "Well, I call my man Crme de Menthe," says the blonde.
      "What?" asks the brunette, "isn't that a drink of some kind?"
      "Yeah," moans the blonde, "Yeah, my man's a liqueur!  Yeah, ooo yeah!"

 27.  Why do blondes type everything in capital letters?
           Because they think anything *they* say is important.
           Because they're shiftless.
           Because they think if they don't shout no one will listen.
           Because they don't want to be thought low down.
           Because lower-case letters aren't taught until 3rd grade.
           Because they were always told to THINK BIG.
           Because they've got their heads up their ASCIIs.

 26.  A sexy blonde girl comes into a bar wearing skin-tight jeans.
      I mean, it looks like she must have been poured into them.
      A guy at the bar, hoping to strike up a conversation, says, "Tell
      me, Miss, how do you get into those pants?"  The blonde replies,
      "Well, you start by buying me a drink!"

 25.  A blonde prostitute went into the bank to put away some newly
      acquired jewelry.  "I happen to know something about jewelry,
      Madam," confided the teller, "and I hope you know that these are
      not genuine diamonds."    "Oh my God!" screamed the blonde.
      "I've been raped!"

 24.  As the man was instructing the new blonde on the great care required
      in handling certain valuable household objects, he pointed to the
      dining room and said with obvious satisfaction, "That table goes
      back to Louis the Fourteenth."   "Oh, that's nothing," the blonde
      interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears on the
      fifteenth."

 23.  An airplane was landing at an airport.  The blonde pilots had never
      been here before.  The blonde captain said to the blonde co-pilot,
      "That runway looks very short...I'm going to have to go in at a
      steeper angle."  A few minutes later, the co-pilot observes that
      the runway was even shorter than they thought, and advises an even
      steeper descent.  When they finally land, the co-pilot turns to the
      captain and says, "that was incredible.  I've never seen a runway
      so short."  The blonde captain replies, "Yes, but look how wide it is!"

 22.  A blonde walks into a drug store and says she wants to buy a condom.
      The druggist says, "Fine.  That'll be $1.10."  "$1.10!?" scoffs the
      blonde.  "Yes," the druggist says.  "One dollar for the condom and
      ten cents for the tax."    "Tacks?!" hollers the blonde, "I thought
      you men rolled them on..."

 21.  When the tall blonde asked the shoe clerk for help in selecting a
      pair of low-heeled shoes, the sales women asked what they were to go
      with. "A very short, rich man," she replied.

 20.  Two blond guys were building a house, one was on the roof and the
      other on the ground.  The blond guy on the ground knocked the ladder
      over and it broke.  They continued to work until it was almost dark.
      The blond on the roof (the boss, of course) yelled down for the
      other guy to get him something up there so he could get down.  The one
      on the ground looked around, thought, scratched his head, thought some
      more (you could tell it was a strain) and finally said, "Can you slide
      down a beam?"  By this time the boss was irate and said, "I don't care
      what it is, get it up here.  It's time to go home!"  The grounder
      pulled a flashlight out of his pocket, turned it on, and said, "OK,
      slide down the beam!"  The blond boss said, "Whaddya think I am,
      stupid or sumpin?  I'd get about halfway down and you'd turn it off!"

 19.  A blonde went into a public restroom stall and (slowly) read the
      sign on the wall that read, "Do not put anything but toilet paper
      into the toilet bowl."   So the blonde shit on the floor.

 18.  A blonde entered the confessional, and the priest waited quietly on
      the other side of the curtained wall for the blonde sinner to begin
      her confession.  After a long period of silence, the priest cleared his
      throat in an effort to coax the blonde into proceeding.  No response
      came from the blonde.  Father cleared his throat once again and waited
      for the blonde to begin her confession.  Still, no response.  The
      priest surmised that the blonde was in a real state of crisis, and
      did not have the courage to begin the confession.  The priest quietly
      rapped on the wall of the confessional, to which the blonde responded,
      "Sorry, you're shit out of luck, there is no toilet paper on this side
      either."

 17.  Two blondes had a sure fire way of getting rich, just rob a bank.
      So they spend the next three minutes devising their elaborate plan.
      When they arrive at the nearest bank they could find, they rush in
      the front door and shout,
               "OK you MOTHER STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK UP!"

