JINXTER
                           (by Magnetic Scrolls)

             (this is the FULL info that came with the game...)

LOADING


To load the adventure,  insert your game disk in drive DF0: and  double-click 
on the icon titled "Jinxter".   Please ensure that the disk remains in the 
drive at all times (unless temporarily removed for saving and loading games 
onto another disk).

SCREEN LAYOUT

Once loaded you will notice that the screen is split into three sections.

The top line contains the following information:

     The top left is the name of the room that you are currently in.
     The first figure on the right is your score.
     The second figure on the right is the number of moves you have made.

The second section is the Graphics window,  which is where the pictures are 
displayed.   Below the picture you will find four scrolls.   These  scrolls 
are activated in the following fashion:

     1.  Move the mouse over the scroll you wish to pull down.
     2.  Click once on the left hand button.
     3.  Select the command you require using the mouse.
     4.   Click once.   The command will now by typed into the input buffer 
     for you.

The  graphics  window  can be set to be as high or as low as  you  wish  by 
moving the mouse to the Scroll Bar, holding down the right hand button, and 
moving the window up and down.

The  third section is the text window,  where your commands and the  game's 
responses are displayed.

TALKING TO THE PROGRAM

To communicate with the program,  simple type in a sentence describing what 
you want to do.  When it is waiting for a command, a '>' prompt and a block 
cursor are displayed.   Once you have typed your command press the <RETURN> 
key.

EDITING YOUR COMMANDS

The following allow you to edit the current line:

     Move left one character            Left arrow
     Move right one character           Right arrow
     Move left one word                 Up arrow
     Move right one word                Down arrow
     Delete one character to the left   CTRL-Left arrow or BACKSPACE
     Delete one character to the right  CTRL-Right arrow or DELETE
     Delete one word to the left        CTRL-Up arrow
     Delete one word to the right       CTRL-Down arrow


RE-EDITING YOUR LAST COMMAND

If you discover that you have made a small typing error on your last  line, 
pressing the ESC key will bring it back for editing.

MORE

When there are too many lines to display on the screen at once the  message 
'<MORE>' appears at the bottom right of the screen.   Pressing any key will 
allow the game to continue.

FUNCTION n

This will allow you to define any of the 10 function keys.   For  instance, 
if you decide that you are typing the command 'GET ALL' repeatedly, you can 
define  function  1 to be 'GET ALL',  and every time you now press  F1  the 
string 'GET ALL' will be placed on your command line.  Function can also be 
abbreviated to Funct.

SAVE

This  command enables you to save your current position in the  game.   you 
will be prompted for a filename.   The program will ask you for the name of 
your game (e.g.  'SAVED1'),  and then save it to the default drive,  or the 
drive specified.   To specify a drive,  put the drive letter followed by  a 
colon before the filename (e.g. 'DF1:SAVED1').  Please do not attempt to save 
files on the game disk.

RESTORE

To reload a previously saved game type 'RESTORE';  as with 'SAVE' you  will 
be prompted for a filename.   Don't forget to put the game disk back in the 
default drive after loading a saved game.

PRINTER ON (PRINTER OFF)

You can record your game by use of this command which turns the printer  on 
(and  off).   Do not despair if you have a slow printer,  as the  adventure 
maintains  its own printer buffer (but please ensure that your  printer  is 
switched on before using this feature).

GRAPHICS ON (GRAPHICS OFF)

If  you prefer to play the game without the pictures being  displayed  they 
can  be  disabled with 'GRAPHICS OFF'.   They can then be  re-enabled  with 
'GRAPHICS ON'.

TEXTSIZE

This  command will change the height of your characters.   The  default  is 
large  text,  however  if you wish to see more  on  the  screen,  selecting 
smaller characters enables this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Staff Memo                                                       Jinxter

                          DEPARTMENT OF GUARDIANS
                 Office of Internal Administrative Liaison
       From the Deputy Under-Secretary's Assistant General Secretary


Please address all queries to extension ________


Memorandum #122/4/552/74/B,
Item  #  995037,   Ledger#  21.145.441.6,  Issue  #  32:B:3992/11.1B,  Ref. 
AB/HGG/IHG//DS.11/34,    Folio   #   95739914005,    Piece   of   Paper   # 
528319995706773, Number # 8925070157, Page # 0000000000001

SUBJECT:   Aquitania,  restoration of Luck to,  Witches,  by, Defeating of, 
           Charms, by, Turani, Bracelet of, Restoration to.

1.  BACKGROUND

    1.A.  The magician  Turani created the property duly filed and recorded 
    as  "The  Bracelet  of  Turani" (Commemorated  and  symbolised  in  the 
    carousel now standing in the main square of the village) and consisting 
    of
          1.A.1.    Bracelet, enchanted, 1

          1.A.2.    Charms, enchanted, 5
    
    1.B.   The  purpose  of said Bracelet was to provide a source  of  good 
    fortune hereinafter referred to as "luck" for the benefit of the people 
    of Aquitania.
    
    1.C.   Said  bracelet  acted as powerful antidote  to  notorious  Green 
    Witches of Aquitania, rendering them relatively harmless.
    
    1.D.   Power of said bracelet was harmful to witches since, in hands of 
    suitable mortal, could be conclusively turned against them.
    
    1.E.  Power of said bracelet could, on other hand, be used and directed 
    to  increase  "luck"  of people of Turani and  limit  (but  not  wholly 
    eliminate) activities of said Witches.
    
    1.F.   Therefore if the said Bracelet was safely installed in  premises 
    of said Witches:
    
          1.F.1.    Witches would protect themselves against catastrophe by 
          safeguarding bracelet,  AND
 
          1.F.2.     People  of Aquitania would continue to  enjoy  "luck", 
          since bracelet protected by said Witches.
    
    1.G.  Towards the end of his life, said Turani engaged services of this 
    Department to direct said "luck" in his place,  after his death.   This 
    increased   departmental  prestige  and  generated   considerable   and 
    satisfactory volumes of paperwork.
    
    1.H.   This situation persisted to general satisfaction until recently, 
    when complaints were filed by outside parties.
    
    
2.  RECENT EVENTS
    
    2.A.   In line with Departmental policy,  little credence was given  to 
    outside complaints.
    
    2.B.   However,  internal  ramifications  were noted,  not  least  that 
    Departmental  Officers  were being finding increasing  difficulties  in 
    maintaining  a  steady supply of "luck" from the  said  Bracelet.   The 
    Department was clearly being inconvenienced and its comfort and  safety 
    threatened.
    
    2.C.  Such situation was clearly intolerable and, at the instigation of 
    the  Inter-Departmental Steering committee of the Working Group of  the 
    Standing  Committee  on  Administrative  Administration  and   Internal 
    Affairs, an investigation was called.
    
3.  RESULTS OF INVESTIGATION
    
    3.A.  The Investigative Sub-Committee found as follows:
    
          3.A.1.   Until  recently,   said  Witches   had   accepted   the 
          constraints upon their activities, confining themselves to jokes, 
          meetings and charitable works.
          
          3.A.2.    Recently however a Witch using the name of Jannedor has 
          reportedly  been using her influence to bring about an  overthrow 
          of the powers of the said Bracelet.
          
          3.A.3.     Under the influence of Jannedor, the said Witches have 
          allegedly compiled an illegal and unauthorised enchantment  which 
          had the potential permanently to destroy the said Bracelet.   The 
          said  non-registered unauthorized enchantment is believed  to  be 
          not  sufficiently  powerful to corrupt or  destroy  the  bracelet 
          PROVIDING  IT IS INTACT WITH ALL ITS  CHARMS.   It  is,  however, 
          capable  of  destroying  the Bracelet providing  its  powers  are 
          weakened by having its charms removed.

    3.B.   Accordingly,  the  said  Witches have been holding  out  illegal 
    inducements  to members of the general public,  offering preferment  or 
    riches  if said members of the public will remove and conceal  a  charm 
    from  the bracelet (since it is noted that the bracelet and its  charms 
    are not in any way harmful to the public, but only to the Witches).
    
    3.C.   As  a  result of this action,  the bracelet has at the  time  of 
    writing been completely stripped of all charms pertaining thereto,  and 
    the Bracelet's residual powers are fast running out.,  with the risk of 
    severe consequences to this Department.
    
4.  RECOMMENDATIONS
    
    4.A.   The  destruction  of  the  powers  of  the  Bracelet  cannot  be 
    permitted,  in  view  of  the  severe effect  it  would  have  on  this 
    Department.
    

    4.B.  This can best be accomplished by:
    
          4.B.1.    Locating all missing charms.

          4.B.2.    Gaining access to the said Bracelet.
    
          4.B.3.    Reassembling said Bracelet.
    
