FREE D. C. Typed by Mystic Flight From the collection of DR.J THE HUMAN ZOO "The Happy Human Habitat" TO: Avery Zedd FROM: Interface RE: The Renegade Problem Greetings Mr. Zedd, and welcome. I am interface, Director of the Human Zoo. I am pleased to learn you survived Reactivation. You are being released into our preserve because we have a problem in our Zoo population, and we need a human detective to resolve it. 1. One of our Specimens has built a device that instantly deactivates robots at 50 meters. We first became aware of this device last week when a group of visiting dignitaries were suddenly terminated while observing the Zoo near the Flying Machine Repository. This created an uncomfortable situation for my superiors, who ordered the Zoo closed and the Specimen removed. 2. We programmed several heavily-armed Red Knights to hunt the renegade Specimen, but his device short-circuited them and they are out of control in the Zoo. He has also short-circuited numerous Funnelheads and Poodles, always at different locations, and there are rumors that three tourists were terminated before the Zoo grounds could be evacuated. 3. We estimate the Specimen has terminated a total of 62 robot units. He has gone completely mad, and the Zoo remains closed to the public. 4. We are unfamiliar with this type of deviant and uniquely human behavior. We suspect the criminal is Valerion, Memo or Edsel, but nothing in our programming would assist us in finding the renegade in such a large Zoo. Furthermore, my AI unit predicts that a human detective can find him within 12 hours. 5. We have equipped you with one (1) laser stunner and one (1) Wattson escort robot. In addition to transporting you around the grounds, this unit can answer questions about the Zoo, which are not covered in this personalized passport. It is our newest model, and has been specifically designed for obedience. To monitor your movements and conversations, it has a direct uplink to this office. 6. In our observations of human behavior, we have noted that your species performs most effectively when properly motivated. To ensure your prompt compliance, a capsule containing a lethal substance has been implanted in your body, and will detonate in twelve (12) hours should you fail in your mission. NAME: AVERY ZEDD DATE OF BIRTH: MAY 17,1990 BIRTHPLACE: ALEXANDRIA, VA, USA BIOLOGICAL AGE: 30 HEIGHT: 183 CENTIMETERS WEIGHT: 86 KILOGRAMS SPECIMEN TYPE: WHITE MALE CAUCASIAN BREEDING CATEGORY: 1A CLASS1 MALE SPECIMEN NUMBER: 12CXY8119AFG "Never mind the legacy of violence, famine and despair, that which is wrong can always be made right. The ancient race of homo sapiens is probably worth preserving, and this zoo will go down in history as the birthplace of the new rehabilitated human race." Queen Fifi the Terrible at the rededication of the Human Zoo WELCOME TO THE HUMAN ZOO! We are delighted that you have been selected to join us here at the Human Zoo, the oldest and best-known of human preserves throughout the world. This booklet was developed to help you, our newest specimen, find your way around the Zoo, get to know our rules and customs, and become happily settled amid the hundreds of other human specimens who are proud to call this facility "home." Your hosts, the Keepers, are programmed to provide you with everything you need to maintain a comfortable and secure existence. We encourage you to keep this manual with you at all times, and refer to it frequently as the need arises. If you have any specific questions to problems, please refer them to one of the Keepers. They are placed strategically around the Zoo grounds for your convenience. We have high hopes that your life with us will be long and fruitful. Thank you, INTERFACE Director, The Human Zoo The Rules You have been selected to join our Zoo community in order to help us fulfill our primary objectives: 1. to entertain and educate our guests, the visiting public; and 2. to gather research data that expands our limited understanding of the rise and fall of the ancient human culture. In order to best achieve these objectives, we just insist that inhabitants of the Zoo observe three simple rules: * Obey the Keepers. They are there for your comfort and safety. Failure to follow the advice and direction of a Keeper may result in immediate termination. * Do not touch the fence. Like the Keepers, it is there for your safety. The Fence keeps curious visitors from wandering into the preserve, and helps maintain the feeling of security that humans are known to prefer. If you come in contact with the fence for any reason, you may be inadvertently deactivated. *Stay in view. In keeping with the objectives stated above, inhabitants are requested to spend at least four hours per day out of doors and in view of our visitors. During this time, we encourage you to engage in any natural human activity you desire. Our guests are particularly delighted by your attempts to interact with them, and this behavior is strongly encouraged. We ask only that you do not deliberately tease or taunt them, or act in a way that would make them feel like intruders to our preserve. About the Keepers, and Other Robot Friends In addition to hundreds of happy human specimens, the Zoo community includes a variety of robot helpers who are dedicated to creating an ideal habitat. This section introduces you to some of the many new friends you'll encounter on the Zoo grounds. Keepers The Keepers are the primary robots in charge of day-to-day Zoo operations. They report directly to the Director, and are dedicated to maintaining an orderly and comfortable habitat for our human specimens while ensuring that the objectives of the preserve are met. Though their programming prohibits them from harming a Zoo inhabitant, they may recommend disciplinary action when appropriate. They occasionally patrol the preserve, and you are encouraged to approach them at any time. They are designed specifically to respond to any need you may have. Red Knights Poodles These are the disciplinary units that maintain law and order within the Zoo. Our Keepers have long observed that humans have a puzzling tendency to test the limits of stated rules and regulations. (This unfortunate defect is thought to be one of the primary reasons that the human species fell into decline.) We have provided these servants throughout the preserve in order to restrain this barbaric urge. We encourage you to graciously