 16. There was a OBGYN who called in his next patient.  To his surprise in
     walked the most spectacular blonde he had ever seen.  Yes she had the
     most perfect breasts, and body he had ever seen.  Well anyway she got
     on the table for her exam.  The doctor did the exam and then said,"
     I need to NUM you for the next test."  She asked, "What's that?"  The
     Doctor preceded to go to the end of the table and dive between her
     legs and went "NUMMY - NUMMY - NUMMY!"   <BIG GRIN>

     Ella McPherson was a little naive about the ways of the world, and found
     that eventually she had to attend a gynecologist.  The conversation went
     something like this...

     EM:  Hi doc, I've never been to gynecologist before and I must admit
     that I am a little apprehensive.

     MD:  That's ok.  Most women have this problem for a while.  The first
     thing that I want you to do is strip from the waist down.

     EM:  WHAT!?!  Are you sure.

     MD:  Absolutely.  I *am* a doctor and I need to be able to see you.

     EM:  Ok.  I guess so.

     MD:  Right.  Next, I want you to lie on that table over there.

     EM:  Are you sure?

     MD:  Yes.  Remember I studied for many years and I *know* what I am
     doing.

     EM:  Ok.

     MD:  Now spread your legs and put them in these stirrups.

     EM:  Wait a minute, surely this can't be necessary!?

     MD:  Yes it is.  I will allow me better access and will make the
     procedure simpler and quicker.

     EM:  Ok I guess so, I mean you *are* a doctor.

     MD:  Now, this instrument in called a speculum [guys, if you don't know
     what this is, ask a girl - it will make the joke much funnier] and it is
     *VERY* cold.  When I stick it in, it is likely to feel a little strange
     and might even hurt a bit.  Would you like me to numb you first?

     EM:  Yes please doctor!

          So the doctor sticks his head between her legs and goes...
               NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM

 15.  Do this joke on paper for the best effect:
      ----------------------------------------------------------------
      Four blondes were eating in a restaurant, and when the bill came,
      it was $28.00. The blondes scratched their heads for a while, trying
      to figure out how to split up the bill, but were unable to do it.
      They called the waiter over to help.

      The waiter, noting who he was dealing with, and being quick on
      his feet, took the opportunity.

      "Well," he said, "let's divide"

             .----
           4 | 28

      "Divide 28 by 4, but 4 won't go into 2, so 4 goes into 8 twice,
      leaving 0."

              2
            .----
           4| 28
              8
            ----
              0

      "Now, bring the 2 down, and you have 20, 4 goes into 20 five times."

              25
            .----
           4| 28
              8
            ----
             20
             20
            ----
              0

      "That means you each owe me $25.00", said the waiter.
      And the blondes paid him.

      After they were outside, one blonde, who was just a little smarter
      than the others, decided that they had been screwed. She said "Let's
      recheck that math, just like we tried to learn in school." The other
      blondes agreed.

      "Okay," the smart blonde said, "If we add them up like this:"

            25
            25
            25
            25
           ----

      "Then 5+5+5+5=20, and 2+2+2+2=8, and 20+8=28."
      The blondes sighed, "He was right."

 14.  The young blonde woman gave birth to a red-headed baby, without the
      benefit of being married.   A social worker asked the young mother
      whether the father had red hair.  "I don't know," said the blonde,
      "He never took his hat off."

 13.  Well, there we were telling our blonde jokes when suddenly,
      we were attacked by an irate blonde woman slinging a razor!
      We were all frightened but, thank God, it wasn't plugged in!

 12.  Two Great Danes are sitting next to each other in the vet's waiting
      room.  One says to the other, "What are you here for?"  "I am being
      put to sleep," he answered sadly.  "Why?  What did you do?"  "Well,
      I lived with this really nice family that had a cute little daughter.
      Every day for the last couple of months she would try to get on my
      back for a ride, pull my ears, and pull my tail.  I finally couldn't
      stand it anymore, and I guess I bit her up pretty bad when I finally
      attacked her...sigh...What are you doing here?"   "Well, I also live
      with a nice family and they have a teenage daughter, a gorgeous blonde
      teenage daughter!  <Woof!>  Every day she'd come home from high school
      and take a shower...and rub oil all over her body...and lay on the bed
      naked...sigh...and rub herself all over!   I just couldn't stand it
      any longer and attacked her one day."   "Oh...so you're here to be
      put to sleep too, huh?"    "Nope.  This blonde is having my nails
      trimmed so I won't scratch her next time..."