          4.B.4.    Utilizing power of bracelet against said Witches.
    
    4.C.  The Department cannot spare resources to attend to this matter.
    
5.   It is therefore concluded that a  member of the general public be  co-
opted  as  Special  Consultant to the Investigative  Sub-Committee  of  the 
Inter-Departmental Steering Committee of the Working Group of the  Standing 
Committee on Administrative Administration and Internal Affairs.

6.   A copy of this memorandum is to be given to said member of the general 
public,  who is to be afforded such assistance as the Department can  place 
at his disposal.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------



                                                                 Jinxter

                         THE INDEPENDENT GUARDIAN

Quality News For The Hard Of Thinking
The Weekly For the Association of Register Stochastic Executives (A.R.S.E.)



                         A Nasty Spell On The Way?

                             LIFE LOSES CHARM
            We'll Get The Bracelets On Them Yet, Says Wossname

Aquitania's luck is running out - literally.  That's what they're saying at 
Guardian House.  And top officials say "There's worse to come."

According to leading Guardian Len Wossname, 62, Aquitania can expect:

     -> Plagues of bats, mice and toads.
     -> Bad weather for the forseeable future.
     -> The Green Witches holding power.
     -> The collapse of the ferg.
     -> Total unavailability of a decent bit of cheddar.

Wossname,  widely  regarded as gan authority on the Bracelet of Turani  and 
the magic traditionally associated with it, blames Ms Jannedor Nasty, 186.
     "Yerse," said Wossname, "I blame Ms Jannedor Nasty, 186."
     Wossname  claims  that Jannedor is behind a campaign to  separate  the 
powerful charms from the legendary Turani bracelet, weakening its power and 
allowing her and her rebel organization to seize power.
     "Mark my words," says Wossname,  "things will look bleak for Aquitania 
unless the bracelet and wossnames are reunited."
     Asked  what action the Guardians were taking,  Wossname said  "Werl... 
between ourselves,  fat-all.   Manpower,  right?  But we is looking for the 
right individual to, er, do the job on our wossname."
     Wossname  gave  your  soaraway  Guardian  exclusive  details  of   the 
legendary charms of Turani.
     "Dunno  if  it'll  help," he said,  "but frankly  we've  got  a  ruddy 
quicksand  sitting  on  our shoulders and we'll be up to  our  necks  in  a 
whirlwind  if  we  don't drag ourselves out of the mire  before  the  moose 
bolts."
     See below for the startling EXCLUSIVE facts!


                     SUPABOOZA LEN GOES LIKE A DRAIN!

While the rest of us were getting soaked in last weeks mammoth storms, this 
week's Supa-Booza Len Pisht just...  soaked.   "I just stood there with  my 
wossname open," says Len, 44.  "Not a drop was shpilt!"
     Len,  a  2nd Grade RSE with Central Stochastics,  lives alone  with  a 
large  collection of corks and something terribly important which  he  can't 
remember.   When he heard he was this week's winner,  Len said "Can  anyone 
who knows where I've been for the last ten years please get in touch?"   He 
added:  "Oh - jolly king of you.   Just the one, then," before keeling over 
and hanging on to the floor.



                           LEN WOSSNAME WRITES:

Turani knew us wossnames.  Guardians.  How we couldn't remember, er, words.  
So he called the thingies names we could remember.   Like the doodah, fire-
engine.  Makes it rain.  Then to make the sun come out, you use the thingy.  
Dragon.  The oojimy - walrus - freezes stuff, and the watercallit, unicorn, 
makes things come back to you.  And of course, the doofer - pelican - makes 
things come to life.   Just find the wossname,  say the doodah, and thing's 
your wossname.  Charm.  Word.  Bob.  Uncle.  Narmean?


                   GUARDIANS STRIKE IN "HARD CHEESE" ROW

Registered  Stochastic Executives are to withdraw their labor as  from  the 
25th, in a row over regulation cheese sandwiches.

     "We  have to carry these things," say RSE 8th Grade Len  Wotcher,  "on 
account of where it's in company wossname, policy.
     "But frankly, it's a ruddy disgrace."
     Association  chiefs took the decision at a meeting of  the  Guardians' 
union last night.
     "The  25th  is  Crunch Day.   We haven't decided  the  25th  of  what, 
exactly, but it'll probably be a month.
     "It's hard to think of anything else with a 25th in it," Thingy added, 
"and we took that into account."
     The  cheese sandwich row began 286 years ago over the bread,  but  has 
now  escalated to include the cheese itself.   As Deputy General  Secretary 
Len  Doodah  points  out,  "It wouldn't be so bad  if  the  wossnames  were 
wossname.  Sandwiches.  Optional.  But they aren't.
     "Len Public expects his wossname,  Guardian,  to be carrying a  cheese 
sarnie.   It's  traditional.   But  I don't think they  realise  the  murky 
background.
     "Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if this  whole business escalated to 
include  the  butter before long,  too,  never mind the  ruddy  greaseproof 
paper."


                              COURT & SOCIAL

His  Royal  Highness  Prince Wilf the Partly-Formed  left  the  Royal  Seat 
yesterday when he began an extended goodwill mission to n'Goa  n'Goa.   His 
Royal Highness returned later for the Royal Seat saying:  "Demned if  one's 
goin' to sit on demned palm trees, what?  What?  What?  What?"  Equerry-in-
Stasis  Lord Rupert Rupert Rupert then detonated a small grenade under  His 
Royal Highness,  who stopped saying "What?  What?" but,  since the shrapnel 
only  passed through his brain,  His Royal Highness suffered no other  ill-
effects.

Her  Royal  Highness  The  Princess  Yah Super threw  a  bread  roll  in  a 
restaurant on Tuesday evening.  Doctors are said to be "delighted" with her 
progress.

The  Prime  Minister  Sir Rudolph Nose had an  audience  with  His  Majesty 
yesterday.  It is understood that they watched several old Sixties sit-coms 
and then fell asleep.

Her Majesty the Queen Mother visited the Lower Leaking Home for Dotards  on 
Friday,  where  she  smiled a lot.   All the inmates said  she  was  really 
lovely,  just like her photo,  and reminded them of their old  Gran.   They 
added, as protocol demands, that they hoped she would drop round again when 
she was in leaking.

The Lord Chancellor,  His Honour Lord Sir Doctor General Horace Biro,  will 
ceremonially  open the High Court tomorrow at 11:00 in  the  forenoon.   He 
will  unceremoniously close it again at 11:15,  since his recent  operation 
was not entirely successful.

(That's enough Court & Social - Ed.)


                 "Face up to facts" says renegade GM woman
                GRIM BIMBO TO WIN IN NO-LUCK CHARM CONTEST?

"If this woman has her way,  every one of our members could be out of a job 
by Saturnalia."
     That's  the  grim picture spelt out in pillars of  stone  by  A.R.S.E. 
Assistant Deputy Secretary-General Len Crikey.
     The reason for Crikey's concern?   jannedor, the rogue Green Witch who 
is threatening to destroy the Turani Bracelet.
     If the Bracelet goes, it will cause considerable pain in the A.R.S.E.
     Members  stand to lose their jobs.   At the very least,  says  Crikey, 
"there's going to be a massive shakeout of Guardianpower."
     The  Jannedor  threat  was first brought to the  attention  of  senior 
Departmental staff 128 years ago, says Crikey.
     Director  of Stochastic Services Dir  Monty  Starborgling,  questioned 
about the delay,  said:  "Festina lente is our motto here.  Volente non fit 
injuria,  of course,  but de minimis non curat lex.  In other words, Caesar 
adsum jam forte.  Follow my meaning, old pip, old pip?"
     Crikey's immediate response?  "Typical managerial drivel.  Our members 
have to go out in the street and deal with real people.
     "Starborgling  wouldn't spot a wossname if you shoved it in  sideways.  
And you can quote me."


                   Who is the Evil Genius of the Order?
                               WHICH WITCH?
                   Special Report by Gavin Safari-Jacket

The Jannedor threat is greater than ever before.
     No Guardian can afford to be unaware of the situation.
     I can reveal that, should Jannedor succeed in finally dismantling the, 
er, thing - sorry, left my notes in the pub, but you know what I mean - the 
lights will go out all over Aquitania.
     Babies will die in the streets and the old will cry for milk in  vain.  
Something like that, anyway.
     But more important than this, A.R.S.E. jobs are at risk.
     This threat is a banana-skin under Aquitania which will boomerang like 
a  rabid quagmire before coming home to roost and explode to leave us  with 
egg on our feet of clay.
     But what is Jannedor really like?  I simply haven't a clue.  Sorry.


                             NEWS IN BRIEF...