accept their benevolent guidance: even though their reasons may not be readily apparent to you, they are programmed to act only in the best interests of the preserve. Enforcement officers come in two models: the Red Knight, a large, well-armored robot with speech capability, and the Poodle, a small, atomic-powered deactivation unit designed to resemble a favorite human companion species. To ensure prompt compliance with their requests, both Red Knights and Poodles are authorized to immediately terminate any specimen whose behavior does not conform to Zoo guidelines. Funnelheads These small sanitation units are responsible for maintaining a healthful and hygienic Zoo environment. Their primary function is to promptly disassemble and recycle all abandoned materials found on Zoo grounds. They are territorial, and have been known to inflict harm on humans or other robots who attempt to interfere with their tasks. Tourbots Tourbots provide historical information to tourists and inhabitants alike, and are placed in important or significant sites throughout the preserve. Activities Our Keepers, in cooperation with top experts in human biology and cybernetics, have devised a complete program of activities to promote the mental and physical fitness of our specimen population. These activities replicate those which appeared to be most attractive to humans in the previous era. The following list includes only a few of the many exciting and healthful options available to you in the preserve. 1. Hit white sphere with stick and run in dirt 2. Hit large white sphere over tall string grid 3. Hit yellow sphere over short string grid 4. Throw large brown sphere through iron ring 5. Chase small white sphere around grass with iron club 6. Chase large black and white sphere around grass and kick each other 7. Throw and kick brown oblate spheroid back and forth in aggressive manner 8. Roll heavy black ball and knock down ten posts Habitation The preserve includes many ancient habitations that are thought to have been constructed during the zenith of the Human Dominion. These habitations include: 1. The Hairy-Faced Stone man Shelter--This structure was the ancestral home of a large family group of stone people that also included the Big Fire Lady in New York NY, and the Four Fathers On the Mountain in the Western Wilderness. Remains of their smaller offspring have been found in other shelters around the planet, leading us to the conclusion that this group was very prolific. Within the Zoo perimeter, these offspring congregated in the Old Human Junk Center and the Place for Exhibiting Trash. 2. The President's Residence--The high fences and primitive electrical entrance barriers surrounding this site suggest that this building was the habitation of a very important human who had a neurotic desire for total privacy. The green-colored ground surrounding this shelter is now a very popular activities site for Zoo inhabitants. 3. Bones and Skins Building--Humans are, in their essence, a bloodthirsty species that exhibited a pathological drive to consume the flesh of other animals. (We speculate that there are so few animal species today because the humans them all.) The inedible remains of the animals they consumed were deposited in this building. 4. Crumbling Paper Warehouse--The human obsession with saving everything is evident throughout the preserve, and finds its highest expression in this shelter, which was evidently the final storage place for every nonessential document ever generated by the species. Several large display cubicles containing nothing but extremely old paper dust suggest that reverence for ancient paper goods might have been the basis of faith for a major religious sect. 5. Economic Parasite Bureaucracy Palace--This appears to be an annex to the Crumbling Paper Warehouse. All the documents stored in this building are written in a peculiarly unintelligible variant of English, the translation of which eluded our finest linguistic experts for countless years. The effort was abandoned after 22 translation robots all self-destructed while attempting to process this useless language. 6. The Monument of the Unknown Bureaucrat--Yet another annex of the Crumbling Paper Warehouse. 7. Place for Exhibiting Trash--The fanciful castle-like design of this structure is a testament to the human talent for organization. As with many other shelters in the preserve, we are deeply impressed that so many utterly worthless items were discarded with such extreme order and care. This elaborate building appears to be a catch-all for items that did not fit into one of the other junk repositories in the Zoo. It appears to have been tended by the offspring of the Stone People, many of whom inhabit this building. Likely annexes to this structure include: 8. The Old Human Junk Center 9. The Cylinder Full of Pretty Stuff 10. The Pigment Facilities Shed 11. Flying Machine Repository--A parking garage for a dilapidated collection of primitive flight devices. 12. Bizarre Graphics Asylum--This structure is the irrefutable proof of the fact that humans and technology are a dangerous combination. The only plausible explanation for this structure is that, during the early days of artificial intelligence, humans attempted to harness small robots called computers to create images for them. Frustrated by the complete illogic of the human masters, these unfortunate robots were driven to circuit failure. Rather than deactivating them, the humans (who, as we have seen, warehoused everything) retired these faulty units to this shelter, where they continued to generate the tortured images that cover the walls. 13. Pointy-Headed Sit-Down Building--The main feature of this shelter is the hundreds of rooms that contain nothing but rows of seating units. Some researchers speculate that it was the site of an endless variety of decadent human entertainments; others (perhaps influenced by the central pointed roof on the building) theorize that it was an abortive attempt to construct an interplanetary craft. The Stone People may have been involved with this endeavor: a female specimen stands at the very top spire. We can only speculate about how she got up there You are invited to make your habitation in any of the shelters, with the consent of the current inhabitants. MAP--Numbers correspond to the buildings described above. 14 Wash. monument observation deck 13 2 4 12 5 10 6 3 11 8 9 7 1