 11.  This guy spends the night with a blonde girl he just met at a bar.
      In the morning the blonde asks him, "Do you have AIDS?"
      He quickly replied, "No way!"
      The blonde responded, "Good!  I'd hate to get THAT again!"

 10.  The man was with a blonde woman.  He had his finger in her.  "Put in
      another one," she said.  He did.  "Put in a third."   He did that too.
      "Put in your whole hand."  Unbelievingly, he did that too. "Put in
      the other hand."   "You can't be serious," he snickered to the mature
      blonde, but he did it.   He now had both hands inside of the blonde's
      pussy.  "Now clap your hands," the lady said.  "I can't do that,"
      said the man strainingly.   The blonde replies, "Tight, ain't I?"

  9.  A blonde walked up to a man in a bar with her fist out and said,
      "I'll suck your cock if you can guess what is in my hand."
      The man said, "The Empire State Building."  The blonde looked at
      him, winked and said, "That's close enough."

  8.  The blonde showgirls had entertained the troops at a remote army base.
      After the performance, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess
      with the enlisted men or the officers?"   "Sure!  But we would like
      to eat first."

  7.  The blonde and her husband tried for months to conceive a child.
      Finally, the blonde, knowing there was no problem with her husband,
      decided to consult a gynecologist.  She went, and after an extensive
      examination, the gynecologist informed the blonde that she had an
      insufficient passage, and that if she ever was able to conceive a
      child, it would indeed be a miracle.  The blonde returned home after
      the examination, and there, confronted by her husband, informed him
      that the doctor told her that she had a fish in her passage and if
      she ever had a baby it would be a mackerel.

  6.  A blonde woman is walking down the street in a real fur coat.  An
      animal rights activist comes up to her, enraged, saying, "Do you know
      how many animals had to die for your coat?"  The blonde replies, "Do
      you know how many animals I had to FUCK to get this mink coat?"

  5.            A blonde went to her doctor,
                     And he put her on the pill.
                He said, "Now use these everyday,"
                     And she said, "Okay, I will."

                She went back three months later,
                     Her stomach bulging out.
                She said, "I used them everyday,
                     But they kept falling out."

  4.      The salesclerk of a large electronics department store was
      approached by a cute blonde.  She was interested in buying a
      cordless telephone.  The salesclerk showed the blonde the first
      cordless model that had a range of over 100 feet.

           "Only a range of 100 feet?   Jeesh!  That won't work,"  whined
      the blonde.  "I have relatives out of town."

  3.       It was the blonde's first trip by airplane, and she was scared
      stiff.  When the jets began to roar, she gripped the arms of her
      seat, closer her eyes tightly, and determinedly counted to one
      hundred, although not very successful.

           Then she opened her eyes and looked down out of the window.
      "Look at those tiny people down below," she marveled to her seat
      partner.  "They look just like ants."

           "They ARE ants," said the man in the other seat. "We haven't
      left the ground yet..."

  2.       A collection of beautiful blondes were tearing down a road in a
      hot sports car at about a hundred miles per hour.  One young
      blonde in the rear seat noticed that the door on her side wasn't
      properly closed.  Hastily she opened it and slammed it shut.
      The blonde driver, without looking up, hollered, "WHO just got in?"

  1.       A elderly blonde lady refused to board a plane headed for Denver
      unless the pilot promised her personally, not to fly above an
      altitude of four thousand feet.  "Higher than that," she explained,
      "my doctors says would be more than my heart could stand."
           "But, my dear lady," explained the pilot, "Denver itself is
      one mile high."
           "Then I just won't go there," decide the little old blonde
      lady.  "I always thought Denver was on the Ground."

---------------------------------[ END ]--------------------------------

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