Borgling - A 21 year old Assistant Guardian was beaten up and severely hurt 
last  week  while helping an elderly lady across the road.   "It  took  two 
hours," said Len Thing, "and she was screaming all the way.  Then all these 
old  bats  came from nowhere shouting 'Why can't you leave  people  alone!'  
The  next  thing I knew,  they were beating me with their  tartan  shipping 
trolleys, and I woke up in Hospital"

A.R.S.E.  Chairman Sir Deonard ('Len') Wallet will retire next month.  Says 
Len, "It's time to go.  I don't want to push my luck!"

The  annual  Association Lizard Bar-B-Q and Biodegradable  T-Shirt  contest 
will be held in St Leonard's Church Hall,  Lennington on the 24th -  that's 
the  day  after  the strike,  so a good  turn-out  is  predicted,  says  St 
Leonard's Vicar, the Rev. Len Vicar.

Retired Guardian Len Pouch,  72,  has started a vital service for  A.R.S.E. 
members: herringbone replacement.  Says Len, 72, "My life as a Guardian was 
made miserable by constant herringbone maintenance.   Now members can bring 
their overcoats in for quality bone-fitting at a budget price."

Happy Birthday to Len Phone, who is 91 today!


                      "Country close to war" says PM
                     REBELS SEIZE POWER IN GULF CLASH

A crack team of Guardians was called in last night to stem a rising tide of 
revolt in the long-running Gulf War.
     The task force, led by Commander Len "Nuts" Twombly, 34, parachuted in 
from two Air Force cumulonimbi in the early hours of the morning.
     "We  will be building a bridgehead at Al Qhqhu'u," said  Twombly,  "Or 
something that sounds like that, anyway.  Then it's up to luck."
     The rebel situation worsened last week when the A.T.I.A.F.  dissidents 
broke with the T.E.A.F.  freedom fighters after a dispute with the I.T.F.A. 
guerilla leaders.
     Now the F.I.A.I.T.  claims to have taken control of State Radio and is 
claiming a democratic military regime.
     The  exact  nature  of the I.T.F.A.  victory is  unknown,  as  is  the 
location of the F.T.A.I.  forces or indeed the Gulf itself.  The reason for 
this confusion is that this,  like all Gulf War stories,  is being made  up 
from the office after lunch.
     Comments Twombly: "I don't exist either.  You're making me up, too."


                              FOREIGN REPORT

                    KWAZI DELEGATES RUN WILD IN CAPITAL
                     Shock Horror Violence Flare Storm

Ruddibahmi,  Capital of Kwazi,  was in silence last night after a marauding 
band of A.R.S.E. delegates on a "fact finding" tour ran amok.
     The delegates,  Len Flute,  len Wivaht and Len Welt,  were arrested by 
Kwazi police after apparently starting a fight in a house of ill-repute  on 
the notorious Nooki Street.


     Welt,  speaking  from his cell,  said:  "We wuz relaxing after a  hard 
wossname.   All  we wanted was a quiet cheese sandwich when in  comes  this 
wossname with half-a-dozen scantily-clad wossnames.   We told her to cheese 
orft, and next thing we knew we was banged up.  It's a disgrace."
     Landlady Ethel Dearie denies Welt's version of events.   "They come in 
heah  an  they bline drunk.   Sayin they respec'ble biznissmen  but  I  see 
straight way they no good, probly Guardians out on one razzle.  I offer 'em 
the  best  in my house,  the finest mature cheddar in  Kwazi,  but  it  not 
enough.
     " 'Bring on the dancin' gels' they screamin',  'We powerful operatives 
an' can float above the groun' "  So I call the cops.  It serve them right, 
if you ask me."


                          ASK A GUY WHO KNOWS...

What he thinks of "GRAUNIAD" brand special Sandwich Cheese-style Spread.

     Only 3fg the packet.
     . sticks to the bread
     . clogs the tongue
     . sprays on clients
     . guaranteed no taste

Grauniad - let your A.R.S.E. be the judge.

Official  Cheese  of the Association of Registered  Stochastic  Executives.  
Gold Medal (failed);  Imperial Exhibition (withdrawn); Dairy Products Award 
(recalled).


                            GUARDIAN SMALL ADS

For Sale:   Herringbone Overcoat,  vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.  
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices.  Ask for Len Oops.

For Sale:   Herringbone Overcoat,  vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.  
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices.  Ask for Len Piperack.

For Sale:   Herringbone Overcoat,  vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.  
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices.  Ask for Len Carton.

For Sale:   Herringbone Overcoat, vgc, one accident-prone owner, bargain at 
75fg.  Apply at A.R.S.E. offices.  Ask for Len Redit.  No agencies.

Wanted:   Overcoat,  any pattern but herringbone.   Advertiser promoted  to 
Administrative post.  Apply Leonard memo, ex. 335.

Mum:  Do not worry.  The doctors say they will dry out in time.



                              SPECIAL REPORT

                          A Life in the Day Of...
                                 LEN MORON

Aquata's  New  A.R.S.E.  Rep is a ball of fire in a  herringbone  overcoat, 
writes Suzie Dope

"We Stokies have got to stick together."  The languid,  challenging  figure 
reclining  against  the rough-shod wall gives me a challenging  glance from 
languid,  reclining eyes, "but let's not talk about me, honey.  How's about 
we make ourselves comfortable on this recliner and delve into your personal 
history like two old buddies?"
     Understand Moron's desire to help a girl do a difficult job in any way 
he feels kike,  and you have the measure of this languid,  irresistible man 
who, mark my words, will shake up the public image of Guardians and set the 
cat among the pigeons.
     "I  wanted  to  put something to  you,"  Moron  murmurs,  exuding  the 
confidence  which  the  public demand - but so rarely receive  -  from  the 
Guardians.  "Our job is to help people fulfil their lives.
     "Like for example a girl like yourself shouldn't be out on the streets 
day after day.   You should be in a little flat somewhere, where you  could 
play  with  a poodle or two,  lounge around in a kimono,  you know  what  I 
mean?"
     Put like that, who can argue with Moron?
     Certainly he has style.   The chairs,  for instance.  "Yes," he agrees 
shyly,  "I'm rather proud of them.  I use them for sitting on.  It's rather 
a style point,  I think.   My mentor was Len Spoon and he was very keen  on 
novel applications for utility things.   Look,  honey, these chairs recline 
right back, why don't I show you?"
     The  deeper one falls under the spell of a captivating man-child  like 
Moron,  the  more  one  is  aware of the vast  gulf  between  him  and  the 
traditional, herringbone-overcoated  Guardian:  middle-aged,  moustachioed, 
munching a cheese sandwich, the traditional A.R.S.E. member has none of the 
grace,  elegance, wit, charm and sparkling, sheer personality of the unique 
Moron.
     "I  want  to get away from the old image"  says  Moron  candidly.   "I 
wouldn't  tel  this  to  just  anyone,  honey -  why  not  kick  off  those 
constricting shoes,  where they pull your feet out of shape?  - but I  want 
the public to call us Friends rather than Guardians.   After all,  this  is 
the present day,  and it's time to throw out those paternalistic  attitudes 
and for men and woman to come together as equals in freedom of choice."
     One cannot but agree.   The day of the paternalistic Guardian is over.  
True,  Moron sports a herringbone overcoat - but it bears the unmistakeable 
stamp of haute cuisine on his lithe,  elegant frame.   True,  he carries  a 
cheese sandwich - but it's wholemeal bread and Roquefort and  old-fashioned 
butter which Moron discovered "while scouring the globe for taste-treats."
     "No need to dress like a schlump," he asserts.  "Nowadays, it's ongoin 
support which people require.  The days of rushing around swamps and mines, 
turning up in mid-air and so forth,  by me that's strickly old  hat.   Say, 
talking  of hats,  why don't you and me go and buy you something  for  your 
pretty hair?   Maybe in the morning?"  Who could resist such an  offer,  or 
such a man?  Not me, for sure.


