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                        The Facetious Treatise
                  an editorial from the mind of Splice

          (This article originally appeared in the NuKE Info) 
          (Journal 11 and has been reprinted with permission)

It is a growing trend in the world of computers, and the world in general,
that for one to be accepted into certain cliques, one must be somewhat of a
purveyor of mischief - one must get into trouble.  But perhaps this is only
an assumption ... perhaps really it is a misconception of sorts propagated
by those who do not themselves posses the skills or knowledge to be
accepted among what they wrongly assume to be their peers.  Perhaps these
people think that mere rebelliousness is the qualifer for peer acceptance
in the world of the underground.  And perhaps they're quite wrong.

With the elimination of social complexities, such as duty and virtue,
modern life has come to be guided only by pursuit of pleasure and avoidance
of pain. Thus humans have attained the same natural perfection as wild
beasts - a price has been paid for this honest simplicity though.  Without
the order of conscience or obligations of rectitude to force us into
dangers, our lives are no more thrilling than Patricia "except that it
replicates" Hoffman's.

Real trouble fixes this.

If the lady next door roasts her child - preheating the oven to 550 degrees
and placing the baby, chubby side up, on a rack in an open pan, reducing
the heat immediately to 350 degrees and cooking eighteen to twenty minutes
per pound until dead, numerous thrills are provided.  There is the thrill
of the violent sensation (if you happen to open the oven door yourself).
There is the thrill of importance as you carry the news to others, and the
thrill of creativity as you invent things about your neighbor to tell to
the press. And, most important, there is the ultimate, fabulous, and very
polite thrill of not having given in to the temptation to do this to your
own kid.

But it is the very thrill of not having caused the pandemonium that points
out the one big problem with real trouble:  It's such a bore waiting for
others to get into it.  Waiting goes against the impatient grain of modern
life.  As a result, many people feel compelled to get into real trouble
themselves - even though they know it's going to be a bother.

When you get tired of waiting or sitting on the sidelines and decide to get
into real trouble yourself, you should make sure that it's you who gets
killed or sent to jail.  But etiquette is not as exacting on this point as
it once was.  Today it's often considered acceptable to have lots of people
go to the grave or Leavenworth with you.  You must still be careful about
motive, however.  It shouldn't look as though you -need- to cause trouble
to attract attention.  It's always rude to remind others of inadequacies,
especially your own.  Also, you should never cause trouble out of anger.
If you are mad at someone and you shoot him, real trouble will result.  But
you'll also lose that person's friendship.  The more courteous thing to do
would be to slap him with a huge lawsuit.  That way, you'll enjoy the
trouble and he'll enjoy the publicity.  Thus the wheels of society are
oiled.  You should also never create trouble for a "cause".  Planting pipe
bombs is of course no end of fun, but planting them in order, say, to
promote world peace looks too calculating.  Having a "cause" gives others
food for thought about how empty your life must be otherwise.

Never get into real trouble by accident.  Plane crashes, car wrecks, and
accidents while cleaning guns are all too impromptu for even the casual
social life of today.  People will tell each other, "when something like
that happens there's just nothing you can say."  How true... and how
boring. If you're going to have a surprise mishap, try to be beaten to
death by teen-agers in the restroom of a public park that's known as a
hangout for homosexuals.  This will give everyone lots to say - especially
your wife and kids.  The value of planning cannot be overestimated.  If you
are going to get into real trouble, you should start laying the groundwork
early in life by being quiet, shy, a straight-A student, and a dutiful
child to your parents.  It gives no end of pleasure to everyone when a
person like that throws a flaming bucket of gasoline on the podium at a
CARO meeting.

If you're not killed immediately when you get into real trouble, you'll
have to stand trial.  Think of the jury as your friends.  That way, you'll
be prepared when they fuck you over.  Also, society holds trials for the
same reason that Shakespeare had comic relief in Macbeth - so try to make
everyone laugh.  Pleading innocent is usually the best way of doing this.
And plea-bargaining is tasteless - too much like being engaged in trade.
Finally, dress for a trial in a manner that shows you to be a sophisticated
person.  Use big words and a european accent, but avoid ending sentences
with "per se, yo honor."  You don't want them to know you're faking it,
especially if they'll think you ran your parents through a laundry mangle
out of ignorance and stupidity.  If the jury comes to feel they really know
and understand you, you'll have to spend some time in prison.  Being in
prison is like being a guest at a large house party - except that you'll be
sexually ravished without hints over cocktails first.  If you live in a
state with capital punishment, try to think up something fitting to say
during your lethal injection.  "See you in hell, Mom," is nice, but a tad
overused.  Go for shock value:

-  "Oh my gosh!  There's angels and God and Jesus and pearly gates and St.
    Peter and everything!"  (Memorable if your family is orthodox Jewish)

-  "What a neat swing in that old oak tree!  Hey wait!  Why are you wearing
    a hood?"  (Memorable if your family is black)

-  "Goodbye, Mary!  I love you.  Goodbye."  (Memorable if your wife's name
    is Sue)

-  "Go fuck yourselves, the bunch of you."  (Trite, but you can bet they 
    won't soon forget)

Things like "My only regret is that I have but one life to give for my
country" are too stuffy for what's basically an informal situation.

In summation, those who can handle real trouble are a truly elite few.
There are many who try emulate them, and after publication of this, there
will probably be many more.  One last word of advice to the kids in the
audience who will undoubtedly wish at some point to be accepted:  Don't
commit suicide to get back at your parents if they actually -do- detest
you. You'll just be playing into their hands.

                                        Splice [NuKE '94]

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