Text file for Bureaucracy You have recieved an advert for the " POPULAR PARNOIA " magazine with many fine articles. ARE YOU A PARANOIA PERSON? If you can answer these sixteen questions, you're a Paranoia Person, and Popular Paranoia is for you! If you can't answer these questions, don't you think there are things you ought to know? Every month, Popular Paranoia gives you something new to worry about! ()What chemical is the international health conspiacy using to destroy our valuable body fat? ()How many health fascists are there in the FDA? ()What do Ronald Wilson Reagan,Daniel Miguel Ortega,Dwight Eugene Gooden and Johnny Herman Carson have in common (and a menace because of it)? ()What device is being used to keep track of the whereabouts of the American citizens? ()Where is the centre of communist insurgency in the United States? ()The existence of which one of the fifty states of the union is a fiction invented by the Trilateral Commision for its own nefarious purposes? ()What left-leaning organization foiled the coup d'etat directly after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, leading to decades of crypto-communist government in America? ()What is the breeding ground for most major diseases? ()How do they learn so much about you? ()By what percentage do students who exchange digital watches with multiple partners increase their chances of contracting bubonic plague? ()What local government-subsidized programme poses the greatest threat to home privacy? ()What is Mexico unleashing on the United States for refusing to give them a major league baseball franchise? ()What secret FBI surveillance method is masquerading under the guise of public service? ()Who is their leader? ()What well-meaning legislation was actually a communist-inspired plot to destroy the American family? ()How are the dentists of America conspiring to destroy the minds of our children? REGULAR FEATURES INCLUDE: WHO'S OUT TO GET YOU? You're on the the hit list of everyone from food and drug manufacturers to the President of the United States. Learn to watch out for, and why. ENTERTAINMENT What you do on the weekend could kill you! Did you know that students who exchange digital watches with multiple partners increase their chances of contracting bubonic plague by 300%? find out how to protect yourself. FOOD You won't be surprised to learn that YOGURT is the breeding ground for most major diseases. we'll examine dented cans, unwashed bakery attendants, lima beans, lard, salad bars and a host of other potential hazards. SURVEILLANCE Government agencies use a veritable army of surveillance methods, many of them masquerading under the guise of public services. We'll tell you how TRAFFIC HELICOPTERS follow your daily activities, phone taps monitor your coversations, and cable tv threatens your home privacy. MEDICINE Your child's teeth are only inches away from his brain. But have you ever considered what happens each time the dentist gives him a shot of NOVOCAINE? We'll show you why it's wrong to trust doctors, medicines, hospitals, and anything else that tries to tamper with your body. YOUR HOME Learn the best protection devices, from automatic weapons to attack dogs. We'll also look into flammable upholstery, insect infestations, microwave ovens, dark corners, radon gas, bats in the attic, and rats in the sewage system. PERSONAL PROBLEMS So you suspect your friends don't like you? You think your mother is paying them off to spend time with you? ARE you convinced your fly is open? that you'll be rushed to the emergency ward wearing tattered underwear? that you'll commit a terrible faux pas in front of an important person? Well, it's probably true. AND INFORMATIVE STORIES LIKE THESE EVERY MONTH: HOW DO THEY LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT YOU? When you find your GARBAGE cans overturned and the plastic bags ripped open, you probably think some dog or raccoon has been sniffing out a snack. Well, think again. Your garbage contains personal information ranging from your bank and utilities account numbers to your consumer preferences and private correspondence. We'll teach you how to keep your garbage safe from prying eyes, including a rundown of alarm systems and incineration methods. LETHAL CHEMICALS FROM A TO Z We ingest dozens of chemicals daily in our food, air, water, and personal products. Fluoride mottles our teeth, ASPARTAME destroys body fat, flourocarbons ravage the ozone layer. This handy tear-out guide will keep you on the alert. AMERICAN GOTHIC A terrifying tour of 50 states. Are you aware that OHIO is the center of communist insurgency in the United States? Have you discovered that DELAWARE is a fiction invented by the Trilateral Commission for its own nefarious purposes? You will learn the facts you need to know to combat the powers seeking to overwelm you. THE NUMBERS GAME The number of letters in your name reveals more than you imagine. People with three letters in thier name bring good luck, since luck comes in three's. Those with six letters in their first, last, and middle names, such as Ronald Wilson Regan,Danial Miguel Ortega, Dwight Eugene Gooden, and Jonney Herman Carson, are a menace to all around them, since 666 is the number of the devil. Learn what your name reveals in this upcomming feature. ROOTING OUT QUEEN MUM An exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at their leader the fiendish QUEEN MUM. THE POWERFUL NFL A stunning expose of a powerful leftist organization. Did you know that an NFL game preempted the televised announcement of a coup d' etat directually after the Kennedy assassination? The coup was foiled, and decades of crypto-communists government ensued. INSECT WARFARE Mosquitos injected with encephalitis viris, KILLER BEES unleashed by vengeful Mexicanos, Black Widow eggs hidden in your junk mail. South American insectologist Jose Santa Fe reveals the secrets of insect warfare and tells you how to protect yourself. THEY'RE ON YOUR TRAIL AUTOMATIC TELLER MACHINES are but one method banks use to track and control American citizens. They've made you dependant on them. You can break free! Find out every thing you need to know about home safes,full cash purchases, printing your own checks, and more. GOODBYE, SONNY The GI BILL gave veterans the chance to go away to collage and buy their own homes, without a thought to the parents, left behind. Editor Harold Regan, examines the ultimate cost of this communist-inspired plot. HEALTH FASCISTS How many health fascists are there in the FDA? If you don't know, you should be reading Popular Paranoia. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HAPPITEC "WE'LL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR COMPUTER" Occupant 5 Hippo Vista Rhinocerous, New Jersey 81818 Dear New Employee, Welcome to Happitec Corporation! As you know, the Happitec motto is "We'll bring a smile to your computer." We aim to make people happy, and that includes our employees here at Happitec. You have already learned of the many benefits we offer you! In turn, we expect you to make US happy by being a dedicated, responsible employee. How do you make Happitec happy? No problem! We keep things rolling smoothly simply by following the rules and regulations set down by out founder and president, Leo J. Zereb. And to make sure you learn every one of these rules and regulations, we're sending you to a special training seminar at Happitec International Headquarters in Paris France! That's right, you're going on a tow-week, all expences-paid trip to Paris, courtesy of Happitec. you'll enjoy a six-day training seminar with experienced Happitec staff members. Then you'll thrill to a full week of fun in the City of Lights! And that's not all! You'll also get $75 spending money! Does that put a great big Happpitec smile on your face, new employee? The $75 money order is in the mail to your new home. To obtain your airline ticket, simply take this letter to your travel agency. Then you're on your way to Paris! Be sure to be on time for your flight. We've found that new employees who miss the training seminar usually arn't very happy at Happitec. See you at the office! Happily yours, Ollie Fassbaum Manager The Happitec Corporation THE HAPPITEC CORPORATION, MAJOR OFFICES AROUND THE GLOBE You convinced your fly is open? That you'll be rushed to the emergency ward wearing tattered underwear?