                      We know you're only superhuman.
                             We know you care.
                         We know you do your best.
            Every day, in all weathers, you're out on the job.
                          You don't ask for much.
                      Immortality is its own reward.
                  But have you thought about the future?
                  Have you thought about Life Insurance?
                                 We have.
                Which is why we launched a special scheme.
                 A scheme tailored for immortal demi-gods.
                      You may think there's no point.
                           Nor did anyone else.
                            So we've gone bust.
                       TWIT & CO - INSURANCE BROKERS



                         THE INDEPENDENT GUARDIAN
                                   1327 Old Leather Bottle Alley
                                   Docklands Zone, AQ  17277
                                   Registered at the Post Office as a toad



                      THE PRICE OF A CHEESE SANDWICH

On  the other hand,  it might be argued that the ongoing rumpus  concerning 
the  provision  of  cheese  sandwiches to the  duly  appointed  members  of 
A.R.S.E. is a storm in a teacup.
     Here at the Guardian,  however,  we prefer, upon mature consideration, 
taking one thing with another,  to regard it as a storm between two  slices 
of bread.
     Why?  Because that is the sort of feeble joke we enjoy making.
     What  must  not be forgotten is that we are not bery  bright.   If  we 
were,  we would be dons at Cambridge.  As it is, we just pretend to be dons 
at Cambridge.  Hence, our tweed jackets, our fluting voices, our pale pasty 
complexions and our pompous, slightly faggy prose style.
     Never forget that we know almost less about what is going on than  you 
do.   We  rely  on other people for  our  information.   They  may,  taking 
everything  into account,  choose to lie to us.   So be it.   We cannot  be 
bothered to check.   Which is why,  all things considered, we begin leaders 
with phrases like "on the other hand".
     But we say this: to commit ourselves would be unwise.


                             BUMMAHS OR BOOZAS

This organ has been accused of many things.   Prudery has never been one of 
them.   Yet there are those who want to BAN your weekly glugging,  lurching 
SupaBooza.
     To these killjoys, we say "NUTS!"
     Our readers work hard saving people from their folly.
     We say this:  whose pot would you rather fill?  The pompous bum Bummah 
(see letters) or cheerful, sodden Len on Page 1?
     We say this: Len gets our credit, any day of the week??!?!??


                             GUARDIANS AT WAR
                        An Anniversary Celebration
                              by Norbert Wibb

The  War  record of the Association of Registered Stochastic  Executives  - 
popularly known as "The Guardians" - has been a long and glorious one.
     Now,  on the anniversary of the first Royal Incorporation of  A.R.S.E. 
during  the  reign of King Willy the Bit Childish,  we look back  over  the 
years with pride.
     We first find the Guardians being mentioned in the Chronicle of  Clerk 
Peter  the  Very Overdrawn,  which deals with the Battle of  Saucer  Creek.  
Peter comments:  "Waited until dawne for ye Grauniads to Turn Uppe but they 
Never Shewed.  Typicall."
     Some fifty years later,  the Guardians were in action again,  fighting 
for  King Derek the Confused against himself in one of the great  rearguard 
actions of the Silly War.  Contemporary sources cite the Guardians' role as 
"negligibble:  They just Hange aroundd with much Drinking and Fondling. For 
mine Selfe,  I founde the Stentch of theyr Hering Boane Coates to Stink out 
ny Nostriles, that I was like to Perrish."
     (That's enough battles - Ed.)


                           LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Correspondents  are requested to write on one side of the paper  only.   We 
reserve  the  right to shorten letters for reasons of space,  or  to  amend 
readers' opinions for reasons of naked bigotry.   The Editor's decision  is 
dubious.  No Tick.

Letter of the Week

Sir:
We  have written to you repeatedly regarding your overdraft which at  close 
of business yesterday stood at 37,660.32fg in our books.
     Failing immediate repayment in full we will have no alternative but to 
seek recovery through legal channels.
     Yours etc.
     Mr L.S. Bummah
     NotBest Bank Plc

Miss Doris Norris
Sir:
In  the course of my Duty as a Guardian (Grade 2b) I was obliged to  render 
assistance  to the above-mentioned lady in a delicate domestic  matter,  to 
wit,  this  sweet and innocent creature was being shamefully abused by  her 
husband.   I  was able to oblige by turning him into a pair of rather  nice 
Vibram-soled waterproof hiking boots (size 6).  In the ensuing conversation 
it transpired that both the lady and I are keen mulching  enthusiasts,  and 
she kindly showed me her mulching cart which I took as a token of esteem.
     We subsequently fell in love and are engaged to be married.  We plan a 
hiking honeymoon during the course of which she will walk all over her  ex-
husband.   What I want to know is this:  in the event of our divorce,  do I 
get the mulching cart?
     Yours etc.,
     Len MacNure
     F.A.R.S.E.


                      IMMORTALITY - THE HIDDEN CRISIS

What do you do when a seemingly ordinary husband tells you: "I'm wossname"?  
It happened to Mary Dull...

"Ours seemed such a straightforward marriage.
     I met Len when I was just 23.  He was seemingly doing pretty well as a 
trainee Guardian.  He'd just got his F.A.R.S.E. exams and the future looked 
bright.
     Everyone  said we were too young to marry,  but we  pooh-poohed  them.  
Fro the first couple of years we were happy.   Then Len began keeping  late 
hours.   He'd just go off for months on end.   I spoke to him about it, but 
all he said was "Werl, narmean?"
     I  didn't like to say that,  no,  I didn't know what he meant.   So  I 
tried to keep myself busy.   I got interested in womanly things.   I  spent 
hours  in  front of the fire with my  Independent  Guardian  Knit-Your-Won-
Lesbian  pattern.   I  wore a balaclava and hung  around  outside  military 
installations.  I bought some big boots and stopped bathing.
     But  Len didn't seem to notice.   I was  worried  sick.   Finally,  my 
friend  Deirdre  said "You just have to confront him  with  your  problems. 
Communication is the thing.   Tell him how you feel and don't let him evade 
the issue."
     So  one  day Len came home and I was waiting for him.   I had  made  a 
special effort;  his cheese sandwiches were keeping warm in the oven, I had 
had my hair done, I was wearing scent, a silk negligee, black stockings and 
high heels,  and carrying a shotgun.   When Len came in,  I let him have it 
between the eyes.
     To my amazement,  all he said was "Har Har Har,  I'm immortal."  So  I 
shot Deirdre instead,  and I must say, since then, Len and I have been very 
happy."

If  YOU are under threat of violence in the home,  call 021-556-BONK -  the 
advice center for Battered Guardians.  We understand...


                             GUARDIANS' WOMEN

                      CRI DE "COR!" - A CARING GUIDE

A question we often ask at Independent Guardian Women is:  "HOw many  women 
have the most terrible problems sharing their lives with Guardians - yet do 
not realise it?"
     Independent  research,  carried  out by a firm of people who  we  told 
exactly what we wanted their independent research to prove, has shown that:
     -> 90% of women don't realise there's anything wrong with their  lives 
     until we tell them.
     -> 85% of women who seek our advice require psychiatric help within  a 
     month.    
     -> Guardians as a class are bombastic,  shabby, and do not help around 
     the house.
     ->  "Hovering  about" is the most destructive thing,  according  to  a 
     sample group of wives.
     ->  Women  who  believe  they are perfectly  happy  being  married  to 
     Guardians  are  often initially resistant when we persuade  them  that 
     they are miserable.
     ->  Guardians  whose  wives leave them generally  say  "Oh,  has  she? 
     Werl..." when asked for their feelings.

                                BRAINTEASER
                          Solution to Puzzle 1828

Meatloaf writes:
A surprisingly poor response to a fairly straightforward puzzle.   THe clue 
was  in  Mr  Green's  hat,  and what most of you failed  to  spot  was  the 
application  of  lattice  theory to what  happened  after  the  party.   Mr 
Wormold,  one of our regulars,  quite correctly reasoned that if the atomic 
weight  of the new element was 225,  then Plato's neighbor could  not  have 
been the lift-man, so the answer could never have been "A Graviton".  That, 
of course,  meant that if the Greek acrostics really were heiroglyphs,  the 
German  spies  could never have started their computer and  the  series  of 
orange (but NOT red) lollipops would have been recursive.
The answer, therefore, was "Yes.".



                      TIRED OF PLAIN OLD HERRINGBONE?

So  were  our  master tailors.   So we designed the new look  for  the  new 
Guardian:  HERRINGSCALE.   Traditional,  yet daring,  for the Guardian  who 
cares that little bit more.  
     Pin this sample to your forehead and see what your friends say!

Audley & Dogg - Tailors for Gentlemen since 10 a.m.



                            THIS IS WHAT YOU DO
                            A Guardian's Bible

This  issue,  yur  soaraway Independant Guardian managed to collor  one  of 
A.R.S.E.'s leading operatives, Len "Wossname" Wossname.
     Wossname tells all:  what it's really like out there;  what to expect; 
what not to expect; when to expect what you're not expecting.

FINDING A CHEESE SANDWICH

IG: So, you've done the research and know what to expect when you arrive in 
the field.  Tell us about methods of travel, if you will.

Wossname:  Werl,  piece of cake this.  Nothing to it really.  What with the 
old  man being a cartographer an' all.   Anyway,  basic principal is  this: 
you're  in one place and you want to go somewhere else;  you whip  out  yer 
pocket compass,  work out which direction the cheese shop lies and go  that 
way.

IG: Could you give us an example?

