===========================================================================                             

                             How to be Apathetic
                                 by Einstein

        In this article, I will attempt to show by word and example just
exactly how you too can learn and enjoy that great institution we call
apathy.  Just a side note: If you've read any of my previous articles, you 
probably should have noticed by now that I'm not politically correct.  
He/man/mankind will always suffice when writing a paper.  If you need more 
proof, think about the many women hackers of the past.  Well, that didn't 
take long, did it.  As always, this is my opinion, so you can rehash and 
argue about this all you want. The fact is, I don't care.
        There are a few patented ways to act apathetic, those being the
use of apathetic phrases, apathetic punctuation, and apathetic actions.
The first step is learning the lingo of people who really don't care.  
Now it really doesn't matter if in truth you care or not.  The point is to 
make the person you're talking to believe that you don't care one iota 
about a word he's saying.
        
                              Apathetic Phrases        

        Here are some of the typical phrases used by apathetic people.
Write these down and remember them.  They are listed as the top ten most
frequently used phrases between Splice and me.  Follow the example.  Let
us show you the way.

The Top Ten Apathetic Phrases

1.   "whatever" - recognized as the global apathetic response
2.   "nevermind" - always a crowd pleaser
3.   "I couldn't care less" - a close third
4.   "I don't care" - the obvious choice
5.   "do you know how little I care?" - a useful retort
6.   "hey. I care. no... really!" - the facetious response
7.   "yeah, sure" - yet another sarcastic barb
8.   "I care about that about as much as I care about you" - insulting, too
9.   "uh huh, yeah, go on" - the bell operator response
10.  "who gives a shit?" - Splice's favorite

        As you can see from the listing, "whatever" ranks highest among all
apathetic phrases.  This is partly because of it's usefulness, but also
because it has the added bonus of pissing off the person you're talking to.  
"Whatever" doesn't care about your socio-economic background, your ethnicity,
your color (this is debatable, niggers care about everything these days), 
your religion (preferably Christian, but believe it or not, the most 
demented minds are formed from Christian doctrine and schools), your sexual 
orientation (well, except for fags, lesbians, and bisexuals that is.), your
status in society or your arrest record.  "Whatever" can and does work for us
all, so remember, no matter the question, the answer can and should be 
"whatever".
        The other phrases rank high also. This list can go for miles,
down to answers to specific questions.  For size purposes(and because I
really don't care), I cut the list off at ten.  Incidentally, the responses
"I don't give a rat's ass" and "ohwell" were also quite popular, but failed
to make the top ten.
                                 
                            Apathetic Punctuation
        
        Punctuation is one of the greatest gifts an apathetic person could
give.  Perhaps this is because he hardly ever uses it.  The next section 
refers to the sort of punctuation practices only an apathetic person would 
partake in.  I have decided to write my articles in this magazine with 
correct punctuation, at great pain and effort to me personally.  These 
punctuation nuances are not listed in any order.

Ellipses(...):  An apathetic person uses ellipses to complete a thought.  
                Now let me stress that the number of periods an apathetic
                person uses is usually two or sometimes three, never
                eighteen or twenty-nine.  If you want to see ellipses used
                to extreme, call Neon Sins sometime and chat with Chris.
                (I didn't say this would be easy did I?)

Capitalization: Ah, capitalization.  Used for the simple purpose of..
                Wait.  What is the purpose of capitalization, and does it
                matter?  The apathetic person answers with a somewhat
                resounding "no" and shows it in his messages.  If used at
                all, the capitalization an apathetic person uses is sparse
                and used for inflection.

Typographical:  Spell correctly.  If you must misspell for apathetic
                purposes, make sure it looks like a typo.  Feel free to 
                make many typos and ensure that you don't fix them, for 
                that would imply that you care about the person you're 
                writing to, and we can't have that now can we?

Big Words:      <consult splice, destined to be a knock against chris,
                 filled with odious, corpulent, and languid phrases>

                              Apathetic Actions

        Well, now that you have the lingo down, let's focus on some 
particular actions that convey a sense of apathy to those around you.
These are listed, again, in no order.

Lying:          Tell a lie, stop right in the middle and say "oh, 
                nevermind, I was lying". This stops any enjoyment from 
                your story reaching the listener, and provides you with
                a gateway into future enjoyment to the chagrin and torment 
                of your friend(enemy).

Cheating:       Let people cheat off of your paper. Who cares, you can't 
                legally get punished for this, simply because they're
                looking at what's written on your paper. Feign ignorance,
                or if you're an EXiLED member just act normally.

Stealing:       Stealing is bad form.  There is too much effort involved
                in contemplation of the crime, the action itself, and
                covering up afterwards for this to be a true apathetic
                action.  On the other hand, let other people steal for 
                you.  This is much more in line with apathetic teaching,
                and saves you the trouble of lying to an authority to
                redeem yourself.

Talking:        If a person can't hear you while on the phone, never repeat
                a word you say.  Always make use of "nevermind", and when
                they begin to question your obstinacy, give in.  Of 
                course, make sure you're telling them a different story.
                Also, use the apathetic phrases listed earlier in this 
                article.

        Apathetic people are most often perfectionists.  Since they don't
really care about what they're doing, what they accomplish is usually much
better than what others do.  It is not known why this is so, but it is a
secret that you too can tap into.  All you need do is stop caring and
embrace the apathy.

                                                -  Einstein 

===========================================================================