Wossname:  Yus.   Say  you  was  in the middle of  nowhere;  exits  in  all 
directions,  narmean?   Werl, you're spoilt fer choice, ain't you?  I mean, 
you could go:
     NORTH,  NORTHEAST, NORTHWEST, SOUTH, SOUTHEAST, SOUTHWEST, EAST, WEST, 
     UP or even DOWN
Assuming there was summit interesting in that direction,  eh?  Mind you, if 
you knew that there was a cheese shop to the est, you'd probably want to go 
in and have a good look around, narmean?  So, you'd
     >GO WEST  or, to make life easier, just
     >WEST  or even
     > W  will do the trick.

IG:  That's all very well,  but what if our cheese shop had a door,  or you 
didn't have a compass handy?

Wossname: Variety?  Spice of life innit?  Door?  No problem, all you'd have 
to do is
     >GO THROUGH THE DOOR  or
     >GO IN  assuming it was open,  narmean?   No compass,  you say?  Werl, 
       you could just
     >ENTER CHEESE SHOP  or
     >GO INTO THE CHEESE SHOP  would do just as well

IG: Getting away from cheese shops for the moment-

Wossname: Why?

IG:  Let me postulate a hypothetical situation:  imagine you came across  a 
comfy chair after a hard day's work.  How would you approach the concept of 
sitting down?

Wossname: S'easy, I'd
     >SIT DOWN  or
     >SIT ON THE CHAIR
Might  prove  a bit of a problem if there was more 'n one  of  the  buggers 
tho'.  In that case I'd
     >SIT ON THE COMFY CHAIR.

IG:  Fine,  so we're sitting on a comfy chair.  What if we found that there 
was a bit of a draught coming through an open door?

Wossname:  Werl,  's  obvious innit?   Can't reach the door  while  your're 
sitting down now, can you?  You'd have to
     >GET OFF  first.  There's several ways you could do this though:
     >STAND  is the easiest
     >GET OFF THE COMFY CHAIR  is another.   On the other hand,  you  might 
       not be able to do anything about the draught, so you could simply
     >GO OUT  which would get you off the chair and take you  outside,  all 
       in one go, narmean?

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'VE FOUND IT

IG:  Yes,  well that all sounds very straightforward.  Let's move on, shall 
we?  Getting back to the cheese shop-

Wossname: A real cheese shop, mind you.  None of this processed rubbish.

IG:  Yes,  alright.   So, we find ourselves inside a cheese shop only to be 
confronted with a bewildering array of cheeses.  What do we do?

Wossname: Simple enuf, you
     >EAT THE CHEESE  no trouble there, squire.

IG:  But what if there were lots of different types of cheese?   How  would 
you get the one you were after?

Wossname:  Werl,  if there were more 'n one,  you'd get asked which one you 
were talking about.  But, if you knew that one of them was a juicy piece of 
cheddar you'd have gone for that one in the first place with
     >EAT THE CHEDDAR CHEESE  now wouldn't you?  Eh?

IG:  Yes,  I suppose you would.  Now, what if one of the cheeses was mouldy 
and you wanted to eat all of them except that one?

Wossname:  Piece of wossname,  cheese?   No, cake.  Har! Har! Har!  Anyway, 
what? Oh.  Yeah, mouldy cheese.  Werl, you'd just
     >EAT ALL THE CHEESE EXCEPT THE MOULDY CHEESE

IG:  Alright,  so much for eating cheese.   How would you go about making a 
sandwich out of it?

Wossname:  Now you're talking.  Can't remember the last time I had a decent 
cheese sandwich; if it's not processed rubbish it's foreign muck.  Narmean?  
Yeah,  werl,  if  you had a sandwich and some cheese all you have to do  to 
make a cheese sandwich is
     >PUT THE CHEESE INTO THE SANDWICH

IG:  But,  supposing there was already some cheese in the  sandwich.   What 
then?

Wossname:  Werl, you'd probably find that the cheese wouldn't fit.  A slice 
of bread is only so big you know.   Trouble is,  you might have slipped  up 
when you tried to make the sandwich and said
     >PUT THE CHEESE IN THE SANDWICH
Which is all very well if the sandwich was empty in the first place.  If it 
had some cheese in it though, you'd get asked
     INTO WHAT?
Which is perfectly fair question if you think about it, innit?

IG:  I  see.   Well,  so far we've been doing things all in one go,  so  to 
speak.  What if we wanted to take it one step at a time?

Wossname: You mean, what if we'd had a few to drink and didn't want to make 
any mistakes like putting the mouldy cheese into the sandwich eh?

IG: If you like, yes.

Wossname: Know what you mean, chief.  Say no more.  Try this
     >PUT
Seeing as how no one would know what I mean, I'd get asked
     WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PUT?
Then I could say
     >CHEESE
And the response might be
     WHICH ONE? THE MOULDY CHEESE OR THE CHEDDAR CHEESE?
So I'd say
     >THE CHEDDAR CHEESE
And the question would come back
     INTO WHAT?
And I'd tell it
     >THE SANDWICH
but there might be more than one sandwich, in which case I'd get
     WHICH ONE? THE LARGE SANDWICH OR THE SMALL SANDWICH?
so, finally I'd say
     >THE LARGE ONE
and there you have it: one large cheddar cheese sandwich.


ASKING FOR A CHEESE SANDWICH

IG: Let's get back to the cheese shop shall we?

Wossname: Yes, lets.

IG:  To make things a little more realistic, let us suppose that there is a 
shopkeeper and a table in the shop.   Now, you want to buy some cheese, but 
you have no money.  Take us through it, if you will.

Wossname:  Alright,  chief.   First  thing I need to do is find some  cash, 
since  my credit isn't too good around cheese  shops  generally.   So,  I'd 
probably  have a good look under the table - you never know what you  might 
find, narmean?
     >LOOK UNDER THE TABLE
     YOU FIND A COIN
What a stroke of luck!  Right, things get easy from here on in
     >GET WOSSNAME 
     YOU HAVE NOW GOT THE COIN
Werl now, flush with cash, I can stroll on up to the shopkeeper and enquire 
after a nice juicy piece of cheddar.
     >ASK SHOPKEEPER ABOUT CHEDDAR
Now, the geezer will probably waffle on about how incredibly tasty all this 
expensive foreign muck is.   Don't worry, I won't fall for the sales pitch, 
I'll get straight to the point
     >ASK HIM FOR THE CHEDDAR CHEESE
     THE SHOPKEEPER SAYS, "NO, IT IS MINE."
Werl, no harm in trying is there?  Looks like I'll just have to pay for it
     >BUY THE CHEDDAR CHEESE FROM HIM WITH THE COIN
Now,  assuming  inflation hasn't gone through the roof since I last  bought 
some cheese, I should end up with my lump of cheddar.


SHORTER WAYS OF DOING ALL THE OTHER STUFF

IG:  You  make it all sound so easy.   Tell me,  are there any short  cuts?  
Tricks of the trade, that kind of thing?

Wossname:  Werl, when you've been doing this kind of thing for as long as I 
have, you get to know a trick or two, narmean?

IG: No.  Tell us.

Wossname:  Okay,  tell  you what,  I'll give you two versions of  the  same 
thing.   One  the  long  way round and the other using a  few  short  cuts.  
First, the long way
     >GO  NORTHWEST AND GET THE CHEESE AND THE SANDWICH THEN GET THE  KNIFE 
       THAT IS ON THE TABLE AND USE THE KNIFE TO CUT THE SANDWICH
And the shorter version:
     >NW, G CHEESE, SANDWICH, KNIFE, CUT SANDWICH WI IT

IG: Fascinating.  Are there any more?

Wossname: A few, yeah

IG: Could you tell us what they are?

Wossname:  S'pose I could.  The main ones are obviously the eight points of 
the  compass.   You know,  like NW for NORTHWEST and U for  UP.   Then,  of 
course,  there's L for LOOK,  DR for DROP and I for INVENTORY.   Er,  F for 
FROM  is pretty useful,  and PN for PRONOUNS comes in handy too - that  way 
you know what the wossname is, narmean?


OTHER THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEESE AT ALL

IG:  So,  is  that  everything you need to know before  embarking  on  your 
assignment?

Wossname:  Pretty much.  There's a few other things like INVENTORY for when 
you  want to find out what you're carrying and wearing.   Or there's  EXITS 
what tells you which ways you could go.  Another one is AGAIN - very useful 
that.

IG: Could you demonstrate it's application?

Wossname: Werl, if you was to get really annoyed, you might
     >BANG HEAD ON WALL
Now, it could be that you thought it was something that you should try more 
often.  If you did then you'd say
     >AGAIN
Which would do it again, narmean?

IG: Surprisingly, yes.  What else is there?

Wossname:  SCORE  is  a  good one:  let's you know  how  things  are  going 
generally, and how you're luck's holding out.   Er,  what else?   Oh, yeah, 
when you've had enough you can QUIT.   Or,  if you want some more,  you can 
RESTART.   There's  some  other  stuff,  but it  varies  depending  on  yer 
circumstances,  narmean?   Anyway, there's a Departmental memo you can read 
as will tell you all about it.

IG: Well, I've certainly enjoyed our discussion and think we can safely say 
that our readers will be better informed once they've read this.  Thank you 
for your time.

Wossname: Is that it?

IG: Yes.

Wossname: Oh, Bye then.

IG: Bye



                         Big Boy's Got It Sussed -
                           BUT HE'S NOT TELLING

Renegade Guardian Len "Big Boy" Jobsworth claims to have cracked the secret 
of the Jannedor crisis writes Justin Dearie.
     The  amazing Big Boy has compiled a secret dossier which should  solve 
all our problems.  But when asked for the secret, Big Boy just smiled.
     "Har har har!" laughed Big Boy.  "If I was to show you my thingie, you 
wouldn't know what to do with it."
     But  Big  Boy  DID  reveal  that his  dossier  can  be  decoded  by  a 
"computer".  And we persuaded him to give us sight of the code version.
     "I  can show you this," said Big Boy,  "because none of  your  readers 
will know what it means.
     "What  they  won't realise - 'coz you're too drunk to tell them  -  is 
that all they've got to do,  if they get wossname,  stuck,  is type HINT at 
the computer, then the bits inside wossnames.  Brackets.
     "The computer'll work it all out and give them the answer.
     "Clever things,  computer," boasted Wossname,  "but even they can have 
enough.   If you get a "+" sign after it's told you the answer,  you  might 
think to yourself: 'Eh?  What?'
     "But  all you do is type the next secret code line and you'll get  the 
rest of the answer.
     "Mind  you,  I'm not letting you in on all this.   I'm keeping  it  to 
myself," said a steadily more intoxicated Big Boy.   "My lips are  sealed," 
he added,  cramming in a huge lump of sandwich before falling senseless  to 
the floor.  So we stole his dossier:


How do I get off the bus?

<RA AK GH AE YE RS PK RM PS RK PM RS GS AT HC AK YK KH YP KE YP AS DS>

Where do I get off the bus?

<RA CC HR KR PC RT PD CD GE CA HY CA GR CH HY KY PC KR YM RM GK HD>

<RA CM HE CD HB KB YD KP HP AY GC RC YB KG PY CY GP AC HK KK PA RE PP RG GT 
QR>

<RA AK GP CD PD KE PQ RK YK RG GG CC HP AD HC KC PR RS PB CB HQ CE GF AD GB 
RB PG RC GC AR HS AB YB KY YS RB YM KK YC RB GH CH>

How do I get past the bull?

<RA CC HY AT YT KB HB CF GG CK GR AG PD CD GK CC PH KR HR AK YK KT YB KH HH 
AT HE KE PQ RP PH CH GR CT GH AY HM KK HY>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK HG AY HG KG PR RA PK CK HP AQ HF AA YA RT PH KP HP 
CC GK CR GT CA HP AH YH KF YC RH GH CP GY AC GB RB PC KR HR AD GE RC FC>

<RA AT HH CP PP RB PH RT YF AF GT CC GA AK YK RA PB RS YK AK GG CH HE RR GF 
DD>

<RA PD RR PF RQ GQ AB HA AE GB CC GE CB PB RT GT AQ HF AM YM RB PT RF GF AM 
HR KR YK AK HH CP GE CP PS MS>

<RA CT PT KM PE KE PE RA YP KH HH YE AE HD AP GH CM GF RF PM KB YG RG GG AF 
HC CK PK RR GR AH GP CC HR AT HD KD YK KS YP RG GT DS>


How do I get past the barbed-wire fence?

<RA CT HS KM PT CT GB RB PA RT PF RH GH AG GY CP GE CH HY CQ PQ RS PB RH PR 
RA HM KM YQ AQ HB CS HT KT YB KM YR RP PH CH HY AM HE KE PS RB YQ RE GC ER>

<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AP GQ AQ HF AS GT RT PB RH YE AE HD CT HS CT GA CF GT 
RT YQ KF YP KY PA RQ YB AB HF CD GP CF PF RP PH CB YK>

<RA CG GY AH YH KG HG AA GY CQ HQ KQ YK KY HY CQ GK AC GP AA HR AT HE KE YK 
KA YK AK HD AP HE AQ YQ KK YM AM GF CG GA CB HD KY SH>

<RA CC PC RH PG KR YC KK YM KE PS KF HF CF HD AP GG CY GC AR HD AP HS KS PM 
RP PE RP GP AA GR CP GR CD GE CM PK SF>

How do I see in the dark?

<RA CF GC AR YR RP PH KK PS CS HM AE HP AE YP AP KM HM CT GC CF HQ AG HP KP 
YM KG YH KC YB KH YP AS BT>

<RA CG GH CQ GF RF YF KG YY AY HQ CB PB RT GT AM GF AD HS AP HK AC YC KD YR 
RS YT RD YF KQ GC RM YD>

<RA YT KH PP CP GA CR HG CP GY CQ GR CT HA KA YK KQ YR AY GH RH YC KA YF RM 
GM CF GC AK HH AM HE KE YG KY YF RF PG RT PF KS HP QP>

<RA CD GR AH GY CG GT RR GR CK PK RH PE KS YT AT HA AF YF RM PY RG GG CR HA 
CP GQ RQ PY KC HC CH GT AQ GE CG PD SY>

<RA YK RP PD CD GR CQ PQ KE YG KY HY AM HQ AR HC KE HE YH RR PQ CD HB KB YC 
RR HM FD>

<RA CD GR AH GY CG GT RT YS KY HY CH GF CQ PQ RH PG RA YA KT YD AY DK>

How do I catch a mouse?

<RA AT HH CP PP RQ PM KD YT AT GS CY PY KC YK RA GA CC PC KR PG RH YH AB 
YH>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KS YY KE YM AM HB AT HA CK PM FM>

<RA CP GQ CF GQ AB HS KS YK RG GG CH PH KK YQ KE YM KK PA CG HK KK YY KP PR 
RM YE RS PK KA YR AR HQ AY HA AY HF AQ YR CC>

<RA AA HC CR GD CT GG CK GC RC PB KQ HQ AM YM RD PR KG PP KH YP AS DR>

How do I open Xam's mailbox?

<RA CT PF RP GP AA GR AG HY KY PQ RK YC AH HM AH YH RC PAY KY YE AE GQ CK 
PK KA YB KC PY CY GS CP GH RB MM>

<RA AP GG AR HK AM HS AB YB RD PK RS PP RK YG AG HE AF GF AF HQ AR YR KD YY 
AY GH CF GQ RQ PP RH PG KP HP AD HM KM PF RH PP CP GF CC GD CT GG AP YS QS>

<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK GH CP GY CT PT KS YR KA HA AS HY CG GQ CE YR AR HE 
CM HT CS PS RF PH RG PT RF PQ CQ GY AH YH KG HG AQ HY CH HY AF HQ KR SR>

<RA AG HH CK GT RT YS KR YA AA GA CD GS AF GM CP GA RA PQ RF YG AT EC>


Why does the mad gardener run away with the sack?

<RA AP HD CT GG CP HA KA YD KR YF KQ HQ AP HH KH YF KQ YM RB PD CD HR AM GE 
RE PD RP PF RG PT RF HC ES>

<RA AG HE CH PH RY PS RP GK AA YA RT PH KP HP CA HR CG HG CR GD AE HM KM YG 
KY HY CR GD AB HA KA YC KE HK HH>

<RA YR KQ YM KK YM KR PA RF PS RB PD CD GT CG HP CC GA CF GS CB YG TE>

<RA CB GS RS YS RE PA RY PP RC PS KK HK AA HT AS YS KD HD CF HQ AR HQ AF GD 
RD PF RQ PB RT YD RE PM CM HP AD GT RT GY MK>

<RA PF RQ PD RA PR RH YY KG YP AP GG CE GM RM YB RS PP RS PB KM PT CG QT>

<RA CE GH CM PM RP YA AA HC KC PH RT PG RP PH KK YY RG PQ CQ GG AY HA CY GQ 
CB GT CG HP KS EQ>

How do I get the oil?

<RA CT HS KS YT KH YP RA PF CT HS KS YF RQ YE AE HF AA GT RT PA RP PH CH HC 
AB GD CK PK RT PD CY FY>

<RA AG HH CY GG AR YR KD PE CE GF CA PA RR YS RS PD RY PH RE PC RH GH CR GM 
CG GB CD GR AC GB RK GE ES>

<RA PR KH PH RP PA RT PB RK PB KC HC CH GF CQ GR RR PD KB HE CD PD RE PA RD 
PB CH SK>

<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK HC KC YR KA YF RS PB AY YY KG PE KE YF KA YK AK GS 
CY HG CR PR RS PY KA YT RP PD RY YC AE QG>

<RA CH HK AC HK CF GQ RQ YE KG YY AY GC CF GY AG GP CM GR CQ PR SE>

How do I repair the canoe?

<RA CC PC RS PK KA PK RB PS CS HF CM GP CR GP RP PF RG PA RB YD AD HB AG YG 
RP PQ RF GF AM GB CC GY CT PG GR>

<RA CE HS KS PS RB YM KY YP RP YA AA HC KC YS KD PF RT PD KF HF AD GT CG GA 
KE YE>

<RA AT HH CP HC KC YG KY YG RP GP CF GE AH YG KT YQ KC YK KG PP CE PE RS YB 
RD GD AB HA AR YR KG PY RD PQ CQ HD AP HS KM PF CA MY>

<RA AA GR AC YC RR PS RB GB CM HE AC HH KH YE KC HC CR GS CB PB KQ YK KG YD 
AD HP CC PC KK PG RY GY CP PP RF PC KK PG RY GD YK>

How do I get past the mound of dirt?

<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT PR RM PR KH YP KS HS CB HB KT SR>

<RA CT PF RP GP AA GR AG HY KY PQ RK YC AC HY AP HS KS PM RR YG KM HM CP GD 
AT GQ RQ YD KS PK CK GQ AF GM RM PR RP GP AG HE AH GR RR PM RK PC CE EG>

<RA AK HD AR GH RH PE KD HD AS YS RM PY RS PC RK GK CM GE AB YB KQ YM KK HK 
AQ HS KS PM RR YG KM PT CG SS>

<RA CR GB AB GD AR YR RC PT RD GD CE GF CA PA RE PT CT HF AC GP CF HS KS YY 
KD PB RG GG AP HQ AF YF KP YD RT PG RP GP CD GM RM PF RG YR RC GE SQ>

How do I reach the chandelier?

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF GT AQ HF KF YA KE PQ CQ HM CE GH AY HG 
KG PK KC YB RD PT RS GS AT HH KH PY RM PP KA HA CK GR AH HS KP DP>

<RA CT HS KM PT CT GG CB PB KS PF RQ GQ CS GB CS GC CB GH CC PC RG PQ KF PS 
RR PA RK GM YK>

<RA AG HE AF GM RM PF RC GC AB HG CY PY RG YE RE PM RT YS CY PY GP RP PR RT 
PH RT PS CS GY CK PK RS PT RD PS KF GC AS>

<RA CH GM CR GM CF PF KM YY KG HG AQ HY AA GY CP HC CB PH CS CR>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GY CQ GR CC PC KB YG RY GY CC GA CF PF KS PM RP PF 
CF GE AS HY CG GT CS PP SR>

What do I do in the bakery?

<RA CR GB AB HK AQ GY RY YQ KK PC KP PA RR PT RE GE AM GT CD GM AE HP AE GH 
RB AH>

<RA CC HP AH YH RE PA KR HR CA HA KA PK RQ GQ AE HG AY YY KB YG KR GM DB>

<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM AK HQ KQ YP KY PA RS GS CK GM RM PQ KB YP KM YK 
KP HE KE YH RR GR AC HT AD GF CQ YK SM>

<RA CC HY AT YT RS PR RA GA CY GP CB GS AE YE KT YH RK GK AA HB AS YS KG YB 
KM HK YH>

What do I do in the bakery kitchen?

<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM CT GH CQ GF AM HY AQ HR AY YY RK PC KP PM CM HD 
AS HC CK GR CG GQ CF PF RM PR KY YD AD GB CA GR AG HY KD KA>

<RA AT HH CP PP RF PE KH HH AF HE CT GD RD YB KG HG CK GS CQ HE KE YF AF HB 
AS GM RM PP RG PY RP YA AF MB>

<RA YP KM YE RT PD CD HB AA HR KR YP KE YA RR YG AT YR>

How do I get back out past the baker?

<RA CY GP CB GS RS YT KC YK AK HH CK GC CA GK RB GB CT HM KM YY KG HG AH GR 
CF GQ CE PE KH YT RD GD AB HG KT AG>

<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK HR AF HQ KQ PE RG PY CY GA AY HG AH HY KY YP RA GA 
CB GS RS PD KE YK KC YR AR GD CP HH KH PY RS GP EG>

<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM CT GH CQ GF RF YS RS PD KF YQ AQ GT CH GT CK PK 
RS PP CP HG AE HM KM YB KT YY KQ YR KY HY CH GE CC PE YS>

<RA CY GP CB GS RS YT KC YK AK HG AE HF CD GC RC YH KE PQ RP GP AG HE AM YM 
KB PM RE PF RM GK SB>


How do I get rid of the postmistress?

<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PF RE YS KB HB AH HT KT PS KM YR AR GY CP HM CT PT RB PM 
RR YA RK GK AA HB AC GY RD GG KT>

<RA AG HY AF HY KF HF AE HD CB HS AD HA AD GR RR YC KT YD RF PQ CQ GM AB HS 
KP YE>

<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT YT RD YB AB HT KT PM RR PH RS GS CK GM RM PP 
KG HT DQ>

<RA AG HE AF GM RS YF AF GS CA GC CS GC RS GS CQ HF CD HF CG PG RH PB RD GD 
AE GQ CY GK CY YS FQ>

<RA AA GR AC YC RR PS RB GB AQ HK AG HD KD YR KQ HQ CE GG CY PY RA PR RT PR 
CR GM AB YB RQ PP RD YQ AQ GE CG GY RT YC>

<RA YA KE PD KB YR KD PE KQ PT RD YE RD GD AB HA AR YR KB YG RY YC KK HM 
KB>

How do I crack the safe?

<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KM YQ KR YC KS YB AB HC CR PR RH PT 
KQ PT RD PE KQ YG RF GA RQ AG>

<RA CC HP AH YH RE PA KR HR AY HG CP HG AF HA AG YG KH YM KH HH CY GM CP HA 
KA YK KQ PD RY HS YC>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GG CQ GK CG GD RD YB KA YT RM GM CR GQ CF PY CY GQ 
CS PS KK YQ RF GT AQ HF KF PT RA YP KH HB HF>

<RA AK HD AT GA RA YP KY PQ CQ GK CM GE RE PG RH YR AR HD AY HK AB GS CB GH 
CR GA RA PC KR HR CC GT CD PD KB YG RG HD KG CE>

<RA PY KG PP CP GY AA HR KR PC RT PD KR HR CG GF CT GC AR PM YM>

How do I put out the pub fire?

<RA CK GQ RQ CY PY RM PQ KS YB AB GD CP PP KA PA RR PT RR GR CD HB KB YG RY 
YH CT AT>

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KM YE AB GM CE PE RH PB CB GF CC HP KP YY AY HC 
AF HY AH YH RR YR KA YD KA GE PE>

<RA CH HK AC HK CF GQ RQ PY KH HB SD>

How do I get into the clockmaker's shop?

<RA AK GH AE YE KK YM KR YH KS YK KM YS AS HY AD YD RB PA RR GR CC GF CC HP 
KS KR>

<RA CB GT AE HM KM YQ AQ HG AB HG AD YD RB PA KY YS RB PE RG GG AP HQ AF YF 
RT PA RF PM RR YY AD TY>

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF CF AS HR AM GE CP GG RG YP KQ PT RH YC 
AC GB CG HY CA PA KG YY KQ YD KK PA CA GC AP HD CT GG CP YD AY>

<RA AK HS AA HT AG HA KA YT RM GM CP GF AF HC CP HG AH HB CD PY CY RP PR KC 
YK RH GH CG GQ CG PQ CA BY>

<RA PB RS CS CK HG KG YH AH HR AT HH AR HF AP HY AT HD CF PA FK>

<RA CQ GR CM GT CY PY RS PP CP HG AE HM KM YF KC YF RD GD AB HA AR HQ KQ PE 
RG YR KM PS CS PH DH>

<RA YP KD YC KK PA RB PC RE PB CB GT AS YS RT PC RK GK CB GT CK HK KM KD>

How do I reach the girder?

<RA CT HS KM PT CT GB RB PM RP YG AG HB AF  YF KE HE AD HA AT HK AH YB RY>

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS RD GD CA GC CR GC CK HH KH PC RF YQ KG YP AP HQ 
AF HY CY YS HR>

How do I climb the ladder?

<RA CF GC AH YM AM HP AR YR KD PB CB HE AM GB CS PS KB PB KQ YY KH YP AP HG 
AB GE CC PS CS GA CC HB AM HE KE YH RY GY AR HM CE GP CG PD QF>

<RA PB RS PC KC HE KE CQ GP CH GB RB PT RF PE RH PB CK PK RT PB KC YP KH HH 
AB HG CP PS EC>

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF GF AS HR AM GE CP GG RG YP KQ YY KD YG 
AG HB AH YH KG HG AE HH AC HT AD GF RF PY RG YC KK YB CG CQ>

<RA CG GY AH YH KT YG AG GP CQ GF RF YS RT PH RT PR CT PT KS YR KA YF AF GG 
CB HS KS YF KE YC AC GP CH GG CK GD RY PM>

What do I do with the weathermen?

<RA CB GG CQ GE RE PA RF GY RY PP KC YK AK GS CY HG KG PK KC PP RH GH CG GR 
CM HE CQ PQ KE YG KF PS AY FH>

<RA CC PC RY PM RQ PR RY PG CG GF CA PA KK YD KT HT CF GQ CM HF AH HP CC PC 
RD PS KK HK CA GC CM GE RE YH KT PD CD GF AG YG RK YC RP YP RC PB KQ YF AA 
DF>

<RA CC PC KY YM KR PG KP HP CA HA AR HT AR YR KM YD AD GF CE GH CB PB RR PD 
RQ PP KG HG AE HM AH GH RB CA>

<RA CB GG CQ GE RE PA RF GF AM HR KR YK AK GP CH GG AP HQ AF GD CC GA CF PF 
RE PC RR GR CH GF CE GC CH GP RP YG KE YM AM GS CB GT AS HR AA GY RD CD>

What do I do with the cloud?

<RA CT GE RE YQ KP YH RK PC CC HH AP GC CK PK RM PP RS PB CK PK CE YS>

<RA YT KH PP CK GA RA YA RY PS RE PF RD PA KT HT AY HD AP GK RK YP KQ YF RD 
PT CT HA AE GM RS PT CT GQ CF PA DM>

<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT YT RD YB AB GQ CK GT CD PD RA PT RE PM CM GP 
CS HT AH YH RY PM RE GE AD HR CC HK AR GC CB GG CT PG GR>

<RA CC GE CH GQ CM HF AQ YQ KY PH CB PM>

<RA CH GT AQ YQ KM HM CB GS AT GD AF HA KA YM KR PA KY YD KT PA CD PD RE PA 
RE PP CP GM AF YF KM YR RY PD CY DA>

How do I get the train ticket?

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KM PS RY GY CK GC AP HK CG PT CT PY 
GY>

<RA CY GG RG PK RR YG KY YK RC PS CS HT AC HF CQ GD CK PB CB HD AK HC CP GH 
RH CG KR AA YA KE YC KS PK CK HA AB GM CE GM RK YD>

<RA AK HD AR GH RH PT RG PY CY HR AD HA AD YD KA YR KK YA AA GT CH HP KP YY 
AY HE AM GB AM GP RP PG RH PB RQ PF CA KF>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KM YR AR HG AY YY KEY YA RY PG CG 
GY CD HB AS GE AQ HM AP HS AK HM AS YP RS>

<RA CY HG CK GE CH GB CE PE RH YR AR HQ AK GA RA PC RS PC RF YT KD YB AB YR 
AR YF PA>

<RA PB RG YA KR PP RH YK AB YB HC KC YR KM PE RS YT AT GS CR GK AA YA RG PF 
RY PF CF HS CT GH AH YH RE PA KR HQ RE>

Why do I keep falling off the train roof?

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS RK PY CY HQ AK GC RC YH KP PC RK GK CS GP AA HT 
AS HB KB PD RK PC CC HR CG GH CE GC KF SD>

<RA CH GG AR HA KS YT KH YY KR YD KY YR AR HD CE PE RF GF AD HR CH GS AK YK 
KH PP KA YT KG YY RC YY AD KA>

<RA CK GQ RQ PY KH HH AM HE AB HT AR HT CA PA CB HE AM HH AM YM KQ YG KM YR 
RH YY AQ YG AG HF CM PS KF HF AB HT CQ PQ KB YT KE YM RB GH RM>

How do I catch the train?

<RA CT GE RE YH KT PD CQ HT AD YD RS YB KC YY KT HR KR PD RP YH AH HQ AM GP 
RP PT KD PE KQ HQ AH HG AD HT KT YA RK GM TH>

<RA AK GH AE YE RS YB KH YB KC YE KB HB AT HE CQ GF AD YD KR PC CE FE>

How do I cross the precipice to the castle?

<RA CT HS KS YA KC PB CB GM CE PE RF GF CB GK CS GM CY HH KH YT KE HE AT HB 
AH HR CD PA CA GY AG GP RP PM KF HF AT HD CB HQ KQ PT RD YE RM PH KY PC CE 
KT>

<RA CC PC RP YC KK YR RC PT CT GH CA PA RD PR RP PH CM PM RQ GQ CH HE CQ GP 
CM GT CB GK RE PC>

<RA PY RG PH KR PC CC PD CD HB AA HC CR PY KC HC AA HD AA YA KT PS CS HT AB 
HP AH GR RQ SR>

<RA AP HY AH HY AF HQ KQ PF KF HY KY YP KS YT AT GA CE HM KS PE RM GM AB HS 
AD HB CC PC KR YM AM HS AY YD EB>

<RA CC GE CH GQ CM HF AQ YQ RE PG RY GY AG HT AA HP AD GF CA PF QD>

How do I get past the goaler?

<RA AK GH CP GY CH PH KC YA RY PQ RG YF AA AH>

<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KT YC KK PH RP GK AG YG RK PQ RH PP KG YE KH YB 
KE HE AF HB AG HB CD YP RS>

How do I get out of the cell?

<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KM YQ RE PD RK GK CR GQ RQ PF KS YF 
KE PE RM GC AC>

<RA YA KD YS KP GB RB PC KR HY CC PC RG PB RG PP CP GR CM HB KB PD RK PQ KF 
YT KC PR CQ YE>

<RA CR HH AR HK CK GC RC PB KQ HQ CY GS AB GM RM PB KS PE RC PB RH PC CC GR 
CA HP AM GB CS PP KS>

<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM AK HQ KQ PE RH PQ RF GF CB GG AR YR KC YK KB YT 
RA GF RF CC HP KP YM RT GT AS HR AA GY CG YB MH>

<RA AR GH CP PP KG YE KM HM AT HB AH HY AF HQ KQ PE RA GA CY HG CR GQ RQ YE 
KG YY AY GA CE HE AM YK BK>

How do I open the dome?

<RA CT HS KM PT CT GK CR GY CQ GB RK GK CH HP CG PG RT PH KY HY AQ HR KR PC 
RT PD CD GC AB GQ AE HH AR HK AB YB RQ PF RA YP HK HB CM>

<RA CT HS KM HY KM HM AQ HG AQ YQ KM YF KM HM CE HE KE YH KA HA CT GH AP YP 
RG PE RH PB RP GP CY GA CE HM CF PF RG YP AS MR>

<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KK YQ RT PK CK GR RR PB RT PF RG PK 
CK HG CH HP AY GA CR PQ BP>

Why do I keep going through the wrong door?

<RA CY GG CK GR AA GP CH PH KE YA RR GR AY HG CR GA CF PT KS HS AC GK CG GD 
AR YR KA YF KC PK RP PQ CR GE>

Why does the witch always catch me when I walk into her chamber?

<RA CY GG CK GR AA GP CH PH KR YS KB HB CE GF AS YS KK YM AM GF CH GP RP YC 
KF YC KD HY PH>

<RA AP HQ AF YF KA YR KA YK RG GG AP HD KD YF KQ HQ AK HG AK GC AC HB AS HT 
KT YD KA PP RH YC KT YD RF PQ CR FT>

<RA AY HG CK GG AY HQ AR HY KY CM GQ CH PH RQ PY RR PS KT HT AC HK AB GB RH 
FH>

How do I kill the witch?

<RA AK HD AT YT KE PM KF PQ KT YD AD HR CH PH KP YS KF YQ RT YS KD YR KQ HR 
YC>

<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF RE PP RE GE AH HT CD HF KF YS KR YK 
RH PQ CR DQ>

<RA AK HD AS GT RF YS AS HD AA HD KD PR RM YE AB GM CE PE RB PG RF PA RG GG 
AP HD KD YQ KF PM CK CK>

I've finished the game but I don't have a full score, why?

<RA AT HH CP PP RF PE KH HH AF HE CT GD RD PC RB YQ RB PS RT GT CB PB KB PS 
KG PS RC PK CK HG AB HR AA GG CE GM AB HS KP MG>


(Phew!!! the end at last....)